people think i’m stuck up.
they say i look intimidating.
i can see that.
i went to bed last night with the last entry in my mind.
the comments got to me a little.
i didn’t feel offended,
but i had to look at myself and had to ask,
“is it me?”
i have been told i am really attractive.
you’ll have to take my word for it.
i never saw “it”.
i look in the mirror and see this guy filled with flaws.
i critique myself very harshly.
i use to be painfully insecure.
mix that with being extremely shy.
when i got into this lifestyle,
wolves would fawn over me.
not the ones i was actually interested in.
i would smile and flirt.
learn to be a tease.
it was fun.
i had fun.
the ones i wanted were always a challenge.
3 different wolves i remember correctly.
crushed on them heavy.
they gave me the “signs” and all that d/l jazz.
people said to ask them!
give it the ol team spirit.
so i asked them.
rejected by all three.
see wolves want to sniff and pant around me all day.
they like the scent i give off.
the stares and the deep smiles.
as soon as i become aggressive and go after them,
they cave under the attention.
i said fuck it.
when people tell me to do something,
i often want to ask them what the fuck do they want me to do?
i do it and did it.
it didn’t work.
again: wtf do you want me to do?
my “intimidating” attitude comes from these experiences.
i have been through a lot in my young life.
do you know what it’s like to have no parents?
no one to depend on in a tough city like new york.
i don’t think people “get that”.
going from middle class kid to the culture shock of the ghetto.
getting emotionally and mentally abused by “family”.
even getting attacked by one.
people sitting around and letting it happen.
they always hated that my parents were successful.
i guess i was caught in the cross fire of their bullshit.
as soon as i bounced out that situation,
i cut all ties with those hood booger “aint worth shit” miscreant bitches.
i don’t go back to my abuser.
i’ve had star fox (couple people actually) say to me:
“jamari, if only you knew how good you are.
i don’t get it.
you have this light that you just don’t see.
i can tell you it a million times and you still don’t see it.”
i guess over the years i made myself this way.
life has made me hard.
people i trusted have disappointed me.
don’t get me wrong,
i’m one of the nicest people you could ever meet.
i have genuine intentions,
but i’ve learned to mask that around strangers.
maybe this is why i can’t meet a wolf?
i don’t really trust people,
even though i try to give them the benefit of the doubt.
i don’t trust men even tho i love them so much.
i closed myself off from the experience of love,
looking for the superficial,
but lately ive wanted it more than ever.
so maybe it is me.
i’m the issue.
i’m not perfect.
iyanla fix my life?
lowkey: you want to know me?
i literally cried writing this entry.
it felt to release.
sorry for bringing anyone down this morning.