i need a new job so bad that it kept me up all last night.
of course on a night i only slept 6 hours,
today had to pop off with the most issues and attitudes.
for one,
this job is a bridge that can’t sustain me long term.
with the way you gotta make 3xs the income to get your own spot:

it came at a good time when i needed it,
but the more i work at the job,
the more i realize this bridge is getting narrower.
working in a small suburban office is cool until…

you know what my biggest issue is with DL or curious wolves?
since everything is on their time,
you’re always catering to them to make “the move”.

that could happen tomorrow.
that could happen six months from now.
that could happen never.

all that back and forth is trash and honestly…

i been thinking that if everything that has happened these last 3 years,
even if i thought it was so negative,
was actually part of God’s plan?

this time last year of june 2025,
in about a month,
i was gonna come where i am now for a BBQ.
i didn’t want to come but something urged me to go.
when i left here that night to go back to new yawk,
i have on video telling my friend i was gonna live here.

“i don’t know how,
but i’m going to live here.”

and even though this transition wasn’t ‘a walk in the park…

one of the last things my mother told me on her deathbed was:

“make sure you and your sister don’t get separated.
i want you both together.”

…and i tried.
if it wasn’t jackals circling her money,
it was relatives coddling her because she was “light skin”.

Foxhole,
it was a challenge.

i often wonder what our lives would have been like if we moved to florida?
we were supposed to go live with our uncle,
but tbh,
his life crashed and burned a few years later.
as my sister got older,
her mental health got worse and worse.
unfortunately,
we don’t have the kind of relationship my mother wanted for us.
she hits me up ever so often with “i’m gonna do better” DMS.
i don’t answer because she isn’t gonna do better.

i’ve been seeing a lot of discourse online about rue,
who is played by zendaya on “euphoria“.

people saying lexi was mean.
people saying her mother should have tried harder.
people saying they wanted a happier ending for rue.

mmm.

until you’ve loved someone struggling with addiction,
or severe mental health issues…

would never have went to that bitch’s wedding.

…not after she played in my face after fucking my ex.
damn sure wouldn’t be helping improve her life either.

although she is vibe,
on season 3; episode 7 of “rain or shine” on “euphoria”,
maddy’s recent downfall was being too kind.

i felt that in my entire spirit.
by answering cassie’s DM to reconnect,
and going back to something that God removed her from,
maddy ended up losing A LOT.
i was expecting a whole revenge plot from maddy this season tbh.
she fell for the okey doke and cassie reminded her that she was still beneath her.

sometimes,
we need to tell that spirit of forgiveness and re-connection to…

i always tell people that when a loved one dies,
your spirit will always remind you.
there are some years you may forget but on birthdays,
or death anniversaries,
you’ll suddenly remember out of nowhere.

“ooooh,
this is why i’ve been feeling so moody.
it’s “such and such” death anniversary…”

some years,
you’ll keep it moving because you are in a good headspace.
when you are going through a lot,
the sadness feels heavier even though it’s years or decades.

love never dies even if their physical isn’t there anymore.

as you know,
i’m dealing with a lot in this new chapter.
i’m grateful for everyone who reaches out to uplift and check in.
every year,
like clockwork around memorial day…