Havent spoken to you in a while, well just wanted to give you an update on where I am now, and you know theres always something I need help with and feel you are someone I can talk to, a while back I ttold you about my boyfriend who told me that I play the victim and that I am HIV positive, well I’m still with him and theres has been a lot going on since then, so after my boyfriend cheated on me and I still took him back, at some point I guess I went out and did the same because he was still chilling with the guy he cheated on me with and I would sit home hoping that the relationship could get better, but I fund myself back on the “sites” and started talking to this guy, he would come over was a someone I could talk to and I told him my situation but all he wanted from me was sex and I didn’t want that, he wanted a relationship to but I thought it was to quick and that he wanted sex all he time turned me off..
Any who, my Boyfriend was jealous about it and he is a very attractive guy, he could get anyone he wants and alongside me I get jealous because I feel I’m a cute guy, I have a lot going on for myself but I guess I’m very insecure like I could not get the guy of my dreams if it saved my life, feeling as though I’m settling for with my boyfriend because of my virus and no one would ever want me, I remember you told me to be by myself that will make me happy, your right but, it still is hard to really be alone and I jus wont have that one person I can call my own, I love my (ex) Boyfriend but when I want the best for him he never listens to me, i’m 21 and he is 27, he top and i’m bottom, and I guess he loves his pride so much and no one can tell him anything.
furthermore, after I meet the other guy, he went out and had sex with 7 different people, including, one guy who was my first who is now a bottom which I never knew about, and some other guys in the scene I really don’t talk to, too much, I got over that also because I was talking to this other guy, but now I feel with the guy it was what it was at the moment, me and my ex are kind of back together its very complicated, we smoke everyday, drink everyday and it gets scary sometimes but I never been so attatch to a guy and I love him a lot but we are in a toxic place right now, I worry about him, my health, and my life on where it will go, with that all being said, he has a Ex in DC who they both had a relationship for 6 years and now he feels where he is located now is not the right place for him to live at, his Ex has been telling him for months he could come back to live with him, but he tells me its a friendship and nothing more, I was kind of left in the cold because I gave my all and only for him to leave me, he recently just told me yester that he was going to dinner with family but meet up with the person he cheated on me with and they went to friendly’s to so called have some closure, but he tells me that the guy would tell him they only reason why they are not to together because he is still in love with me, my boyfriend tells me he has things mentally that he can offer, oppose to me, he loves me dearly, but loves the sex and loves the fact I can let him be himself and not feel like life is taking him down, because he recently lost his job in march but works somewhere less from what he is use to making. he goes though my phone whether its on sites or text message that people send me and criticizes me, but when I want to go in his phone he doesnt allow for me to and I don’t think I ever went through his phone, now i’m left feeling like how will I pick up the pieces, who will love me like he does, I don’t want to go back to being depressed, I’m content right now, but could be better, just want someone I share myself with and I keep finding guys who often leave me after a couple of months, I don’t know if they use me for sex, money or what the case may be, I’m in College, I have my own place, I work and I can say that i’m stable but I’ve been through much in my life but it hasn’t taken over me and I just want the best for myself.
recently I have found myself back on BGC, Adam4Adam and Jack’d but none of these guys actually want a relationship, friendship or even find me attractive, although I have been told im a cute guy, but all they want is sex and my questions are to you jamari is, do I just let the right person find me, where should I stand with my boyfriend who has done much for me but can be the biggest jerk at times and I man what would you do in this situation? I hope you can help me, I’m alittle lost right now and need to know what steps right now should I take for it becomes continuous.
i remember you from this entry.
honestly, this is where i threw my hands up in the f0xmail:
i can give you advice.
make 10,000 entries for you.
even make you a slide show.
but it won’t work.
i’m going to tell you how i do things.
maybe it will help you.
when someone does me wrong the first time,
i don’t give them a second.
i use to do that and i constantly was left feeling hurt.
i completely wipe my hands from the person because i don’t deserve my feelings to be hurt.
i’m not that fox to play “we gonna see how this works because i want it to work…“.
that is called “wasting time on someone who doesn’t deserve me“.
this may sound conceited or whatever,
but i deserve the best treatment.
nothing more; nothing less.
i am talented,
and gone through too much shit to have to deal with some asshole to lower my worth.
i’m going to give you tough love because you need it.
you don’t need him.
if you have to be alone for 10 years,
then guess what?
you’d probably be 10 times richer and happier than 10 months with some douche bag.
your next email to me should be:
“i dumped the bastard and working on myself to be the best fox i can be.”
so i need you to do this.
you need to tell him that right now you just need to be friends.
he will try to beg or he may not.
either way, make up your mind this is the last time you will speak to him.
after, erase everything that will allow you to contact him.
that will program your mind to know he is gone.
you will erase all the sites you use to meet wolves.
you are too dependent on trying to meet someone that you meet the wrong ones.
have you ever been alone?
you will exhale.
you will find a counselor or a therapist.
doesn’t have to be expensive and they are many that are free.
you will start to work on your issues.
that will allow you to be a fuckin’ superhuman,
find a career that will help you make money,
you won’t be about that bullshit anymore,
and meet the wolf that you need to meet.
welcome to the life of a fox with his mind together.
all that drama gave me a headache.
this song has helped me say “fuck it“…
oh! don’t forget
- f0xmail: I Am HIV Positive and My Boyfriends Think I’m Playing The Victim! Help! (insidejamarifox.com)