Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed

418123_10150596756243160_594518159_9222484_265693235_npeople think i’m stuck up.
they say i look intimidating.
i can see that.
i went to bed last night with the last entry in my mind.
the comments got to me a little.
i didn’t feel offended,
but i had to look at myself and had to ask,

“is it me?”

i have been told i am really attractive.
you’ll have to take my word for it.
i never saw “it”.
i look in the mirror and see this guy filled with flaws.
i critique myself very harshly.
growing up,
i use to be painfully insecure.
mix that with being extremely shy.

when i got into this lifestyle,
wolves would fawn over me.
not the ones i was actually interested in.
super whores.
bad energy.
i would smile and flirt.
use them.
learn to be a tease.
it was fun.
i had fun.
the ones i wanted were always a challenge.
3 different wolves i remember correctly.
crushed on them heavy.
they gave me the “signs” and all that d/l jazz.
people said to ask them!
give it the ol team spirit.
so i asked them.
rejected by all three.
they said.
see wolves want to sniff and pant around me all day.
they like the scent i give off.
the stares and the deep smiles.
as soon as i become aggressive and go after them,
they cave under the attention.
i said fuck it.
when people tell me to do something,
i often want to ask them what the fuck do they want me to do?
i do it and did it.
it didn’t work.
again: wtf do you want me to do?

my “intimidating” attitude comes from these experiences.
i have been through a lot in my young life.
do you know what it’s like to have no parents?
no one to depend on in a tough city like new york.
i don’t think people “get that”.
going from middle class kid to the culture shock of the ghetto.
getting emotionally and mentally abused by “family”.
even getting attacked by one.
people sitting around and letting it happen.
they always hated that my parents were successful.
i guess i was caught in the cross fire of their bullshit.
as soon as i bounced out that situation,
i cut all ties with those hood booger “aint worth shit” miscreant bitches.
i don’t go back to my abuser.

i’ve had star fox (couple people actually) say to me:

“jamari, if only you knew how good you are.
i don’t get it.
you have this light that you just don’t see.
i can tell you it a million times and you still don’t see it.”

i don’t.
dunno why.
i guess over the years i made myself this way.
life has made me hard.
people i trusted have disappointed me.
don’t get me wrong,
i’m one of the nicest people you could ever meet.
i have genuine intentions,
but i’ve learned to mask that around strangers.
maybe this is why i can’t meet a wolf?
i don’t really trust people,
even though i try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
i don’t trust men even tho i love them so much.
i closed myself off from the experience of love,
looking for the superficial,
but lately ive wanted it more than ever.
so maybe it is me.
i’m the issue.
i’m not perfect.
i’m damaged.
iyanla fix my life?

lowkey: you want to know me?

i literally cried writing this entry.
 it helped.
it felt to release.
sorry for bringing anyone down this morning.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “Everything’s Different, Nothing’s Changed”

  1. Damn. This was deep as shit. I felt that pain You don’t know what other people been through. Thank you for sharing and I hope you find your peace

  2. Your honesty is beautiful and inspiring….it’s good to release your thoughts…this is why write poetry and songs…it’s a great way to express yourself, be blessed and you ARE special because GOD doesn’t make anything that isn’t…have a great day and thanks for sharing

  3. It’s good that you shared this. Glad to see you getting it all out. I know you feel so much better.

    You know you are attractive deep down, you not having someone special in your life is making you second guess, and there is nothing wrong with that. When you get him, your mindset will change. He will make you feel like you are the most beautiful man in the world, inside and out.

    I stay going through boy problems too lol Y’all already know. I go through the same shit you go though except I don’t walk up to him and ask them, that might get you popped in 2013. Shit, it’s this dude I like that whenever he walks past me, he puts his head down all the time, and he’s the only person who does that. I came to the conclusion that I don’t have time for the games no more. At almost 20 years old I don’t have time for that shit. If you can’t be direct you ain’t the man for me. I need someone aggressive, not someone who will shy away all the time. A friend of mine was direct as hell when we first met. He asked me for my num, and that night he asked me if I have a girlfriend or a boyfriend, I was like: “this dude comin kinda hard”. I told him I was straight, I only knew him for two days, so I lied lol. Of course as we became closer I told him, and he told me what was up.

  4. This post was really deep. Don’t let a man or anyone for that matter define who you are. You have to know your worth. I was the same way as you when I was young, and I still have to check myself every now and then. You hit the looking intimidating and masking attitude in front of strangers to a tee! Sometimes you have to go through the fire and embrace the flames in order to breakthrough. If you’ve gotten this far, your future will be even more brighter. Just go back to your blessing/prayer journal, and remind yourself that you are truly blessed!
    This post was much needed….

  5. Okay, so you are attractive and you’ve been through tough times and you critique yourself negatively in the mirror and you were attracted to unavailable men and you’re damaged. So are/have lots of other people!! Now what?

    What do i want you to do? Keep trying. You are telling me that your experience with a FEW… 3 wolves (1-2-3)… out of how many is the reason you stopped approaching? Chasing after men who don’t want to be chased and/or whom are not interested in anything serious (the finest ones usually arent) will bring about rejection. That solves that mystery. But you have to keep trying. Try different tactics. Say hi random strangers. Go out the:-):-):-):-) in the same way you think it is. Perhaps what you do that you think ma
    friendly and interested may be percieved as ‘needy’ (i can share this thing i read about that if you’d like to read it) And sometime you‘ll get rejected. Oh well! On to the next one.

    No. More. Pitty. Parties!! No more woes me! No more of this being defined by your past. No more talking about these percieved imperfections as if they are permananet. It is time to LET THAT SHIT GO!!! Its been the same narratives FOR YEARS. What you’ve been doing thus far has done you no good. Its time to get back infront of that mirror and say ‘ive been through all of these negative events, i have flaws, ive been rejected by unavailable men… but none of it has killed me and im still here… NOW WHAT??’

    1. Amendment: Second paragraph is suppose to say ‘Go out there and meet men. What you think you give my not be percieved in the same way you think it is. Perhaps what you do that you think makes you friendly…’

  6. I can relate to a lot of what you wrote. I would definitely be described as hard.

    Ultimately, you have to make a decision as to whether you’re going to keep putting yourself out there despite rejection…or not.

    Recent encounters have led me to choose the latter. My mind tells me to stop putting your hand on the stove if you don’t want to get burned. My upbringing has already prepared me for solitude. I’m comfortable, maybe even complacent alone. You have to make the decision that’s best for you.

  7. I think just about anyone can get past being rejected by a DL dude or someone that was loose with a reputation to begin with.

    The hard part is coming to terms with the fact what you want doesn’t always want you!

    You met them and knew this is what you’ve been searching for, but oops they are not as into you as you are them.

    They’re not emotionally unavailable to everyone…just you, and there’s nothing you can do to change that. You try anyway of course and end up looking like a damn fool.

    Now that shit right there send me spiraling.

  8. Jamari.. You are not alone. Your feelings and words speak volumes to those who share similar experiences and pain. It is never easy when you are going on your journey wanting, yearning for love. For some reason you feel it never comes or when it comes, its in a shape of a jackass .lol Maybe it is time for your healing and work on yourself so you can attract the love you really deserve.

    I would suggest to read several books on your journey to heal:

    1)Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins
    2)You Can Heal Your Life by Louise L. Hay
    3) Unclutter: Claim Your Spirit and Claim your Stuff by Kevin E. Taylor.

    I am sure these book will assist you on your journey of love and healing.

      1. I would also go to therapy also with conjunction with the books I suggested. It does work. There is nothing wrong with getting your mental balanced.

        Much Love

  9. Thanks for sharing this Jamari. Even though we are hiding behind our cyber space facades, I think it’s still difficult to just put yourself out there in a post like that. I often times have similar thoughts, but I wouldn’t dare put it out here in the comments section like you did in the post. That is commendable, and I don’t think that you are throwing yourself a pity party in that regard.

    Actually, some of the people here are making good points, though. Some comments, however, are (hopefully) just VERY TOUGH LOVE. For me, I had to (re)read these comments again to get the helpful message/advice because of the hard/harsh language. I took some time, though, and I started to see the different perspectives and how it related to my own life.

    Now, I’m still not a big fan of that philosophy “get over your past.” I mean, damn…rejection hurts whether it’s a relationship, career opportunity, etc. Honestly, being rejected and remembering that pain will also dictate our future actions. So, instead of getting over our past, perhaps we should learn to live with our past. Hell, I have to psych myself up to be rejected. Despite the possibility of rejection, I still keep trying.

    Overall, I think its important that we acknowledge some things have absolutely nothing to do with us. Instead, it’s just timing. Timing is everything. And, truthfully, we can’t control time. So, one step towards getting ourselves out of this funk it to acknowledge that we just can’t control “some” things.

  10. i want to thank everyone who took the time to read and comment yesterday.
    this entry was a very personal one for me.
    it took a lot to write because i like to keeping things in.
    i read every comment and didn’t get offended or sad.
    i was grateful for all the kind words because i just wanted to share my story.
    why i may do the things i do.
    there is a lot that happened in my life.
    the way i was raised.
    how people have treated me over the years.
    being the shy child who battled so many insecurities.
    it has been tough.
    if i was to pack it all in one entry,
    it would have ended up being a book.

    i will say i do meet men.
    not the ones i like,
    but i do meet them.
    i have a lot of hurt and things i have to work out within me.
    i am a fighter.
    i have fought hard to avoid being the victim of drugs, drank, and dick.
    i also have been fighting my insecurities and myself over the years.
    one the plus side,
    i am also a learner and i love to challenge myself.

    god is still working on me.
    please be patient.

    thanks you and a lot of love!

    1. Always know that you are not alone. We are always here for you. maybe you can write your book. tell your story. HUG HUG HUG

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