why am i always being tested?

Is it God or the devil that tests us?

have you ever wished things came easier like it does for other people?
like,
you had a pretty chill life with minimal bs being throw at you?
i know that’s silly to think that,
but i’m tired of being tested.
better yet…

I’m tired of being tested on things that I already took

i think that’s what disappointing me.
i should know better,
but i fuck up anyway.
i’m starting to think i’m just a fuck up.
it makes me feel like i’m not smart enough to handle being tested.

There goes my mother’s voice in my ear

so there are two vixens that were going through it at work.
their bosses were absolute demons to them and it genuinely hurt me.
i prayed and wrote for their protection in my “gratitude” journal.
it took nothing but a couple weeks before things changed for them.
when i see them,
they look so happy and are glowing now.
heir bosses have started treating them better.
it was such a quick turnaround.
it made me happy to see them out of the torment.
the crazy thing is…

I wrote the same thing for myself and I’m going through absolute hell

i’m getting hit in all angles.
it feels like i’m at my lowest physically,
spiritually,
emotionally,
and mentally.
things are horrible foxhole.
it feels like i have something weighing on my soul that i can’t shake.
i don’t understand why i’m getting tested so hard.
i feel i’m always at the sidelines being tested,
while others are living these amazing lives.
as of late,
my spirit is so broken foxhole.
i’ve been crying,
i have no appetite,
and my anxiety is at it’s peak.
don’t even get me started on missing my parents and star fox.

Is God or the devil trying to destroy me?

i can’t take it anymore.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “why am i always being tested?

  1. I know this may hard to believe but things will get better eventually. Before the rainbow, comes the storm so just hang in there and take everything day by day. A big thing that can influence how we feel is our mindset so how about about you start thinking about the things that are going “right ” in life. Keep focusing on the positive stuff and I guarantee the negative stuff will vanish with time and patience. So yeah, don`t feed into the negativity because you are here for a reason, for something bigger as Beyonce would say!

  2. ‘Fear not little flock, for it is my Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom.’

    I don’t know if it will help in your present frustration, but I think the external circumstances we face are less relevant to God than we sometimes think; that’s not to say God doesn’t care about your circumstances – He surely does – but that His intent is our drawing near in intimacy with Him. If it takes circumstances to get us there, then circumstances it will be, but irrespective of circumstance, God delights in our drawing near to Him, and those who come to Him He ‘will in no wise cast out.’

    I suppose my encouragement, advice, whatever you want to call it is to draw near to the Lord – and He will draw near to you.

  3. Or, because you can handle it, you are being pressurized into a diamond. It may SEEM better on the outside, but not actually be. Their bosses could be passive aggressive now, which is even worse.

    I personally would not leave a job unless people were trying to accuse me of something illegal or reputation-ruining, like being a thief, etc

    Save up for at least until Valentine’s and then maybe it’s time to chuck up the deuces as your resume is being built and Head Huntress can speak on you.

    As far as stressing, something I was told: If you pretend that you can’t control anything, you begin to accept it. Your boss demanding and yelling won’t make things get done quicker. If she wants it to go slower, keep yelling. Shut down and realize she is miserable and projecting her personal life/grief from HER superiors on you.

  4. Hey Jamari, believe me you’re not alone. I feel the exact same way atm with my life and I’m sick of it. I’ve noticed in the last few years I’ve completely changed as a person. I’m always exhausted and bitter af, and generally don’t have the energy to give af about anything anymore. I don’t even have opinions anymore
    I literally just don’t care about shit these days. Just like you I feel like I’ve been living ,my life on the sidelines continuing to take the L while everyone gets to live their lives: relationships, travel, sex, jobs, fun etc. and then these same people turn around and ask me why I have a problem lol while I just have to accept the scraps despite sacrificing and doing what I was told to do all my life: finish school, work during school, save money etc. I did all of that, and I’m still broke, in debt, haven’t travelled, I’m apparently not worthy of any sort of male attention, only able to get jobs I hate like

    idk. I’m just…lost in this world. It doesn’t matter what I do, how hard I try,

    Jamari, I hate that you feel like this. I was so happy for you when you had your moments on TMZ, like that was so dope. You need more of that energy in your life. i have no opinions anymore or advice to give, but just go out an try to get yours J, you deserve it.

  5. My pastor told me something years ago that really hit home. He said your anointing attracts adversity. The greater the trial the greater the purpose is and I agree. I’ve been hit with hurdles but my overall goals are higher than most and what I’m aiming for is on a bigger level than myself. So hold tight you’re built for this

  6. I have witnessed you overcome a lot of obstacles over the years, and you are strong enough to get past any challenges or problems in your way. Maintaining a positive mindset is a pivotal key, and being sure not to develop a defeatist attitude. Life has its ups and downs and everyone goes through tests as they journey through life.

  7. Dont believe what you see. people appear happier on social media than they are in real life. struggles come but remember they always go. When you feel like this be intentional about making a list of good things in and around you ..also take time to love on yourself. do things you enjoy

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