fonting of,
i was having a conversation with someone in the entertainment industry.
they are a pretty big deal in their field.
he sent me a VN talmbout:

“i really like what you are doing with your website.
you have a gift and you are so popular.
everyone knows you…”

stop right there.
…who are you talking too?

so i never thought i was popular in all of my years Foxholing.
i don’t think i thought of myself as anything tbh.
i never allowed myself too.
that is probably where this confusion comes from.
i always assumed popularity meant some kind of fame.

invites to events by my name
celebs and the like know me by my name
having pull and alliances by my name

i guess i mistook visibility for validation.
i’ve confused glitz with greatness but for my entire life,
i have felt underestimated and un-welcomed.
so i always thought i was a little voice in the forests,
in my castle upon the hill,
and not really expecting much than expressing my:

truths
fears
life dramas
heartbreaks
fuck ups
fantasies

we have been through all of those things together.
i think we have gone through 4 presidents together too.
we experienced joblessness
work work,
TV debuts,
and other things on this journey together.
someone else said to me:

“when God wants to keep someone’s gift pure,
He keeps them slightly underestimated; even by themselves.”

i have been doing all of this work in loneliness,
and i think that quietness is what confused me.
tbh,
it has kept me humbled and down to earth.
i am known but i don’t know how known.

what if being a big deal isn’t about who sees you…
but who feels you?

hmm.