one of the last things my mother told me on her deathbed was:

“make sure you and your sister don’t get separated.
i want you both together.”

…and i tried.
if it wasn’t jackals circling her money,
it was relatives coddling her because she was “light skin”.

Foxhole,
it was a challenge.

i often wonder what our lives would have been like if we moved to florida?
we were supposed to go live with our uncle,
but tbh,
his life crashed and burned a few years later.
as my sister got older,
her mental health got worse and worse.
unfortunately,
we don’t have the kind of relationship my mother wanted for us.
she hits me up ever so often with “i’m gonna do better” DMS.
i don’t answer because she isn’t gonna do better.

i’ve been seeing a lot of discourse online about rue,
who is played by zendaya on “euphoria“.

people saying lexi was mean.
people saying her mother should have tried harder.
people saying they wanted a happier ending for rue.

mmm.

until you’ve loved someone struggling with addiction,
or severe mental health issues…

Have you ever felt like your life is lowkey under construction,
but you’re the only one standing in the rubble with no blueprint in sight?

i think i finally understand addiction.
that quiet but slippery kind.
it’s where you’re just trying to feel anything “other than”.
we don’t always run to crack.
sometimes it’s just retail therapy,
drink throughout the week,
subbin’ aimlessly to find the best onlyfans,
or racking up trophies through fucking.
anything to dodge the weight pressing down on your chest.
anything to avoid the silence where the truth lives.

i’ve been there lately.
not just emotionally,
but physically cornered.
trapped.
it’s like i’ve been living in a house with no doors,
no windows,
and just a constant draft of bad energy.
that house tho?
that is my current home…

I’m giving the same look as well.

back in the 80s and 90s,
coke was the party drug of choice.
in this decade,
it’s still the go-to for the elite but has been slowly making its way into the hood.
fonting of the hood,
once crack was introduced,
it was over.
growing up,
meth was the ultimate nightmare drug.
those meth ads scared my gay ass straight,
showing how it could slowly turn you into a gargoyle.

…but recently,
it seems like meth is becoming more and more accepted.

“AnYoNe GoT anY TiNA (meth’s alt acct name) to PnP?”

i came across a tweet that hit me in the gut,
and many Foxholers echoed the sentiment with their own stories and confirmations….

i am still blown away at chandler bing,
aka,
matthew perry‘s untimely passing.
i still feel like i’m dreaming.
i know watching friends is a touchy subject for many black folks but fuck it:

I loved Friends and he was one of my favorite characters on that show.

like certain artists albums,
that show got me through some hard times.
my cousin politely let me know i’ve become more like monica as i grow up.

i’ll accept it cause its true.
i heard about matthew’s troubles when he was alive.
due to just not wanting to know,
i didn’t do much of deep dive.
i chose to keep him in my happy place.
after he passed,
i ended up watching his interview with diana sawyer and…

Continue reading “i did not know chandler bing aka matthew perry was struggling like this” →

speaking of addiction,
i’ve been carrying around a burden for a while now.
i noticed this particular addiction was syncing with an issue that i have too.
foxhole…

Continue reading “foxhole, i have found myself in an addiction that might have been fuckin’ me up” →

yes,
send all the chocolate.
so it’s happened.
i didn’t think i’d become “one of them“,
but i did.
i have friends and co workers who are addicted and thought i was cute judging them.
they leave them on their desks and in plain sight.
a fox couldn’t escape them if he tried.
now…

Continue reading “i’ve gotten an addiction i’m trying to get under control” →