I woke up with an Epiphany this morning.
Before I could wipe the cold out my eyes and pop a toothbrush in my mouth,
I was awoken by the sound of my inner voice screaming.
Sounds psycho, I know.
But, I have been feeling somewhat… down and disgusted these last few days.
I have been feeling “tired”, “worried”, and “over it”.
It has been making me sick and throwing up.
Somehow and somewhere, I picked up bad acid reflux or something.
I would rather be in bed sleep than actively doing anything.
And when I had to go somewhere, I wasn’t fully invested.
I must have been hit with some kind of depression that crept on me like a vine.
But, where THE FUCK did it come from?…
I’m actually not sad that I got fired.
Everything happens for a reason.
It happened, it sucked monkey balls, and I started to move on when I entered into the industry.
I got so busy that I really had no time to be “sad”.
I am falling into what I like to call: “Excuses and Re-Exclusive’s Negro Fox” category.
Simple def: I got an excuse for everything and slowly become mentally stagnant.
Even though I go out to great events and meet various people who have pull,
giving my all with connecting with them and being professional,
I am disconnected somewhere within my inner being.
I feel like I am not 100% giving my all.
Things that are due, I procrastinate HEAVY.
I hate it because this isn’t me.
But I will say that lately, I have been feeling my point in the world has a “?” mark.
(I think this is where the disconnect was).
So, when I woke up this morning, I had to recognize all my excuses and slap myself.
This new world I have entered is so different and causes me to always be “on”.
I have never had to do this before.
My life consisted of working a regular 9-5 and then home.
Now, it seems every other night, I am “somewhere“.
Then, the fun part of meeting them and building a solid connection has been a bit hard for me.
My shyness has been holding me back (especially when I do not WANT to be shy).
Two tears in a bucket; fuck it.
I have been making a constant effort lately to wake up and smell my own bullshit.
Do you know how much it stinks?
I am always open to change my trifling ways when I feel it is bringing me down, rather than up.
Fuck “The Emancipation of Mimi”.
It is the “The Emancipation of The Werewolf“.
I have been holding myself back in real life AND somewhat on here.
I haven’t been honest.
I really haven’t been speaking up.
I have been edited.
I have been sinking into a role of what I think myself and people will like.
Just falling victim to the “Why and Why Not?” and being it’s simple idiot bitch.
FUCK IT RIGHT NOW TO HELL!
I am making a conscious effort to re-invent myself.
Slowly, but progressive.
Best part is, I know a handful in my life changing for the better so I’m not alone.
They are going to be there for me; as I am with them.
PLUS, you all reading will be coming with me on this new journey.
All expenses paid.
I feel like an artist who is coming out with an album and it being “their most honest album/era to date“.
Often followed by an interview with Sway from MTV, surrounded by candles and a baptism.
But I often think: “What was so different than the last?“
I don’t want to ask myself that this go round.
So I’m telling everyone right now: