i had a conversation with a friend that stuck with me.
she told me how she kept to herself,
never bothered anyone,
but that alone made vixens hate her.
she never understood why as she always stayed to herself.
she is also gay too.
funny,
that was my life too...

i was the quiet and shy kid who dreaded walking into crowded rooms.
in fact,
i skipped the entire 10th grade just to avoid it.
no matter how invisible i tried to be,
i was always singled out,
whispered about,
and never given grace.
it wasn’t like i was the life of the party or the loud one.
i was just…
there.
life showed me exactly what worked tho.

i watched friends who hurt me get sympathy.
i watched my sister’s chaos get excused while i was expected to hold it together.
i watched horrible co-workers stay at jobs while i was let go.
i watched the same people who broke me turn around and uplift someone else.
i watched straight OF scammers get their dick’s sucked for doing the bare minimum.
i watched messy gays stay in the “in” crowd while i was left on the outside.

somewhere along the way,
while those jackals became “heroes“,
i became the villain who didn’t act like a villain.
the more i realized this,
the more closed off i became.
this is why most people don’t truly know me.
they just know i’m reliable,
the shoulder to lean on,
or the one who shows up when no one else does.
the wolves?

I’m the handsome,
sus,
and quiet “question mark” that they can explore their sexuality with.
They know I’ll stay hush about it because I keep my circle small.
I’ve been told that I know how to make people comfortable.

oh!
i know how to be,
like,
A FRIEND?
golly gee!
what a foreign concept!

here’s the thing i have come to realize:

There’s power in that.

it does bring a lot of loneliness and being picked apart unfairly,
there are people who actually see US.
there is power in being the one they whisper about but still gravitate toward.
it can sabotage someone else’s hatred and bring all the sexy males to the yard.
many folks need to get on rih’s socials and show their whole tail for attention,
but i simply need to walk in a room or exist in a space.
i don’t TRY to be the center of attention; i end up being it naturally.

I’m handsome,
talented,
loyal,
funny,
intelligent,
and anointed by God.

once i started healing all the trauma i have,
it all started to make sense.

lowkey: every antagonist i have ever had smoke with was a popular dumb ass.
each one was a spoiled brat who liked to control everyone.
one who hated i got more attention or their man was obsessed with me.
they better be glad i wasn’t a real villain.