*someone in the life will relate to this.
true story from my experience.

many moons ago,
when i was in entertainment really heavy,
i invited this dude over to my crib because he wanted to talk about his career in entertainment.
he said he was available after 11pm on a saturday night.
11pm.
saturday night.
“talk”.
every time he saw me,
he flirted with me.
of course,
i assumed he was cumming to fuck the shit outta me.
i wanted him too because he was my type.
when he got over to my crib,
he was heavy on the flirting like it was verbal foreplay.
there was one point he was dancing and put his crotch in my face.
i’m usually not bold with wolves,
but i went decided to try something new.
when he sat on my couch,
he opened up his body language to me.
legs were open; hands were leaned back on the couch.
he had nice lips and i kissed him.
he kissed back and then said:

“...so i’m not gay.“

he wasn’t angry,
but he responded like this has happened many times before.
i felt so naked and vulnerable afterward.
it was a feeling i couldn’t explain.
un-wanted,
maybe?
ugly?
feeling like someone had my secret in their back pocket?
i felt open and not in a good way.
we never spoke again.

i was on youtube today and came across a scene from one of my favorite movies.
“american beauty“.
i watched it when i was really young and it made me feel uncomfortable.
when i watched this scene as an adult,
i totally understood it…

Continue reading “do we confuse male attention with our vulnerability and a need to be loved? (american beauty)” →

everyone needs a break from time to time.
this is why the word “vacation” makes people feel all tingly inside.
in this panorama world,
for some,
traveling for vacation is out of the question.
no cap,
i’ve been thinking of doing a staycation in the city but money has been a little tight.
i’ve been feeling beat.
the news and social media has been a little too much tbh.

I needed a break or I was gonna have a breakdown

so i did it…

Continue reading “i am the (un) plug” →

i was telling my therapist how i’ve been in my emotional bag today.
i’ve been off af.
things are weird.
the energy is weird.
as he put it,
i am probably in an “emotional plague” and to go with it.
after therapy,
i felt a little better and decided to check my ig dms.
foxhole…

Continue reading “when a youtube legend reaches out to you!!!!” →

i felt tired around 10 am and was mad hyped about it.
the melatonin i took helped as well.
i wanted to have a good night’s sleep where i actually slept through the night.
here i am,
on the foxhole,
because i woke up out of my sleep at 3 am….
Continue reading “430 am with thoughts on my mind” →

around this time last year,
i had all these big hopes and dreams for 2020.
i was expecting the male and the money.
in my head,
there were a lot more outings and good times with the community i was in.
around this time last year,
i was supposed to go to a big party that one of my home wolves was throwing in the city.

2020 was supposed to be “my year”

it was supposed to be all of our years tbh.
who woulda thunk…

Continue reading “around this time last year, we were excited about 2020 (welp…)” →

i was talking to one of my home vixens today.
we were discussing 2020 and things we have learned this year.
it’s no secret that this year has literally taken most of us through the wringer.
many of us made it out stronger,
others are still in the process,
and the rest are still chasing outside validation.
i learned many things this year,
but one thing i’ve had a lot of training in…

Continue reading “i am responsible for your trauma and insecurities because of everything i do to you.” →