i loved “the butterfly effect” because it shows the dangers of changing the past.

cousin hybrid asked me today that if i could go back to a particular year,
one where all the shit in my life popped off,
would i change anything with the knowledge i have now.
ironic because earlier today,
i asked fancy if she ever misses anyone from her past.
i’ve been fantasizing heavy about someone from mine.
as fun as it would be to try and change the past…

i can honestly font that everything that happened in my life,
it all happened for me to get to this point.
all the loss,
heartbreak,
struggles,
abuse,
and brokenness all served their purpose.

…because if some shit in my life didn’t happen,
or i didn’t meet the people i did,
it would have changed my trajectory and theirs.

i like to think of our lives as one big ass TV season and every character serves a purpose,
whether they were good or bad.

even all the dumb,
stupid,
and moronic shit we did served a purpose too.
they were a ton of lessons we had to learn in order to move forward.

for shits and giggles,
if my mother didn’t pass away:

i would probably be still living with her,
with no life skills,
and trying to keep up a “straight” appearance.
i would probably be a homebody,
working some job my mother helped me get,
and i would have never did anything significant without her.
The Foxhole wouldn’t exist because i’d be still scared to confront my gay side.

her dying was probably the best thing that happened to me.
i miss her so much but it was either her or me.
God chose her.
going back and being the person i am now,
knowing my mother would ultimately die,
would be a mind fuck because i wouldn’t be able to tell her.
i do wonder tho:

what would have happened if i wasn’t scared and actually fucked my first male crush?
what if that day he came over by himself,
i would have been more brave and let it happen?

…but again,
what if he would have killed me because of his own fears and insecurities?
what if it was so good that he got turned out but we became a toxic relationship?
he was already weak and a follower so that wouldn’t have ended well.
i would have wanted something he could never give me.
so see,
nothing good comes from going back to the past,
even in the future.

message.

lowkey: i like that “the butterfly effect” had a few deleted endings.

the one that if you didn’t exist,
how would our loves ones lives have turned out without us is a deep one.