i get great emails.
the foxhole is always in constant communicating with me.
if i don’t get back to your message,
please do not take offense!
i was speaking to an foxholer about “him” from my job.
“him whose name shall not be mentioned”.
anyway he showed me this old entry from 2011:
honestly reading those comments helped me find my golden crown again.
thanks to the foxholer who had to refresh my soul drive.
well i was talking to vain,
one of the foxhole vets,
and showed him the entry.
well in a reponse,
he wrote the following…
I have to be real for a second…
How scary though being BACK to this emotional place we were years ago?? Like we keep repeating the same cycle. I read about how Nathan Seven Scott, popular LGBT activist i used to see on youtube killed himself. They pointed out that:
“Another factor weighing heavily on Scott, Hain says, was “that he had no love in his life.” Scott, single for a number of years during and after his time in New York, often expressed his need for a loving life partner. Although he was a well-known figure in the LGBT community, “It just wasn’t there” for Scott in his personal life, Hain observed.”
And that hit me sssooo deeply because i know how that feels. I have been thinking about since yesterday. That is probably my biggest fear. To end up alone. To never have a great love in my life. I was staring at my friend as we were cooking a meal for duty today and i was thinking… That is largely what is driving my interaction with him. I want to pursue that feeling wherever i find it. I dont want to miss out on it by constantly being on the offensive and believing that all men are out to play me and im not allowed to be hopeful. It is so tough sometimes. I tried talking to this with the bestie. Hes actually the one who sent me the story. I explained to him how this hits home because that easily could be me. He told me hes not worried about it and it will come. And for the first time i was real with him. I told him I am a bottom. A dark skin one at that. And that plays a huge role in my experience in the black gay community. I have always known that I am not valued as much and men do not pursue me with as much ferocity as my light skinned counter parts. I know they are less likely to stay around because of internalized beliefs about color. He, the bestie, is a light skinned, tatted, and getting his body together. His experience is completely different and he has no idea what its like for anyone else. He has 1800+ inbox messages on his Jack’d. He is a top and therefore a commodity. He is constantly having boys trying to lock him down. So he never had to think about meeting men. I asked if he knew anything about the privileges afforded to him as a light skinned Black male and he had no idea. Its not his fault. It comes along with the privilege. So these are things i try to block out but they weigh me down. Especially here in this environment. And its so hard not to focus on my reality and To let go of the What is because intellectually i know Im suppose to. But it is not easy. I am definitely trying.
So with that whole conversation back then. It all sounded like… Go with the flow. And if the stream isnt headed to where you want it to go. Dont question it. Get what you can out of it. And try to find a wolf who is secure, doesnt play games, is emotionally available, and commitment oriented. But dont expect a relationship from men who are not overtly gay. Sexuality does not xist on a spectrum. They will not grow to be attracted to you in a way that makes them wanna be with you. Part of me believes this. Parts of me wonders how much of this is based on creating obstacles for ourselves and not believing we can have what we want.
I dont know…
i felt that.
this is why i have fallen for the fantasy these straight wolves.
this is why i was going through heavy motions because of “him”.
then i did this:
look my feelings are real.
they may not be perfect,
but they are real.
as far as i’m concerned,
everyone in this life is looking for someone.
as much as we distract oursleves with our careers,
or trying to be a better person,
we all want the love of another.
regardless if its out to the world or discreet as hell.
love that doesn’t involved being a porn star.
“the love of sex”.
we can become porn stars real quick up in these forests.
we all desire someone and its a possibility we can get caught up in this straight world.
i will not apologize for getting caught up again.
i will apologize to myself for seeing myself as worthless because of it.
that was a big no-no.
i mean i had to wonder…
Are gays satisfied simply fuckin with no destination?
is this what being in this life is all about?
…and wolves will always be “in”.
no offense to my wolves out there but seriously:
you will never know what its like.
if we are whores,
suckin’ dick on command,
then its not enough and we are judged for it.
if we want you to stick around,
and we show feelings,
then its way too much.
if we get tired of gay wolves within the life and a “straight” wolf,
one who may “just be” comes along,
then we are “crazy” for even looking in his direction.
so like wtf do you want from us?
vain finished it off with this:
And “Mikey Kun” in the “Straight wolves you want to smash” post basically is in an identical situation as i am. Lets me know Im not crazy. Hes a lot braver than I am about asking the dude where this is going. I dont like rejection and I know mine is not sexually attracted to me. Or at least thats what I tell myself. We’ve never kissed or anything so maybe thats all the evidence I need? I do agree that due to the lack of quality wolves, many of us are turning to straight men. But perhaps its a survival tactic. Getting emotional nourishment where you can. Anyone who says they are fine with no human contact and is just “doing them” is lying.
sadly i can see why people are killing themselves.
loneliness can make you do crazy things.
lowkey: i know my wolf is out there.
i just have to go through the darkness before i find him.
when will he show up?
well stay tuned.