one of the last things my mother told me on her deathbed was:

“make sure you and your sister don’t get separated.
i want you both together.”

…and i tried.
if it wasn’t jackals circling her money,
it was relatives coddling her because she was “light skin”.

Foxhole,
it was a challenge.

i often wonder what our lives would have been like if we moved to florida?
we were supposed to go live with our uncle,
but tbh,
his life crashed and burned a few years later.
as my sister got older,
her mental health got worse and worse.
unfortunately,
we don’t have the kind of relationship my mother wanted for us.
she hits me up ever so often with “i’m gonna do better” DMS.
i don’t answer because she isn’t gonna do better.

i’ve been seeing a lot of discourse online about rue,
who is played by zendaya on “euphoria“.

people saying lexi was mean.
people saying her mother should have tried harder.
people saying they wanted a happier ending for rue.

mmm.

until you’ve loved someone struggling with addiction,
or severe mental health issues…

i think people should kindly shut the fuck up.

that kind of love takes a toll on you.
i watched her family members spend years trying to save my sister.
i watched them worry,
stress,
and lose sleep while her disease gave them her ass to kiss.
i watched them forget they were the cause of her troubles.
luckily for me,
my “bitch, fuck you” is top tier when i’ve had enough.
she knows i’m the one person who won’t play along.

i imagine it’s the same for many families dealing with addiction.

from the outside,
everyone has an opinion.

“don’t give up on them.”
“they’re family.”
“try harder.”

i was told the same shit about my sister too.
from the inside,
you learn something painful.
sometimes loving someone isn’t the hard part…

…realizing that you can’t save them is.

lowkey: rue’s story ended exactly how it would IRL.