aaliyah’s death was truly a butterfly effect for many of us

perspective.
i’ve been listening to aaliyah’s “one in a million” album since its release last week.
it made me listen to other 90s teen r&b around that era too.
if you’re on the ig foxhole,
you can tell i’m down the rabbit hole with my stories.
aaliyah’s 20th death anniversary was yesterday and i still cannot believe its been that long.

My mother died the same year.
9/11 was the same year too.

even through all those events,
i’m still here even when i thought i would have killed myself a long time ago.
of course,
with any death anniversary,
i went down the rabbit hole of aaliyah’s short life and death.
i saw this clip of dame dash,
her ex,
from an et memorial special yesterday…

Continue reading “aaliyah’s death was truly a butterfly effect for many of us”

the foxhole book club ended up being more than i could imagine! (support group?)

yesterday had me pretty beat.
i had to wake up early because i had another appearance on tmz,
which will mark my 11th (or 12th) appearance on their platform,
but my segment ended up getting canceled.
the night before,
i had an amazing time meeting with the foxhole book club.
due to anxiety that riled up tho…
Continue reading “the foxhole book club ended up being more than i could imagine! (support group?)”

sometimes, you just gotta turn yourself “off”…

I walked out from my bedroom into my living room and the writing was on the wall.
no seriously,
Mi had taken a permanent marker and written nasty messages all over my walls.
How she got into my apartment was a mystery to me.
I know she gave back all her keys to me,
but did she make a spare?

I felt extremely horny for him.
I haven’t thought about him in quite a while.
Ever since he left me alone to tend to his relationship,
I decided it was best for me to move on.
For whatever reason,
the thought of him woke me up outta my sleep.
I felt this strong sexual energy take over me that I could not ignore.
At 430am,
I’m jacking myself off stupid with thoughts of him inside me.

i did not sleep last night.
i was having nightmares and filled with anxiety.
before i went to bed,
i was reading arguments about the jab from both sides.
i was wrapped up in natural happiness i never felt before a few weeks ago.
i had to wake up early to call unemployment today,
but of course,
i got the runaround and drop from them.
today,
foxhole… Continue reading “sometimes, you just gotta turn yourself “off”…”

sad music don’t hit when you over that pineapple

last year,
i was so sad over this one wolf.
so much shit was going between him and i.
i felt like i was going crazy tbh.
some people can have a powerful energy that draws you to them.
you can both be drawn to each other,
but if it one is fighting their attraction to you,
it can lead to a lot of emotional warfare.
so all last year,
i was listening to heartbreak songs and albums.
fuckin’ driver’s license from olivia rodrigo

the chorus of this song made me feel like she was singing my feelings out loud.
i use to keep this part on repeat real heavy too:

Red lights, stop signs
I still see your face in the white cars, front yards
Can’t drive past the places we used to go to
‘Cause I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)
Sidewalks we crossed
I still hear your voice in the traffic, we’re laughing
Over all the noise
God, I’m so blue, know we’re through
But I still fuckin’ love you, babe (ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh)

anything that expressed my sadness was all i wanted to listen to.
today,
i was listening to toni braxton’s album “speak” for the first time.
it was more of a heartbreak album but i found it to be so boring.
i realized something…

Continue reading “sad music don’t hit when you over that pineapple”

gays be fucked up. straights be fucked up. people be fucked up.

sooooooo we might have a conversation today because i’m about to font some real shit.
as much as the straights think they are so different from “gay shit”,
some of them aren’t any different from the gays in their ill-treatment of others.
when i saw how brandon anthony was treating chika in their public kerfuffle,
it was no different than how many straights act when their true feelings come out.
folks said his behavior was due to being a shady la gay but:

Is being a shady asshole really just a “people” thing?

i’ve heard how gross some straight blacks in la are especially in the industry.
anytime you have a ton of people looking for popularity and to be “the star“,
no one really wins except the underdogs.
no cap…

Continue reading “gays be fucked up. straights be fucked up. people be fucked up.”

the first step in a prison break is admitting you want to break out of prison

i can come off really guarded in person.
it’s nerves tbh.
it is all nervous energy in how i come off to other people.
when alcohol is in me,
my inhibitions can help me relax but i don’t want to become an alcoholic.
weed has only made me paranoid af.
honestly…

Continue reading “the first step in a prison break is admitting you want to break out of prison”