i come home last friday,
after a long day of work,
and i’m asked to sit down because we need to talk.
first thing i say to myself:

“what fuckin’ now?”

i’m told…

can i be petty for an entry.
Foxhole,
i deserve this.

soooooooooo…
i thought this straight wolf jackal was my friend when i was a teenager.
i wasn’t attracted to him even though he was really good looking.
he was part of the popular kids and my low self worth tail was looking for acceptance.
come to find out,
he wasn’t a friend and when it came to to defend me,
he didn’t stop at nothing to throw me under the bus.
as forgiving and sometimes the stupid cancer fox that i can be,
i saw him randomly on a rih’s social media and hit him up to font wassup.

left me on read.

it put my tail between my legs and STILL didn’t learn my lesson with others but i digress.
that was in like 2009 or so.
i would see him in pics with many of the wolves jackals in his pack that did me wrong.
it stung but i kept it moving,
working,
and living my best life.

well.

i was talking to someone we mutually knew from around that time in my life yesterday.
they were one of the many who warned me:

“jamari,
these jackals are NOT your friends.”

THEY SAID…

i’ve realized as long as i’m in this living situation,
i’ll never get anything done.

when i font that i’m at 10% battery levels of burnt out rn?

my internal battery is on low power mode.
it’s been so bad,
the front of my hair broke off due to all the stress i’m dealing with.
it is always something in chaos agent’s lair.
i tried to plan a day of relaxation for 4th of july,
but of course,
some shit went down to disrupt my plans.

the reality is…

here is what she said.
there is what young jamari heard.

yesterday at work,
one of the younger vixens said something to me that threw me off.
something went down; she felt uncomfortable with another male there.
she admitted she felt more comfortable with me because:

“you’re a girl’s girl.”
“you’re one of the girls.”
“you’re girly pop”
“you’re the universal hand sign for gay”

cue spongebob:

it hit a old wound of trauma that a sat in young jamari...

one thing about me is even if i’m going through it emotionally,
or embarrassed HD live,
i still pull it together and show TF up.
some people already underestimate me as is.
even if i’m crying BTS or venting about certain things on the Foxhole,
i learned in life to do that privately.

people are watching how your every move,
especially when you’re supposed to be bossed up.

the first sign of weakness and they’ll plot to cut your throat.
this also goes for people pleasing,
going above and beyond at a job,
and being “nice” as well.
last night,
i loved episode 2 of “house of the dragon” but rhaenyraaaaa….

one thing i miss is peace.
maybe i took it for granted?
when i was living in new yawk,
i thought i had too much of it.
ever since i relocated to this new forest…