here is what she said.
there is what young jamari heard.

yesterday at work,
one of the younger vixens said something to me that threw me off.
something went down; she felt uncomfortable with another male there.
she admitted she felt more comfortable with me because:

“you’re a girl’s girl.”
“you’re one of the girls.”
“you’re girly pop”
“you’re the universal hand sign for gay”

cue spongebob:

it hit a old wound of trauma that a sat in young jamari...

one thing about me is even if i’m going through it emotionally,
or embarrassed HD live,
i still pull it together and show TF up.
some people already underestimate me as is.
even if i’m crying BTS or venting about certain things on the Foxhole,
i learned in life to do that privately.

people are watching how your every move,
especially when you’re supposed to be bossed up.

the first sign of weakness and they’ll plot to cut your throat.
this also goes for people pleasing,
going above and beyond at a job,
and being “nice” as well.
last night,
i loved episode 2 of “house of the dragon” but rhaenyraaaaa….

one thing i miss is peace.
maybe i took it for granted?
when i was living in new yawk,
i thought i had too much of it.
ever since i relocated to this new forest…

i am a gay black fox who grew up in a mostly female dominated household.

granted,
there were sprinkles of males around,
but it was mostly female.
i can font that looking back at how i grew up…

i was trying to sleep and all i heard was barking.
it was 4 am.
chaos agent decided to foster another dog.
it woke me up out of my sleep and i was so tight.
i had to up at 730 am for work.
all the other dogs were quiet in the early morning hours.
the last puppy temperament was so chill.
he was 3 years old.
this new puppy is only 3 months old.

teething and restless.
heavy.

not only that,
i only knew this dog was coming the day before.
i just know i was sleeping but i was so annoyed.
in a rage,
i was gonna text all of my friends…

i loved “the butterfly effect” because it shows the dangers of changing the past.

cousin hybrid asked me today that if i could go back to a particular year,
one where all the shit in my life popped off,
would i change anything with the knowledge i have now.
ironic because earlier today,
i asked fancy if she ever misses anyone from her past.
i’ve been fantasizing heavy about someone from mine.
as fun as it would be to try and change the past…