i miss when i was craving to be a hoe

…or do i?
you ever felt a craving for something,

but you just couldn’t figure out what you wanted?
i get like that constantly.
some days,
i think i want something in particular,
but when i get it,
i realize it’s not what i really wanted.
i’m starting to feel this way about the male species

back in the day,
i use to a real hoe.

it didn’t matter if the wolf was married or in a relationship.
vixen or another fox.
if i wanted him,
i was going to get him.
i’d meet them in the usual spots.

bgc
a4a
myspace

good times.
i was meeting so many wolves from off of those sites.
someone would hit me up,
we’d do that “back and forth” dance,
i’d unlock my pics if i thought they were serious,
they’d usually like what they saw,
numbers would be exchanged,
and i’d have some to waste time with.
the beauty was i could meet males from other states.
i met some wolves from here,
but i was so scared to be “found out”.
i always felt most of the ones from around here weren’t cute.
star fox (rip) put me on to going out of state for my meat.
so dudes and i would text and be on the phone for hours.
there was something real about the whole thing.
of course,
since i wasn’t close to them,
i’d end up having a few phone bone sessions.

I was damn good at phone boning too

wolves would call me just to phone sex.

 i have a way with words.
some would end coming out here to visit.
a few occasions,
i’d road trip and end up meeting.
if the vibes were right,
i’d end up getting the real life dick.
it was always good times.

nowadays tho,
my appetite yearns for something else.
there are days when i’m hungry for a wolf to occupy my time.
i’d love to meet someone that hungers for me again.
most of the time tho,
my cravings lie in being a success.

i often wonder if i had it all,
from money to consistent dick,
would i truly be happy and content?

i don’t feel happy within my own skin/life at the moment.
my focus nowadays is “what will make jamari happy?”.
i miss the days when it was all so easy for me.

when things weren’t so over-exposed and blasé
when other males didn’t lower your self worth because you liked them
when i actually smiled from someone i was talking to

when i truly had no fucks to give about anything

i’d tired of craving something for the wanting of it.
somewhere down the line,
i think i allowed life/people/events to bring me down.
i miss when i felt fresh.
from meat to pursuing goals,
every craving felt like an orgasm to bite into.
i guess you can say i feel unfulfilled.

Am I the only one?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

18 thoughts on “i miss when i was craving to be a hoe

      1. Hell I am going through a semi hoe phase myself. Been a rough year lost some folks and one them was a parent… It seems like more of a stress reaction. I had semi hoe phase some years back when I dropped a lot of weight (100+). One thing about these “Phases” I learned that I am picky as shit!!! I can’t just go for anything!! Can’t go with the b.s. I am not super fem but not masc, so I never fit into that down-low world and to be honest in some instances I did not understand why some dudes were down-low to begin with but to each their own. Anyway I think you are still in discovery mode bro. I don’t know you and please don’t take it as that I mean no offense, but I think in “Truth” you are still trying to fully be comfortable and fulfilled in you. It’s a process man. You will get there and find somebody that is your dream with pipe to match. Take care and stay blessed. You are walking toward you purpose don’t stray!!!

      2. There’s a saying that “Life is a journey with experiences…our challenge is not to stay in the experience but learn what we can, not try to fix a place, person, or thing everytime and move to the next experience.” The problem becomes when we try to fix a problem beyond our control and not move on. We can have the same experience over and over into infinity because we didn’t learn what we were meant too. One of my brothers had the same experience over and over because he loved the wrong person and could never accept the person didn’t want him for his entire life…he died loving someone who only married him to keep him from marrying someone else and made his life a living hell for his entire life. He was trying to fix the problem ignoring common sense and judgement to his demise. How many of us stay in a situation we know is not good but yet we stay through both mental and physical abuse in the name of love or because we are afraid to be alone or afraid to be successful? Sometimes we all have thoughts and act on insecurities, lust, jealousy, possessiveness, success and failure yet as we grow we are supposed to learn from that phase, sometimes we don’t. Think about it Jamari are you the same person who started the foxhole in the beginning…I would venture to say no. You want more, you see life differently, you changed the lens of your life. It’s all a good thing. It’s all growth. But our truths (experiences) from our younger selves exist below the surface of our older selves. At moments they come back, it depends of what state of mind we are in as to whether we let them lay dormant, become semi-active or active again. We can express them outward or express them from external factors to inward. However we express them defines how we feel for a reason, season or lifetime. There’s no magic wand to happiness or success but we know if we do certain things they either help or undermine our getting there plain and simple. Sometimes I have regrets but I remind myself of what I’ve been through, the failures I’ve had, who hurt me or who I hurt but at the same time how I’ve grown, what I’ve accomplished and things I know I don’t want versus those I want. I place myself in situations or around people I know want the best for me and will let me know when I’m slipping. During college reunions there one guy who reminds me that during college I wasn’t ready to be true to myself or accept the love he was ready to give…short story…we’d gone to college for 3 yrs and I saw him in passing off and on but there was always an undercurrent then after we graduated I came home from grad school for a visit and came across him working…we went out, clicked where he flat out told me he wanted me…it wasn’t just sex that winter night but a real connection that scared the hell out of me. Long story short he told me he loved me and to show me would put all his money in my account and move back with me to where I was going to grad school. I of course didn’t believe him and left and went back to grad school. I drove away feeling that I was losing something I really wanted. As I got older and looked back, I wondered what if. We can’t be controlled by what happened in the past but rather where we are now. What we do, how we feel and what plays out to degree is up to us so everyday is a new page. What do we choose to be? Happy, sad, burdened by regret or hopeful, expecting and seeing the best in our journey as we await a new experience. For a lot of gay and bi men, the approaching holidays cause us to yearn for other…love, success, family, companionship, etc because we see those things all around and of course we want them too. But our lives in respect are more complex and has more layers. I believe just as there are hookup sites there should be more networking sites for men of color to find meaningful friendships and networks outside of the sexual realm. You mentioned in one of your posts how you wished you could have a group of guys that hung out just like the group of straight guys you hung out with for a day. Lots of guys over 30 are not necessarily looking for sex but rather people to do things with, cultivate professional relationships, network, etc. There needs to be more of that because there are parts missing (family, friends, partners) sometimes that help sustain mental health. Deep down we know what we really want…the question is how to go about really getting it without resorting to a phase of life you weren’t happy with. Refection is not a bad thing, living in the past is something entirely different. The foxhole serves as so many things to so many…reflection, therapy, life learning, a safe place, a sound board. You’ve made it that way and that is no easy feat. We all have a right to feel a certain way at a certain time…it’s life and it’s growth.The world can be a cruel place but in the foxhole there is safety and the best is yet to come.

  1. if you possibly focused on the character of a man more than you do his muscles, complexion & other facial features, you’d most likely be in love & committed within the confines of a long term relationship like the rest of us. change your surface, physical appeal approach & i guarantee that real, intimate, genuine love will settle into your life.

    1. ^when i write,
      i speak about fantasy.
      regardless of fantasy or not,
      i am open to those i have a spark with.
      just because you are or aren’t fantasy,
      that doesn’t mean you will find someone who will be loyal and love you.
      “ugly” men you settle with can hurt you.
      i’ve seen regular dudes with no muscles ruin another person just as much as a fantasy has.

      1. me encouraging you to focus on character does not in any way suggest that only “ugly” or “regular” men possess quality characteristics. you totally & completely missed my point.

        our “fantasies” are an extension of our core values. and it is very clear beyond reason that you put emphasis on surface appeal — the looks of a man, being liked by co-workers, being invited to certain parties, having money & somehow curating a social circle that resembles the likes of issa rae & her temporary associates on a summer cruise boat.

        you have got to begin seeing the world beyond Snapchat filters & Instagram highlights.

        HAPPINESS & the true essence of CONTENTMENT isn’t found with your legs spread beneath a 25 year old bathroom model who would give his body to anyone willing to cast him in a Tyler Perry special.

        those ARE the men you feature here.
        solely. HOES.

        let’s focus on broader ideas & there… lies a sentiment of success. it’s not receiving an email or social media response from some escort, disguised as a personal trainer who is thanking you for limited exposure.

        why is that considered an achievement?

  2. Not much to ramble about. Brent has an interesting post that I think should be a universal tweet for like 85% of younger gay men.

    Honestly, I’ve been on this blog for a good bit but not that far back. I had no idea you were a wild boy like that, (not that it’s any of my business or it’s a bad thing.) I always thought of you like Carrie Bradshaw in hindsight, maybe even a little bit of Noah from Noah’s Arc in there.

    Well, I will say this:

    Go out and live and do you. Live your life, you or nayone of your Foxholers might not make it till Monday. Enjoy what you have and do it.

    I will say as I always do. When you do find a wolf, make sure he always make you smile and keep you in a good mood. That’s someone you will need to grow old with. The chemistry Alo like this will make him either make passionate love or smash you like it’s his last time he’ll get to do it.

    I never had a hoe phase but sometimes I wish I did get a chance to experience it. Idk though, the older I get, the naughtier I get and my bf will be in a coma dealing with me. Mold him the right way. He only gets an erection from thinking about me, no porn needed, if he masturbates, the thought of me is enough.

    The only thing I can say is beautiful and ugly are relative. There have been dudes on here that have been praised by posters and Ive found them simply, meh or just blah …

    Meanwhile, I find something about Trey Songz soo hot and others are tired of seeing his goofy ass.

      1. moving to Atlanta is a terrible, terrible MISTAKE unless you have already been working in your chosen field for 7+ years & have been hired to begin a new company prior to the relocation. Atlanta is a chess pool of distraction, arrogance without merit & smoke/mirror opportunity. you should not stay where you are, but if you are a black gay man, ATL is no place of substance or growth for you.

  3. No you’re not the only one feeling this way I get it. The older I get after still dealing with times of depression and low self esteem I’m starting to realize that I need to stop giving a fuck and just do stuff. I don’t think there is anything wrong with looking for a soul mate and such but there is also nothing wrong with enjoying Mr. Right Now.

    I told myself 2019 would be my “hoe” phase (even tho I don’t believe in the word hoe), it might include sex, talking to pineapples, and just getting out there more.

  4. I definitely feel you! I am tired of coming home to an empty home. I am tired of just work and home. I need a social life that involves me getting my back blown out and enjoying someone’s company. I’m working on getting myself emotionally ready for that. Also I know I need to move but I gotta wait for that smdh.

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