listennnnnnn….

i’ve come to two conclusions about that assassination.
it has been sitting on my spirit for a while now.
i like to look deep into things when i’m connecting dots.
so check it,
one…

the other day,
my friend said to me that she doesn’t believe in God.
it threw me back a bit because i assumed she did.
in my eyes,
her life seems pretty dope.
it has it’s rocky moments but she isn’t suffering in the least.
last week,
she was blessed with over 3k that she didn’t even ask for.
she doesn’t go to church but i always assumed her faith in God was strong.

nope.
not even a little bit.

i saw ^that post pop up on “the neighborhood talk” and i gotta ask…

Have you ever wondered if life’s little messes are actually Gods way of sending us a message?

i didn’t want to leave my apartment at first.
it was 8am,
snow was coming down hard,
and my fridge was empty.
on top of that,
i was out of dishwashing liquid.
that is a survival essential if you hate dirty dishes as much as i do.

“i can do this tomorrow,” I thought.

….but what if tomorrow came and i pushed it back again?
tomorrow is christmas.
i was supposed to spend today with my straight boyfriend.
don’t ask,
it’s complicated.
he wanted us to do christmas eve and christmas together,
but plans got canceled thanks to him catching the flu.

So, it’s just me.
Again.

eventually,
i convinced myself to throw on some clothes and head to the store.
as soon as i stepped back outside with my groceries,
i noticed the snow had stopped.
out of nowhere:

BAM…

Have you ever been told you’re not doing enough for God?

someone hit me with that last night,
and let me font you,
that shit didn’t sit right with me.

WTF does God want me to do?

i go to church,
pray,
and give gratitude for the big and small things.
i could understand if i was out here being evil and karma was out to get me.
believe or not,
i choose kindness over being a feral bitch 98% of the time.
am i supposed to sign some celestial contract in blood?
the wild part is if that was the case,
i’d be living like a king.
it’s moments like this where the whole “God thing” feels…

I’ve had beef with God for a minute.

okay,
maybe more than a minute.
like,
a solid two-year feud.
blame it on what the church villagers were telling me:

“God is testing you.”
“God gives you what you can handle.”
“God’s just seeing if you’re worthy of a breakthrough.”

sure,
it sounds poetic,
but it felt like spiritual gaslighting.

Why would a loving God dish out trauma like it’s a rite of passage?
Why the hoops?
Why the pain?

if i’ve already proven myself,
why keep testing me?
it felt like cosmic abuse with only my name on it.
i was ready to give up on God because i’ve seen tired.
i’ve been stuck in this loop,
playing by the rules,
yet running in circles.
this past sunday,
sarah jakes-roberts dropped a gem in her sermon that hit me like a plot twist…

I had to wonder:
Have you ever just had to curse God out real stink?
Ugh.

yesterday,
i woke up feeling on top of the forest,
with a perfectly curated plan for my week.
by evening,
life threw a curve ball straight to my gut.
naturally,
i did what any rational but slightly unhinged new yawker would do…