Chaos and Piss

chaos.

the art of complete confusion and disorder.
life for me now is on some other shit.
trying to find happiness is a daily battle.
i guess the only time i feel a smile is when i get on here.
my place to escape when i need to feel better about myself.
once i shut my laptop,
it’s back to the real world.
when will things get better?
you ain’t miss cleo so you won’t know.
are things just as bad for everyone?
i’m irritated.
i don’t want to hang with anyone.
is this what the bottom feels like?
i started to wonder…

When will the good times roll?

“jamari you need a good fuck.
you need to be fucked hard.”

i hate when people say that.
i would love to be ridin’ a hard dick right now.
but after he cums,
i nut,
i hop off…
what’s next?
fuck again?
i haven’t had sex in like 2 years.
that makes me depressed.
i’m not happy about that at all.
i use to know so many wolves.
the last time i had some bone in me,
it was semi-decent.
actually, it was terrible.
little hybrid fox.
could tell he was new to fuckin’ foxes.
he was still in the mode of being man handled.
i let him get inside me because we were both tipsy.
i said, “why not?”.
i ended up kicking myself saying, “why?”.

i’m over the city to even look anymore.

nothing excites me here.
the wolves here are either bums or trying to be something they aren’t.
you get on a chat site and it’s the same ol bullshit.
i have no patience to search for that.
i’m also looking for a job.
you try to look for a job and everyone is applying for the same thing.
the unemployment rate in new york is awful.
everyone is looking for a job.
it’s to the point that you look for a job outside your field,
and everyone is already camped out there waiting.
without a job doesn’t exactly make me happy or sexy either.
lord knows the last time i bought me something nice.

no dick.
no shopping.
cranky jamari.

i find myself imagining myself living in another city.
somewhere that is far away from here.
a place where i can start over.
meeting new people.
nicer people that are actually fuckin’ polite.
even a place where looking for a job would be easier.
i won’t be given the run around like i’m some loser who doesn’t deserve shit.

i’m so depressed ya’ll.

i hope that soon my time will come.
i pray every night that i will find happiness.
someone will recognize me my talents.
i can get some good pipe from quality; not quantity.
i can start to smile again.
a real one.
i wonder when that day will be?
maybe when i bounce and go somewhere else?
when god stops punishing me?

who knows anymore…

11 thoughts on “Chaos and Piss

  1. Jamari, this life ain’t easy. It can be a fucking trip. Also moving can be hard as well. I’ve only been in NYC for a year and I can tell you it’s a wake up call from where I came from. The unemployment situation isn’t helping either. The wolves and most people on the chat sites are trifling. You’ll encounter people who will tell you to have faith and sometimes you’ll wanna say foh. But it WILL sort itself out in time. That is what it takes, time. Nothing lasts forever and weeping may endure for a night but joy cometh in the morning.

  2. Times are still bad for a lotta people. I have my good days and bad days as well…just gotta go wit the flow I guess. But it has to get better once u hit the bottom…nowhere to go but up

  3. This is test, many people are being fortified right now. It’s bad, horrible for many people at the same time, but it’s not permanent and we will all learn our strengths. Keep your head up and keep breathing (and get you some top-notch penile region–two years though?!–pronto).

  4. I really could have wrote this entry this is my life right now. Bro, you are not alone. I left a good paying job 2yrs ago because I was so miserable, and it has been hell to find anything making any money, I have exhausted my savings and have had self doubts about leaving and even mild depression about not being able to find another good paying job. I think its human nature for us to see others doing good and have doubts about our self worth and value. I had to learn not to let what others think define me. I have had so many people say sideways shit to me about not working. I have been fortunate and blessed to have a healthy savings acct, so I still was able to live like I did when I was working, but its getting real funky now. It has been days that I have lost hope on humans, so many people have let me down, but I keep pushing because I know this is only temporary. I have learned to budget and not be the shopaholic I once was, so actually this is a good thing. Now I see, I can take a new position that is stress free with less money and still be able to survive. I miss hanging out with friends drinking and socializing, but I see that these people I was hanging with all the time were really fair weather friends, it was all good when I was buying rounds and picking up the check, but I have not got that same love in return. I have also seen the least likely people be blessings to me, more so than people whose back I had.

    I dont even want to discuss the sex aspect, I have had a few escapades but nothing worth anything. Its like Im not focused on a relationship right now, now finding some good sex would be cool, but with so many new diseases popping up everyday, I am scared as hell of the online thing, so I will take my chances with my hand and my-vidster(lol). I am remaining positive and optimistic because little things have begin to happen in my favor. I ask God to give me something satisfying and something that I would enjoy instead of just a job. I am going to keep on working out, eating right, reading and writing. Dont just think that its hard in NYC, its hard everywhere and Im in a place with supposedly a good healthy economy. I dont know when or how, but I do know that it will come.

  5. Ugh Jamari we all feel the same way we hate the situation were in but really can’t do shit about it. This is one of the main reasons I go to the gym 24/7 to release some built up tension both emotional and sexual. Bench breeding 265 and curling 110 is the best therapist for me. Yea there are times I wish I had a sexy ass hybrid waiting in my bed with some tiger palm and a nice Malibu red cock tail but I know that ain’t about to happen no time soon so like everybody else I wait. Wait for the things that are coming my way. S/N I’m going to get me a flesh light lol

  6. It’s gonna be ok Jamari. We all have been depressed at some point or will be. I know exactly how it feels to be in that position, it’s a cold, dark, and lonely place. You can be lonely with others around you too, many people do not understand that. Shit going wrong is a part of life, but like many family members have told me, the storm shall pass, and that has been proven to be correct.

  7. thanks everyone.
    i didn’t want to bring anyone down today!
    sometimes i need to vent and release what is hurting me.

    i actually cried after i wrote it.
    lol i know.

    1. Cry it all out. Sometimes sad cries turn into happy ones. I’m talking about those tears of joy lol.

      S/N:I see you hit 3 million views today. That’s an accomplishment.

  8. Hang in there man. I am going thru a similar situation as yourself. I have had so many days where I just didnt want to get out of bed because I knew it was gonna be the same shit just a different day. I have to encourage myself regularly just to stay sane. I found that starting my day out with gospel music and counting my blessings has really helped me. We all go thru out trying times but there is no testimony without a test. Hang in there man and keep your head up because brighter days are ahead and you are here for a reason. Crying is natural and cry if you may, but remember you are a blessing to alot of people so we need you to stay strong. Love you Jamari!!

  9. I’ve said it for the longest. NYC is the lamest. People come here thinking they gonna live the life they see on TV. Well sorry to ruin ya dream BooBoo but that shit aint reality. If you move to NYC you better have a plan to get in and out within 2 years. In that two years you should learn enough to take them skill to a new city and get ya life.

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