i was taught to fear many things.
hell,
everything.
i grew up in a strict christian household and everything was the enemy.
if you asked anyone in my family when i was a kid,
i was rebellious and a bit of a wild card.
as the years went on,
and i got broken down piece by piece,
i started to get consumed by all kinds of fears.

I’ve always been in fear of God.

i didn’t want to appear disobedient in fear of going to hell or karma.
this last year has literally been from the pits of hell.
every time i think i take 2 steps forward,
i’m pushed down the stairs back into the basement.
i’ve been trying not to question God but it has been hard.
when i woke up this morning,
the other window in my living room fell out.
needless to say,
i blacked the entire fuck out at 6 am and screamed on God…

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU WANT FROM ME?”

…and then afterwards,
i cried so hard.

i have watched God bless others who have hurt me.
i’ve been made to look like a clown.
i’ve been struggling to make ends meet by the skin of my teeth.
people that i thought were friends have ostracized me.
my life has been constant abuse and trauma but yet…

I’m still supposed to be obedient and “do the right thing”.

fuck that and fuck this Christian shit.
all the demons who do wrong are thriving and use his name in vain.
i’m sick of this bullshit.
was i brought here to be made an example for amusement?
am i meant to live in squalor?
am i a category 5 horrible jackal who is getting his karma?
or did my grandmother curse my family with her prayers?
according to the christians,
is he making my life a living hell because i’m gay?

WTF is it???

like,
i don’t know wtf is going on anymore.

Do even get me started on these Christians LYING about this damn “last days” shit.
I grew up hearing that shit and the world is at it’s absolute worst now.

for the first time in my life,
i’m TIRED of feeling fear over a God who seems to have left me.

lowkey: i recognize that i’m blessed than many others.
two things can be true at the same thing.
sometimes,
even three.