i’ve realized as long as i’m in this living situation,
i’ll never get anything done.

when i font that i’m at 10% battery levels of burnt out rn?

my internal battery is on low power mode.
it’s been so bad,
the front of my hair broke off due to all the stress i’m dealing with.
it is always something in chaos agent’s lair.
i tried to plan a day of relaxation for 4th of july,
but of course,
some shit went down to disrupt my plans.

the reality is…

one thing about me is even if i’m going through it emotionally,
or embarrassed HD live,
i still pull it together and show TF up.
some people already underestimate me as is.
even if i’m crying BTS or venting about certain things on the Foxhole,
i learned in life to do that privately.

people are watching how your every move,
especially when you’re supposed to be bossed up.

the first sign of weakness and they’ll plot to cut your throat.
this also goes for people pleasing,
going above and beyond at a job,
and being “nice” as well.
last night,
i loved episode 2 of “house of the dragon” but rhaenyraaaaa….

one thing i miss is peace.
maybe i took it for granted?
when i was living in new yawk,
i thought i had too much of it.
ever since i relocated to this new forest…

i was trying to sleep and all i heard was barking.
it was 4 am.
chaos agent decided to foster another dog.
it woke me up out of my sleep and i was so tight.
i had to up at 730 am for work.
all the other dogs were quiet in the early morning hours.
the last puppy temperament was so chill.
he was 3 years old.
this new puppy is only 3 months old.

teething and restless.
heavy.

not only that,
i only knew this dog was coming the day before.
i just know i was sleeping but i was so annoyed.
in a rage,
i was gonna text all of my friends…

you know what my biggest issue is with DL or curious wolves?
since everything is on their time,
you’re always catering to them to make “the move”.

that could happen tomorrow.
that could happen six months from now.
that could happen never.

all that back and forth is trash and honestly…

one of the last things my mother told me on her deathbed was:

“make sure you and your sister don’t get separated.
i want you both together.”

…and i tried.
if it wasn’t jackals circling her money,
it was relatives coddling her because she was “light skin”.

Foxhole,
it was a challenge.

i often wonder what our lives would have been like if we moved to florida?
we were supposed to go live with our uncle,
but tbh,
his life crashed and burned a few years later.
as my sister got older,
her mental health got worse and worse.
unfortunately,
we don’t have the kind of relationship my mother wanted for us.
she hits me up ever so often with “i’m gonna do better” DMS.
i don’t answer because she isn’t gonna do better.

i’ve been seeing a lot of discourse online about rue,
who is played by zendaya on “euphoria“.

people saying lexi was mean.
people saying her mother should have tried harder.
people saying they wanted a happier ending for rue.

mmm.

until you’ve loved someone struggling with addiction,
or severe mental health issues…