Have you ever felt like your life is lowkey under construction,
but you’re the only one standing in the rubble with no blueprint in sight?

i think i finally understand addiction.
that quiet but slippery kind.
it’s where you’re just trying to feel anything “other than”.
we don’t always run to crack.
sometimes it’s just retail therapy,
drink throughout the week,
subbin’ aimlessly to find the best onlyfans,
or racking up trophies through fucking.
anything to dodge the weight pressing down on your chest.
anything to avoid the silence where the truth lives.

i’ve been there lately.
not just emotionally,
but physically cornered.
trapped.
it’s like i’ve been living in a house with no doors,
no windows,
and just a constant draft of bad energy.
that house tho?
that is my current home…

so karaoke is back in new yawk for the week.
she’s one of those folks that instantly makes you feel lighter,
like you can laugh your way out of any mess.
it’s like God has been having a dark sense of humor.
the weather this week has been a wash out.
the day before she arrives,
my landlord decides it’s the perfect time to be wildly inconsiderate.

two days of straight up bullshit and just like that…

My joy got hijacked.

i spent yesterday morning dealing with this landlord shit,
i ended up being late for the event she booked for us,
that she had to do it alone.
that and i wildly underestimated the D.
i found myself wandering the city in the rain for three hours,
trying to draft a text to my landlord that i couldn’t send.

i always wonder if people think i’m out here living it up?
partying,
traveling,
maybe even fucking but the reality?

i feel like I’m getting addicted to not wanting to be bothered.
I’m addicted to putting my phone on DND,
sleeping,
and isolating because I don’t have the energy

my body feels the stress,
like it’s physically rejecting the weight i’m carrying.
as soon as i stepped back into this apartment yesterday,
that same heaviness returned like clockwork.
there are days i show up; there are days i can’t do it.
sometimes the only boundary i can manage is just disappearing altogether.
i am EXTREMELY grateful for the people who get it.
the ones who don’t need the full breakdown to understand i’m surviving something.
they hold space for me without needing a full explanation.
i still find myself asking:

Why does it feel like God keeps handing me the heaviest assignments?
Why does peace feel like this unreachable thing,
dangling just out of reach?

one day soon it’ll all make sense,
but right now?

I can’t breathe.