Let’s take a trip back right quick.
from a young age,
i knew that i was attracted to other males.
i guess i can say i was born that way.
i don’t recall being molested to trigger my attraction but who knows?
growing up on a small island,
being gay was a scary thing because you could be beaten and hanged.
like,
they would publicly beat criminals with the cat o’ nine tails.
it was also associated with mentally ill people who cross dressed and raped little boys.
so i’m confused and scared that is what i’d be associated as.
now that i’m in healing mode,
i see that…
I was so uncomfortable with myself because it was dressed in fear and shame.
My fear was to be exposed and shunned by those I loved.
I had all these conflicting thoughts of what I was supposed to be.
I didn’t see myself having kids or being married to a vixen so what would be my life?
Would I be like the “mentally ill buller” who was a recluse in the next avenue?
all the other fathers are proud of their sons at my school,
who dominate in sports and being the ultra-masculine boy,
and my father is angry because he knew i was going to be different.
my father was a popular baller wolf on the island so his son needed to be next in line. his son would rather get a my little pony and live in his imagination of being a girl.
all my father can talk about is how my mother and grandmother “made me this way“.
he was angry at them but embarrassed because i wouldn’t be like him.
i didn’t understand before but i get it now which is why he is canceled.
When I look back,
I can see why I made the decisions out of survival and fear.
I ignored the young wolves in my age group who were curious and wanted to experiment with me.
Deep down I knew,
but I was scared.
I’m glad I did because I don’t think I would have handled that well.
It made me forever green and still excited about my blooming sexuality.
a Foxholer sent me a video about cardi b speaking about male sexuality:
…and i get it.
We all have a story of how we got introduced to this gay forest.
it could have been born this way or by way of molestation/rape.
the hatred for being gay comes from their innocence being taken.
some hate that this is their story and try their hardest to have no parts.
there are many layers to all of us.
we just don’t know and until we do,
we need to give grace because many are suffering in silence and shame.
I know I did.
lowkey: nothing was worse than hearing “we already knew”.
i barely wanted to live because i felt they knew and was trying to be anything but what they knew.
Great point, give people some grace, we don’t know how we ended up how we are, it is life, everyone has struggled, some more than others. Being molested into it creaps into all aspects of your life. The old I get, the more I realize it. Getting ignored or cast aside adds to the trauma. I know this is why I am bi. Denying it for political reasons just further victimizes those whose journey was traumatic.
Idk anything first hand about SA, but I do know that the constant association of it and homosexuality is a dangerous narrative, for many reasons. While well intentioned, it’s even more dangerous when Cardi, queen of the hoodrat intelligencia, is the one w the bullhorn.