i been thinking that if everything that has happened these last 3 years,
even if i thought it was so negative,
was actually part of God’s plan?

this time last year of june 2025,
in about a month,
i was gonna come where i am now for a BBQ.
i didn’t want to come but something urged me to go.
when i left here that night to go back to new yawk,
i have on video telling my friend i was gonna live here.

“i don’t know how,
but i’m going to live here.”

and even though this transition wasn’t ‘a walk in the park…

i always tell people that when a loved one dies,
your spirit will always remind you.
there are some years you may forget but on birthdays,
or death anniversaries,
you’ll suddenly remember out of nowhere.

“ooooh,
this is why i’ve been feeling so moody.
it’s “such and such” death anniversary…”

some years,
you’ll keep it moving because you are in a good headspace.
when you are going through a lot,
the sadness feels heavier even though it’s years or decades.

love never dies even if their physical isn’t there anymore.

as you know,
i’m dealing with a lot in this new chapter.
i’m grateful for everyone who reaches out to uplift and check in.
every year,
like clockwork around memorial day…

i saw ^that online that felt like my brain on paper.
i’d like to add on:

The Foxhole.
being social.
rihanna’s social media presence.
the person i stay with.
the person i stay with.
THE PERSON I STAY WITH.
my own space.
my own space.
MY OWN SPACE.

…and i’m sure there are more in the reserves.
everything in my head is talking at once,
and it made me realize something…

“where else are you gonna find an apartment in new yawk for 1700?
tell me that?
you can’t.”

that was one of the last things the landlord said to me.
i’ve noticed jackals and hyenas think they are cursing you,
but it actually turns into God actually blessing you.

isn’t that a verse in the Bible?

i’ve grown up in the new yawk forest for a long time.
there have been numerous friends,
and numerous Foxholers,
over the years that told me it was time to leave and find a new place.
comfort had me stuck but once i was forced to move,
and displaced in an entirely new forest,
i see what they were talking and fonting about.

i made the decision that i’m gonna leave the new yawk forest.
i’m still close but i’m not in the thick of it anymore.

in the complex that a friend opened their doors to me,
i went to look into seeing if i can relocate here today.
i really like it here and it fits the place i can call home.
the interesting part about how much i would need to get in here tho…

“you have had a hard life.”

my uncle said that to me during a recent catch-up.
for once,
i felt seen by a grown adult in my family.
some of my other family members ignores their trauma with religion.
i think it’s easier for him because he watched from the outside.
my mother and him were the rebellious ones; they bounced.
they didn’t stay to deal with what we dealt with.
something clicked after he said it because my whole life,
i’ve been yearning for an easier and softer life.
i think i’ve been lucky,
but luck always came wrapped in bullshit.
on top of that:

i had my own hurt slowing me down.

right now,
i’m being forced to process something from when i was 7 or 8.
a moment that unlocked everything…

whenever you are at a transition in your life,
you end up at a bridge.
on the other side of the bridge is uncertainty.
we don’t know what will happen,
but we do know where we are isn’t working.
i believe when life gets uncomfortable,
you are pushed towards the bridge against your will.
so we end up with a few choices:

a – we slowly walk across the bridge to get to the other side
b – we turn back around and go back to what we are use to
c – we stay stagnant at the start of the bridge without crossing

but what happens when you are uncomfortably pushed towards a bridge…