my reality is different from some of my family members it seems.
i’m starting to realize that.
even though i love my grandmother,
it is no secret that she was abusive to us.
i think many caribbean people faced a shit ton of abuse.
the last conversation i had with my father made me realize something…
most of us have triggers.
if you don’t or have worked through yours,
the rest of us either keep it under control or react nastily when confronted by them.
you ever met someone that you really enjoyed?
their personality was so infectious that it instantly drew you in.
it’s like they glowed when they walked into the room for the first time.
you just KNEW they were gonna be in your life,
and for a short time,
they actually were.
outta nowhere tho…
*someone in the life will relate to this.
true story from my experience.
many moons ago,
when i was in entertainment really heavy,
i invited this dude over to my crib because he wanted to talk about his career in entertainment.
he said he was available after 11pm on a saturday night.
every time he saw me,
he flirted with me.
i assumed he was cumming to fuck the shit outta me.
i wanted him too because he was my type.
when he got over to my crib,
he was heavy on the flirting like it was verbal foreplay.
there was one point he was dancing and put his crotch in my face.
i’m usually not bold with wolves,
but i went decided to try something new.
when he sat on my couch,
he opened up his body language to me.
legs were open; hands were leaned back on the couch.
he had nice lips and i kissed him.
he kissed back and then said:
“...so i’m not gay.“
he wasn’t angry,
but he responded like this has happened many times before.
i felt so naked and vulnerable afterward.
it was a feeling i couldn’t explain.
feeling like someone had my secret in their back pocket?
i felt open and not in a good way.
we never spoke again.
i was on youtube today and came across a scene from one of my favorite movies.
i watched it when i was really young and it made me feel uncomfortable.
when i watched this scene as an adult,
i totally understood it…
the emotionals have been on 1000.
there is pressure in my chest.
i’ve been crying off and on.
every time i sit still,
i start dwelling on things and people i know/like/maybe love(?).
i’ve had no energy to write anything tbh.
the thought of sleeping all day has been the move.
i slept off and on during election day.
wtf is happening to me?
we have defining moments in our lives that can change the dynamic in a snap.
i’ve been there.
i didn’t realize the impact of losing my parentals and best friend would have on me.
one of my best friends is experiencing a defining moment now…