i always find it eerie when someone’s posts their final pic,
tweet,
or status message before their untimely death.
sydney loofe was on her way for a second date with who she thought was “the one”,
but didn’t realize that would be the last night she would be alive.

she was found cut up in pieces in 13 trash bags on the side of the highway.

i was creeped out while watching a hulu docuseries,
“swipe right on the devil“,
and it had me shook at like 3am.
it was only 3 episodes but i had to finish.
she met her end matching with psychopaths on on tinder,
but the entire docuseries takes you down a crazy rabbit hole.
as they were looking for her body,
all kinds of other wild shit was happening too.
there was a main thought on my mind that stood out while watching…

sometimes,
we don’t realize what tough seasons do to us.
after we go through it and come out the other side,
other people can notice the impact all that weight carried.
so i sent my cousin a VN earlier to wish her a happy birthday.
she responded about how i sound and it floored me…

foxhole,
a friend of mine asked me today:

“what does your healing look like?”

i thought it was a good question.
my healing looks like…

as soon as i woke up this morning,
some Foxholers were sending me things about perez hilton on tiktok.
i saw the video but it was so blurry,
i didn’t know WHAT i was looking at.
another Foxholer hit me up and told me not to look at the video.
i appreciate that kind of love tbh.
they were trying to protect my spirit because tbh…

last night,
i had a huge panic attack.
the last time i had one of those was at my last job back in 2019,
where i was looking like a malnourished twink.
the only time i get panic attacks is when i’m severely stressed out.
in this last week of october in 2025…

i am severely stressed out again.

“What did it feel like?”

i was asked that today.
it felt like…

maybe…

we are too much.
we aren’t enough.
we say the wrong things.
we shouldn’t have fought back.
we were never the right fit.
we have been the square in the circle.

all of those things can be true.
we are not robots either.
i think what hurts the most is when we can say/font,
without the possibility of a doubt,
that we did nothing wrong in a conflict.
we do live in a climate of:

blind leading the blind off the cliff like some lemmings

…and there are a lot of muthafuckas who KNOW we were in the right,
or that we were the victims,
but the chose to turn the blind eye while we suffered.
we got thrown in the fire because it was easier than accountability.
they watched as our reputations got tarnished and never called the person(s) out.

the people who know their friend,
partner,
or family member is wrong and doesn’t say anything.

they tell us to fight back,
stand our ground,
and don’t take no shit but my question is…