i learned something today.
at my last job,
i thought i had found life long friends there.
this was the first job i felt connected to so many folks.
creative black folks.
after i was let go,
many promised to still be there but as the months went on,
i noticed that started to change.
folks that once would hit me up every day suddenly stopped.
it made me question what happened?
did i do something wrong?
a co-worker/friend hit me up to check in on me.
i disabled my personal social media and i noticed that no one,
besides my current circle,
checked in on me until now.
i asked her if i did something wrong to incite such distance.
my anxiety is back in full force again.
i’m not sleeping through the whole night.
i’m waking up to throw up at like 4 or 5 am.
during another night of stomach issues,
i woke up with something on my mind.
it’s been on my mind for a while now.
after my hiv scare years ago,
i haven’t felt as comfortable to have random sex.
scrolling through dating and sex apps don’t excite me as they once did.
i don’t have many male gay friends to go out with.
i thought i met a poi i was 100% attracted to,
but he might be entertaining a vixen these days.
i had to wonder...
have you ever felt this emotion?
its an acronym for:
FEAR OF MISSING OUT
in many of our lives,
we have felt we were missing out heavy on life,
or even someone you really wanted.
it has the ability to make you feel like a loser amongst your peers.
it’s when we are at our loneliest.
Everyone looks shiny and new
Everyone is doing exciting shit
Everyone is looks shiny, new, and doing exciting shit without ME
is that really the case thoooooo?…
i woke up this morning pretty low energy.
i was having anxiety attacks and throwing up.
i was starting to get really bothered by instagram disabling my account.
it wasn’t fair!
i decided to rey and turn my mood around.
i took a shower and ate a good breakfast so i could be present for podcasting.
i brought my favorite pyrite crystal with me to my table.
in the middle of podcasting,
i got this email from ig…
if it ain’t one thing…?
one of my favorite things to do is (was?) update my ig stories.
i loved speaking to the foxhole in dms and having intimate conversations.
i woke up today,
posted my usual,
but when i went back to post an IG story…
the emotionals have been on 1000.
there is pressure in my chest.
i’ve been crying off and on.
every time i sit still,
i start dwelling on things and people i know/like/maybe love(?).
i’ve had no energy to write anything tbh.
the thought of sleeping all day has been the move.
i slept off and on during election day.
wtf is happening to me?