last night,
i had a huge panic attack.
the last time i had one of those was at my last job back in 2019,
where i was looking like a malnourished twink.
the only time i get panic attacks is when i’m severely stressed out.
in this last week of october in 2025…

i am severely stressed out again.

“What did it feel like?”

i was asked that today.
it felt like…

maybe…

we are too much.
we aren’t enough.
we say the wrong things.
we shouldn’t have fought back.
we were never the right fit.
we have been the square in the circle.

all of those things can be true.
we are not robots either.
i think what hurts the most is when we can say/font,
without the possibility of a doubt,
that we did nothing wrong in a conflict.
we do live in a climate of:

blind leading the blind off the cliff like some lemmings

…and there are a lot of muthafuckas who KNOW we were in the right,
or that we were the victims,
but the chose to turn the blind eye while we suffered.
we got thrown in the fire because it was easier than accountability.
they watched as our reputations got tarnished and never called the person(s) out.

the people who know their friend,
partner,
or family member is wrong and doesn’t say anything.

they tell us to fight back,
stand our ground,
and don’t take no shit but my question is…

“a story of low self esteem.”

that was on the first page.
i think it might have been a warning.
last week,
i decided to start reading to get my mind off “well, you know“.

the new movie “pillion” is based off a book called “box hill” by adam mars-jones.
the book follows colin who meets ray at a biker club called “box hill”.
it is based in the 70s,
but if this was current,
he would be considered an “the fantasy attentionisto” on socials.
so they meet when colin trips over ray at the club…

…and while on his knees,
he sucked ray’s dick at the club because,
well,
why not since he was already down there.

i’m not finished reading but colin annoys me because every other sentence is:

what does a mental health episode look like?
okay,
let’s rephrase:

what does YOUR idea of a true mental health episode look like?

i can’t font for you,
but for me,
it means removing myself from all things until further notice.
before it was wallowing in self pity and sadness.
these days,
its quietly finding what brings me joy to recharge my batteries.

unlike the others,
i can’t pour from an empty cup.

last week,
dante the body had a mental health episode.
he posted a dramatic AF social media post:

“I’M UNALIVING MYSELF AND IF YOU FIND THIS NOTE,
IT’S TOO LATE!”

( x you can see it here )
well,
whoops!…
because he posted this…

i have been thinking of the dante the body situation since yesterday.
i’ve come to the conclusion that…

fonting of not knowing WTF is happening bts…

we have had many discussions about dante the body over the Foxhole years,
but this is a serious one.
i don’t know the context of what has happened since this following post yesterday,
but it seems that he may have allegedly taken his own life (?????).
this is the IG post a Foxholer JUST sent in…