accountability and holding myself accountable.
my therapist told me i should try something new.
at the end of every week,
whether saturday or sunday,
write an entry about:
Good things that happened (no matter how small)
Things I struggled with
get everything i need to get out as far as feelings and emotions.
at the end of every entry,
add the next steps for the upcoming week.
in doing this,
it helps others understand they aren’t alone and can help them take accountability too.
i don’t expect many to respond,
but i’m willing to try this for myself and my development…
i’ll never forget i was standing in the concession line at barclays for a basketball game,
this had to be about 3 or 4 years ago,
and this fine-ass wolf walked past with his kids and equally fine wife.
you know i was like who dat daddy isssssss?
when i looked closer,
i saw it was devale ellis.
i remember devale from various web series and i always thought he was fine af.
he has since upgraded to bet’s “sistas” by tyler perry and moved to la.
i saw these photos taken by joshua dwain and…
there was a vixen and wolf (before they turned) i was really cool with.
this was during my brief stint as a high school student before i dropped out.
if you came to school late,
you couldn’t get into the building so we met playing hooky.
we had a good time that day.
a week later,
they started fucking.
i’d be on the bed,
playing video games,
and he would be clappin’ her cheeks hard.
they’d let me touch them as they were getting it on.
she had a nice bawdy and he had a big beautiful dick and fat ass.
i was in the room when they tried anal for the first time.
they wanted me to watch.
You know I like watching people fuck.
it was good up until…
my reality is different from some of my family members it seems.
i’m starting to realize that.
even though i love my grandmother,
it is no secret that she was abusive to us.
i think many caribbean people faced a shit ton of abuse.
the last conversation i had with my father made me realize something…
i wanted to give my father all the smoke yesterday.
i wasn’t done with him.
he got an earful when we violated,
but i chose chaos when i woke up the next day.
no one gets to hurt my feelings and thinks thats okay.
i wanted to bring all the smoke to his yard.
i got fully caffeinated with an ice coffee with a shot of espresso.
it would be the battery for his destruction.
my spirit told me to call connie from the messages first tho…
we all weren’t blessed in life to pick our parents.
i would have picked a father who isn’t a liar and coward.
caribbean fathers have a tendency to be the worst.
my father and i have had a very distant relationship over the years,
even when i was a kid in barbados.
it was all due to the issues between my grandmother and him.
he was only used to buy me school uniforms and haircuts.
i’ll never forget going out with him as a kid and one of his friends saying how “soft” i looked.
deep down inside,
my father knew that i would be gay but didn’t want to admit it at the time.
when we had an honest conversation a few years ago,
i revealed my sexuality to him and he claimed he already knew.
he let me know that i was his son and that he would accept me.
things took a different turn during a phone call we had…