after a long dry spell,
and a few people who came in too fast and disappeared just as quickly,
i’m re-learning how to open up again while being emotionally sore.

on super bowl sunday,
i was invited to a party at this new place i’m in.
i’ve been here about a month now and i’ve started mingling.
well tbh,
people started mingling with me.
one thing about me is:

people want access to me and get comfortable fast.

i don’t know if it’s my energy,
my softness,
or the way i make people feel safe but it happens.

so i met a straight couple downstairs last week,
and after about an hour of talking,
they told me to come through to this party they were having.
honestly?
it was so much fun.
being around new people reminded me of who i am,
how easily i connect,
and how much i enjoy meeting new wolves…
uh,
people.
meeting new people.

after the high has come down,
i find myself paused on all of it at 411am…

“where else are you gonna find an apartment in new yawk for 1700?
tell me that?
you can’t.”

that was one of the last things the landlord said to me.
i’ve noticed jackals and hyenas think they are cursing you,
but it actually turns into God actually blessing you.

isn’t that a verse in the Bible?

i’ve grown up in the new yawk forest for a long time.
there have been numerous friends,
and numerous Foxholers,
over the years that told me it was time to leave and find a new place.
comfort had me stuck but once i was forced to move,
and displaced in an entirely new forest,
i see what they were talking and fonting about.

i made the decision that i’m gonna leave the new yawk forest.
i’m still close but i’m not in the thick of it anymore.

in the complex that a friend opened their doors to me,
i went to look into seeing if i can relocate here today.
i really like it here and it fits the place i can call home.
the interesting part about how much i would need to get in here tho…

…emotionally tho,
it’s been a big yikes.
as much fun as sexy wolves are:

my mentals have been all over the place.

if “faking it til you make it” was a competition,
i’d win a platinum medal.
that has been faking a smile when i’d rather say fuck everyone.
i’ve literally been the entire “after laughter” album from paramore.

when you are staying at someone else’s crib tho,
you gotta fake it as much as possibly you can.
you don’t want to give them the impression you are ungrateful.
i have been enjoying making sure dishes are washed,
trash is taken out,
products i use gets replaced,
and everything is order before they get home.
that is one of the many things i learned from Mum and even Star Fox…

i don’t know what i was doing when he caught my attention.
i think i was being shown around when i saw him downstairs.
it was his facial first but then it was his sleeve once i started seeing him more often.

it was the biceps that the sleeves are attached that sealed the deal for me.

he is fine AF and drives a really nice car too.
lately,
i seem to run into him on accident.
tbh,
he isn’t even the finest one i’ve peeped here.
there is another one who i’ve caught his attention as well.

tall
dark
handsome
lean bawdy

i saw him one day in workout pants and nearly lost it.
yesterday,
i saw that he can’t even contain his ass in his jeans and he wasn’t even sagging.
you know the type of backside i’m fontin’ about.
he ain’t the finest one either.
then there was the one with the white vixen getting out a mercedes coupe…
listen,
i been put in the best position right now.

the new meat on the block.

that means i get to be anyone i want other than who i use to be.
i made a decision to myself last night that as horny as i am…

this whole culture of:

“we hooked up and now i blocked you on grindr/jack’d/sniffies/whatever else”…

…Foxhole,
i keep fonting that this current hook up culture is for the morons.
i see why so many of us are single and the straights of gen z are sexless.
we claim we want to be in relationships but we meet potentials but fuck first; ask questions later.
so because we didn’t communicate what we actually wanted,
we default to the block on where we met em.
not even because it was scary or weird either.
just someone who found us attractive and wanted to know more after.
yup!
that’ll teach em!

like,
really think about it:

we are blocking people after one hook up,
even if the connection went really well.
are we stupid?

i saw a post on reddit and felt empathy over the situation.
it went like this…

i hate when people who don’t want kids are continuously asked why they don’t want kids,
like certain childless celebs or people who get continuously asked by their parents or relatives.

BECAUSE THEY MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE THEM OR DON’T WANT THEM.

not everyone’s desire is to be a parent.
better yet,
some people can’t have kids because their bawdies won’t allow them to.
that can be very insulting and nasty especially from parents.

“when you gonna get me some grand babies?”,
like,
you weren’t even a good parent to me so why would i leave my child with you,
ya insufferable bitch.

Foxhole,
don’t go sayin’ that to your mother cause she may slap you.
i was thinking to myself yesterday:

“at no point in my life have i ever wanted to be a dad.”

i have never felt the urgency for fatherhood.
i see cute kids all the time,
and many of my friends have adorable kids but…