foxhole,
a friend of mine asked me today:

“what does your healing look like?”

i thought it was a good question.
my healing looks like…

…having to disappear IRL for a little while.

not because i’m angry or want attention.
i just need to go into my den,
go full hibernate mode,
and finally deal with me.

healing isn’t always some dramatic transformation with inspirational music playing in the background.

sometimes it’s crying.
sometimes it’s sitting on the floor in the dark.
sometimes it’s listening to mary j’s “my life” album on repeat.
you know when you pull out mary j,
or (insert your fav depressing ass album here),
its serious.

sometimes it’s hoping “someone” texts you to see if you’re good,
but if it’s that:

healing is admitting you’ve been looking for other people to give you something you need to start giving yourself.

i’ve realized that’s where i am right now.
the last year and eight months dragged the fur off me.
i went from a frying pan into a pressure cooker.
for the longest time,
i thought getting into my own space would be the finish line.

get the keys.
close the door.
exhale.
happily ever after.

NOPE!
my surroundings changed but broken parts of me hadn’t.
i started noticing how much validation i was looking for from people around me.
when someone behaved in a way that made me feel ignored,
rejected,
or uncertain:

my reaction sometimes felt much bigger than the actual situation.

i’ve spent so much time trying to get somewhere safe,
i don’t think i’ve actually processed what happened while i was trying to get there.
that’s the strange thing about survival.

while you’re surviving,
there isn’t always time to heal.

you’re too busy figuring out the next move.
healing sometimes doesn’t begin until after you’ve made it out.
i can already tell this isn’t going to be easy,
but maybe healing isn’t about becoming the person i was before everything happened.
maybe the real question is:

who do i want to become now that i don’t have to survive anymore?

…because i can give myself permission to be anyone i want to be.

lowkey: i think i’m doing “never say never” by brandy this go round.