“I Keep My Past In My Handy Dandy Man Bag.”

I have been hurt.
I have been done wrong.
I have been a victim.
I have been an enemy.
I have been many things on the downside of life.
But, for whatever reason, I try not  hold onto my past…. anymore.
I try to brush my shoulders off and keep on moving.
Even if something hurts me so bad.

When it comes to dating, I have had my share of hurts.
Hell, I am single now due to partly “giving up to focus on my career“.
It is the Wolves you want that can make you feel so ugly if you are not chosen.
Your low self esteem can beat you senseless…
But I had to wonder even after all the bullshit…

Is it wrong to still see the good in people?

I met him online a couple years ago but,
I remember it like it was yesterday.
He hit me up with no default and it went from there.
We had a wonderful union of chatting back and forth and getting to know each other over texts.
He called me and he had the deepest voice ever.
He had that kind of voice that instantly made you horny.
Ya’ll know what I mean.
He seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me.
He would hit me up every day just to say “sup” and see how my day was.
He was “sick and tired of the games and wanted something real”, he said.
He also revealed to me he was a rapper and very much on the D/L.
Young and kind new, I thought I hit the jackpot.

He wanted to see what I looked like outside of the pictures I sent him.
So we decided to meet that night he asked.
Head over heels, I told him to come see me.
I put on some seats, black T, and some sneakers and waited.
Well, this muthafucka pulled up to my spot in a dark tinted Lincoln Navi.

I got in the car and he looked even better than his picture.
He was slim and had a nice shape up.
He wore all black and I had to admit, he was fresh.
He wanted to come upstairs, but I declined because I was feeling this Wolf.
He said it was cool and that he wanted to get to know me better.
We chatted for a few more minutes and then I got out.
That was the last time I would ever see him.
Those next few days, my self esteem ATE ME THE FUCK UP!

“what did I do?”
“did he think i was ugly?”
“was i feminine?”
“was it because i didn’t let him come upstairs?”
“shit, maybe i should have let him come upstairs.”

I replayed the entire scene in my mind,
looking for clues as to WHY he wouldn’t have called.
Finally after wearing myself thin,
I texted him and asked him how he was.
He texted back and told me sorry he has been busy getting ready to go on the road.
He also realized this lifestyle wasn’t for him and he was getting back with his baby mama.

I think I cried after I read it LOL.
I won’t lie to you guys but a Fox was HURT.
I met the Rapper Wolf of my dreams and I felt he dissed me.
For a long time, that played a part in my not being as open to dating.
It took one incident to change my entire outlook on Wolves.

I notice in this lifestyle, people are jaded.

Wolves think all Foxes are play things.
Foxes think all Wolves are difficult.
Hybrids are just looking for a happy medium.
= UNHAPPINESS.

But we hold onto these hurts and bring them into new relationships and new situations.
We fail to understand that because you experienced one bad example,
doesn’t mean you will experience it again.
We tend to keep these walls up that stop us from being hurt… or doing better next time.

The old adage is “one monkey don’t stop no show…”
But, in this lifestyle, it seems like it does.

I started to wonder on how we hold onto the past…
Why do we allow it to define out future?
Why do we not let go, brush our shoulders off, and try again?
Why do we enjoy the negative?

I started to wonder…

Why do we hold onto past hurts?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

25 thoughts on ““I Keep My Past In My Handy Dandy Man Bag.””

  1. I think we do hold on the the past hurts but its situational. After a break up naturally we may examine the cause and effect of everything that occurred to see if there was a way we could do it better next time. However, we all know that hold on to the past hurts and letting them effect our present and futures isn’t healthy nor will it change what occurred. I think that when something like this occurred we have to make sure that we retained respect for ourselves firstly before we accommodate the wants or needs of others.

  2. I think it’s kinda like a final exam study guide. If you see all your past mistakes you will know what to do to pass the test. I’ve had my share of bad experiences and a few good ones hell we all will. Looking back in it if I knew then what I knew now I would be unstoppable

      1. That’s what u wanted at the time but I bet you’ve meet many that we’re better off. He sounds sexy but remember Jamari what god has planed for you is way better what you’ve been through

        1. ^I agree.
          We look back and say, “coulda woulda shoulda” but you have to ask if God was saving me from something.
          Abuse?
          HIV?
          Cheated on?
          Mentally I dont think I could handle him back then…

  3. Honestly, I can understand why some people are jaded and bitter. You described one incident, but I don’t think one incident makes someone jaded, it’s the same shit time over and over again. The same lines, the same excuses, the same divides. Over and over and over again.

    I mean we can say its the person attracting bad apples and they need to go for something different, but can everyone be doing that?

    I can honestly say it takes a lot more now to get me emotionally invested in anyone than 4 years ago.

    1. ^YUP!!!

      Everyone I meet, I am not too quick to fall.
      I replaced those feelings of “need” and look at them in a sexual way.
      I look at Wolves now as something I need to conquer instead of them conquering me.
      It sounds fucked up but it keeps those feelings of “need” at bay.

      4 years ago,
      you could probably date me, bang me every day, cheat on me… and I would still crawl back to you.

    1. Its a step for all of us but we have to take it day by day bra. I mean if we all held on to our past too long we would all be reclusive and never see the outside world. I take the get F%#>ed up approach hand me a 20 bag and bottle and say fuck it

  4. Some things that happen to us in the past scar us for a life and as much as we want to get over it, we simply can’t. Jamari, that rapper wolf didn’t know what he wanted, he was stuck between a hard place and a rock. That’s a position where people who are confused about their sexuality tend to lie. As you stated, things that happened to us in the past can drag into future relationships and cause havoc. When things like this happen, you have to get up and see your way through, things can only get better.

  5. It makes us tougher.
    I carry my hurt with me. It reminds me to protect myself and to be dismissive when I need to be. I’m very much a lover and for some wolves, that’s their cue to move in, get what they can get, and move out. I call them thieves. They come in and rob you of all the love you have to give.

    It never fails.

    You come from one bad situation, try to convince yourself not to give up, open yourself up to another, and they do the same shit. I never understood why people were so bitter in their older years until I had really experienced prolonged heartbreak after a series of bad relationships. It turns you off to the whole idea.

    The worst is being a hybrid because you have to be hip to both sides of the game.
    I’m not too bad on the eyes, I’m extremely athletic, and I have the kind of personality that usually draws people to me.
    Foxes see this and want to make me into their ideal wolf. They don’t fall in love with me, they fall in love with how I look.
    Wolves see it and want to conquer me. They want to fit me into whatever box they feel I should fit into. They don’t fall in love with me. They fall in love with the idea.

    So, I’m up a creek either way.
    Currently, I’m on my “I’m not interested in anything that doesn’t have stock options and dividends aka my career,” which is really just lonely Hybrid talk for, “I’m scared to get hurt again and I’m not ready for the bullshit.”

    1. ^we are —>here<—
      trust me Random, we are alike in many ways.
      This is why I am finding joy pursuing my career these days.
      I spent so many years looking for a Wolf.
      I was obsessed.
      Now, I can see a fine Wolf and not be as "ooohhh laa laaa".
      I look at everyone as a human who is capable of hurting me… again.

      Dollar bills and a successful career will never hurt me LOL
      So my question to you is this:
      Can you meet a Fox, fall in love, and not want to be with anyone dominant?
      Can you be the "dominant" one without any urge of being submissive?

  6. JAY :
    Honestly, I can understand why some people are jaded and bitter. You described one incident, but I don’t think one incident makes someone jaded, it’s the same shit time over and over again. The same lines, the same excuses, the same divides. Over and over and over again.
    I mean we can say its the person attracting bad apples and they need to go for something different, but can everyone be doing that?
    I can honestly say it takes a lot more now to get me emotionally invested in anyone than 4 years ago.

    I’m definitely getting there. I’m an emotional person, so I’ll always be emotionally invested. I’ve learned how to hide it though.

    1. I am extremely emotional too, but with age I’ve learned to hide it. I refuse to give anyone the satisfaction of letting them see they hurt me.

  7. One thing about me I’ve noticed is that even though I don’t see love for me, I love seeing other people in love. I’ve never been jealous or envious of that at all. Like sometimes I just find myself observing mutual friends that have gotten together in awe or going through couples facebook pics genuinely happy for them. I’m talking couples that have stood the test of time. I think its a beautiful thing when two people who want the same things and complement each other come together.

  8. Why does this shit have to be so hard. Just met a cool bro last weekend and been having great convo and really feeling each other. Well go figure as Im reading my daily dose of Fox and getting ready to go meet this dude for lunch today he flakes outs and cancels and Im ready to cancel his ass, I know its small but damn you starting off bad. My homeboy told me to just chill and stop being so damn sensitive, but I am so sick of all these rules and hoops we have to jump through in this life. Most dudes you meet just wanna F%CK and not get to know you. I made up my mind no more of that in 2012. I feel that Im destined to be alone in this life because I want to have a few standards. For once I want to be that dude who you would jump through hoops for an worship and never dream of canceling anything with, yeah I had dudes like that about me but they look like a cross between Biggie Smalls and ET. I guess Im gonna chill and give him another chance because he is cute(yeah a brotha is shallow dont judge me- LOL)

    1. I would say give him a chance & not cut him off at the knees for a mistake. Now if you notice a pattern, then chuck the dueces. Stay observant & let him earn your trust, instead of giving it willingly.

  9. #whoisjamarifox :
    ^we are —>here<—
    trust me Random, we are alike in many ways.
    This is why I am finding joy pursuing my career these days.
    I spent so many years looking for a Wolf.
    I was obsessed.
    Now, I can see a fine Wolf and not be as “ooohhh laa laaa”.
    I look at everyone as a human who is capable of hurting me… again.
    Dollar bills and a successful career will never hurt me LOL
    So my question to you is this:
    Can you meet a Fox, fall in love, and not want to be with anyone dominant?
    Can you be the “dominant” one without any urge of being submissive?

    I’m getting to that point. Not quite there yet, but I’m making it.

    And that’s a really good question.
    My attraction to guys has always been the masculinity. The dominance goes along with that.
    Could I be the dominant one? Yeah, because I naturally have an alpha-male type personality. I lead. I don’t follow. But being able to be submissive at times and not always have to take charge is something I fully enjoy.

    I think the expectation that some foxes have is unrealistic. Could I be with one full time? Yeah. If he still had that masculine quality to him.

    But my ideal would be a verse. Even with a top, at some point, I’m gonna want to eat or top. Doesn’t have to be all the time, but I’m gonna have that urge. I wouldn’t care if he presented himself as the top and me as the bottom in the relationship. Just as long as we have the agreement that at times, I’m hittin’ that (or eating it at least), He can keep his title. I don’t want it.

    1. ^Okay see I like this right here…
      I, too, like masculinity.
      You have to look like you will grab me up and tell me shut the fuck up if I get out of line.

      I have only been in “sexual” situations with Hybrids because:

      1) all Hybrids tend to cheat once they bored and they usual cheat with a Wolf
      2) if you ask me to climb onto your back,
      I may have to deck you.
      lol

      But if a Hybrid was willing to be my Wolf and I get him off in “other” ways,
      then I would more than likely deal with him on a romance level.

    2. Random…where did you say you live again? 😉

      You could eat all you want. Now topping? We’d have to talk…or maybe I’d bring in a 3rd & watch you bang him out lol

  10. JAY :
    One thing about me I’ve noticed is that even though I don’t see love for me, I love seeing other people in love. I’ve never been jealous or envious of that at all. Like sometimes I just find myself observing mutual friends that have gotten together in awe or going through couples facebook pics genuinely happy for them. I’m talking couples that have stood the test of time. I think its a beautiful thing when two people who want the same things and complement each other come together.

    I have the same exact feeling. I love seeing people in love. It keeps me hopeful and it’s really good to see that genuine happiness. Won’t lie and say it doesn’t make me want to have the same, but I never get jealous or upset that they have something I don’t.

  11. Hey Jamari–I know that I may be late and all..but …

    First..I think your “Wolf” knew wtf the deal was when he even decided to meet up with you. He figured it would be a nice piece of ass and then on to the next one..maybe even keep you on the side. I don’t buy that whole this lifestyle isn’t for him. That to me, sounds like a scapegoat. You did good boo and I’m proud of you!! Don’t fall for the simpletons.

    As far as why we hold onto our past hurts..it’s natural! It becomes our own defense mechanism..almost like a trigger to make us more alert to the things we may not see when we start to fall again for someone. Basically, it’s our body alarm saying “AYE BITCH…REMEMBER NOW..THE LAST DUDE YOU LET INTO YOUR HOUSE TO JUST WATCH MOVIES, WANTED TO FUCK…KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN!!” ..yanno? It’s just us not wanting to get hurt again so we look for the daily signs and reminders of possible wrong doers who may take our kindness for granted (BELIEVE ME BOO..I am going through it right now..you can check out my blog when u get the moment)..

    BUT
    ..there is hope!!

    I’ve been talking to this dude long distance since May of 2011…we went our separate ways but then got back together in December and have just been texting and talking due to the distance. I had become this cold bitch..on some..if you are not on my level, fuck outta my face. If you can’t communicate right with me..fuck outta my face. And if I got intimate with a dude, “Black Mamba” would come out…deuces!! It was a hit & run for me. Dudes would not last even a week, trying to get to know me because I had been hurt so much (divorced and now a single mother)..so I held onto my past for the longest. But with my new friend, I’ve just realized, I don’t want to be one of those bitches with a house full of cats and no damn man…I can’t continue to let my past hinder my future. So I’ve slowly but surely let my guard down.

    It’s all about who the person is frankly. He reassures me, we communicate on a daily, we talk about any and everything, we debate…we make it work, even with distance involved. You just have to be able to realize that sooner or later, someone is going to really want to get to know you and treat you like the beauty you are..you can’t keep pushing them away.

    Just like your favorite pair of shades, jeans, kicks or even meat – YOU have to know how to pick them!!

    *air kisses*

    Mz.Bambi!!!<333

  12. It’s good to learn from our past, just don’t let it hinder you. Use those lessons in your observations & interactions with people. You can even forgive, yet not forget…cuz then you’ll be in the same situations again.

    I’ve definitely been hurt, and took a while before I even looked at someone romantically because I didn’t want to even try to open up again, but not I just let someone earn my trust & love – I don’t give it blindly and I watch for any signs. I know my good thing is out there for me, though!

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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