I’ve had beef with God for a minute.

okay,
maybe more than a minute.
like,
a solid two-year feud.
blame it on what the church villagers were telling me:

“God is testing you.”
“God gives you what you can handle.”
“God’s just seeing if you’re worthy of a breakthrough.”

sure,
it sounds poetic,
but it felt like spiritual gaslighting.

Why would a loving God dish out trauma like it’s a rite of passage?
Why the hoops?
Why the pain?

if i’ve already proven myself,
why keep testing me?
it felt like cosmic abuse with only my name on it.
i was ready to give up on God because i’ve seen tired.
i’ve been stuck in this loop,
playing by the rules,
yet running in circles.
this past sunday,
sarah jakes-roberts dropped a gem in her sermon that hit me like a plot twist…

The devil is the one who destroys.

and suddenly,
the past two years made more sense.
i’ve been on a mission,
trying to learn faith,
working through my mess in therapy,
and making real progress.
you know who hates progress?

he’s been working overtime,
throwing chaos my way,
succeeding in making me hate God for all i’ve been dealing with.

the closer i get to God,
the harder the devil fights to pull me away.
he has been using my doubts,
my fears,
and even my anger towards God.
i’ve been aiming my smoke at the wrong target this whole time.
it’s funny how the devil’s biggest trick isn’t just making you think he doesn’t exist…

..but convincing you that God’s the enemy.