my lips were usually the trap.
they wanted these lips sliding up and down on their hard pipes in secret.
next was the fact that i was different.
“soft“.
“quiet“.
two things i thought were weaknesses were actually what made their dicks hard.
“i think i can explore my curiosity with him”.
lastly: i wasn’t acting like a hoe because i was comfortable in my innocence.
they sniffed out that i liked other males even if i didn’t know it yet.
that is how it begins:

An assumption wrapped in desire and a fantasy they could never say out loud.

they recognized something in me that they saw in themselves,
but when things started getting out of control…

Disembodied (adj): separated from or existing without the body.

watching “queer” last night,
i realized i was the main character with a twist.
i never financially paid for another male but i did pay emotionally.
lee (played by daniel craig) had me in my feelings at 12 am.

at first,
i thought the movie was weird but as i watched,
i started to fully understand the story…

i asked a friend that question today.

“When did the shift happen in your life?”

it didn’t come from spiritual twitter or seeing angel numbers.
for me:

It wasn’t the death of my mother.
It wasn’t Work Wolf or WW3.
It wasn’t the fallouts with “friends”.

nope…

i was watching a twitch streamer the other day,
when someone asked:

“How can I become a streamer like you?”

and his response baffled me:

“Don’t try to be a streamer.”

it baffled me because i thought he was being an asshole.
when i sat and thought about it,
he was right…

do you know your worth?
you could have 1 dollar in your account but demand to be treated a certain way.
for many of us,
we forget our worth and allow ourselves to be treated any kind of way.
we think we need to “be a certain way” in order to get what we want.

People who know they worth don’t keep the peace.
They know to shake shit up until everyone gets it right.

when i saw usher calling for the doorman to hold the door for him,
i thought to myself that this was just usher being extra.

“he already had the door open so why did he need to call the doorman over.”
keyword: the doorman.
in a group chat i’m in,
i posted the video and karaoke had this to font…

hope is one of my bad words now.
its a passive word.

“I hope he will stop cheating on me.” He won’t.
“I hope this scammer will send me a video for 100 dollars.” No chance in hell.
“I hope this job will appreciate how hard I work.” They won’t.
“I hope I will become a millionaire.” You may or may not depending on God’s plan.

imo.
it’s a word formed in fantasy and dilutes reality.
for example:

A “hopeless romantic” is someone who keeps getting played over and over because they are confusing love with fantasy.

i have had hope for a lot of things,
especially when it came to other males interest that i wasn’t sure about.

“I hope this dude will finally see me the way I see him.”

…and years later,
i was still holding onto hope of a fantasy that never manifested.
i’ve learned another word and im gon’ share it with The Foxhole…