i was so sad over this one wolf.
so much shit was going between him and i.
i felt like i was going crazy tbh.
some people can have a powerful energy that draws you to them.
you can both be drawn to each other,
but if it one is fighting their attraction to you,
it can lead to a lot of emotional warfare.
so all last year,
i was listening to heartbreak songs and albums.
fuckin’ driver’s license from olivia rodrigo…
the chorus of this song made me feel like she was singing my feelings out loud.
i use to keep this part on repeat real heavy too:
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to
‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
Sidewalks we crossed
I still hear your voice in the traffic, we’re laughing
Over all the noise
God, I’m so blue, know we’re through
But I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
anything that expressed my sadness was all i wanted to listen to.
i was listening to toni braxton’s album “speak” for the first time.
it was more of a heartbreak album but i found it to be so boring.
i realized something…
sooooooo we might have a conversation today because i’m about to font some real shit.
as much as the straights think they are so different from “gay shit”,
some of them aren’t any different from the gays in their ill-treatment of others.
when i saw how brandon anthony was treating chika in their public kerfuffle,
it was no different than how many straights act when their true feelings come out.
folks said his behavior was due to being a shady la gay but:
Is being a shady asshole really just a “people” thing?
i’ve heard how gross some straight blacks in la are especially in the industry.
anytime you have a ton of people looking for popularity and to be “the star“,
no one really wins except the underdogs.
i can come off really guarded in person.
it’s nerves tbh.
it is all nervous energy in how i come off to other people.
when alcohol is in me,
my inhibitions can help me relax but i don’t want to become an alcoholic.
weed has only made me paranoid af.
everyone thinks content creating is an easy job,
from creating movies,
to whatever you do that is creative,
it takes a shit ton of emotional work to do.
folks think that i wake up every day and come on here and just write.
i always get asked questions like:
“How can I make a blog like yours?”
…and i’ve always struggled with the answer.
i can tell someone to start a blog or turn on the camera.
it’s easy to do that,
but there is more that comes with it on an emotional level.
i was thinking about it for the last few days and came up with a few thoughts…
i use to own a little sports car many years ago.
it was an older model,
but you couldn’t tell me shit when i was in that.
this was way before i started writing on here.
i was living at my sister’s aunt’s crib and life was kinda peaceful.
something went down and i owed money on the car.
i ended up having to park it and get on that metrocard plan.
it stayed parked for a year or two without movement.
i would have to go shovel it out of snow every winter.
one day i went out outside and saw a red letter stuck to the window…
insecurity makes us create stories as explanations.
when we are insecure about something,
we try to throw others off the scent with an elaborate tale.
it never worked because it always comes back to bite you in both cheeks.
your old tales have a way of catching up with your new ones.
when i was insecure about certain things,
i’d explain myself in a way that i thought would make me look good.
it brought more guilt down on my head.
the entry i wrote yesterday about being married/having kids led a foxholer to ask me this:
“Jamari, it would be great to create a post on how to respond to these unwelcomed dating inquiries and hear how others would respond.”
and i have just the response for everyone that works for me…