Ya’ll Seriously Do Not Deserve Me So I’m Done!

do you know when something is over?
are you capable of letting go?
or, are you a glutton for punishment?
do you like the abuse?
is your self worth so low that you will take whatever without realizing you deserve something better?

sometimes we want to return to something in the past.
something that feels comfortable.
maybe even try again because it looked like it has changed.
you thought it was a act of god disguised as a blessing.
… but secretly, it was a nicely wrapped lesson.
i learned my lesson

but sometimes things haven’t changed.
the honeymoon period ended within 2 weeks.
things have gotten way worst.
you are slowly being treated like shit again.
slave like.
you start being lied too again.
promised false dreams.
old ways start to rear its ugly head again.

i closed out the week at my old job.
i made my exit friday evening officially.
nothing has changed.
those mofos are still doing the same shit… but worst.
my old boss started trying to take advantage of me again.
they started getting rid of all the blacks one by one.
i’m not with that shit.

i started feeling the effects of stress.
i was waking up everyday and feeling depressed.
my anxiety started acting up full tilt boogie.
i wasn’t posting as much because i couldn’t focus.
i was depressed because i wasn’t posting.
job started becoming, “my life”.
every employee there was sad and depressed.
scared and walking on egg shells.
i saw fed up but satisfied in people’s eyes.
everyone was happy to see me back,
but asking so many questions.

“why did you come back?”
“you are too good for them jamari.”
“they are going to use you up and spit you out.”

while being there,
i witnessed them fire a co worker.
she worked there for 15 years.
she was faithful.
did as she was told.
followed the rules.
tried to never miss a day.
they let her go because she didn’t smile.

….yes, because she didn’t smile.

i did learn something positive while being there for a month 1/2.
i realized that i need to focus on my business.
ijf and what it can become.
find another job as i work on what i love.
going backwards would not have helped.
it only made me see the lack.
and how strong i have gotten by leaving them.

i had to put the situation like i was in a relationship with a baller wolf.
we broke up because he was an asshole.
he called and i went back.
it started out great,
but slowly but surely,
he went back to his same old ways.
first of all: i wouldn’t have went back to him.
i’m thankful for my co worker reaching out.
but a fox expects bigger and better.
that ain’t it.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

7 thoughts on “Ya’ll Seriously Do Not Deserve Me So I’m Done!”

  1. i know how you feel after working for almost 2 years in a company i was sent home for apparently walking like a homo, like a fool i could not move on i hated the fact that they got away with victimizing me based on something as trivial as my walk that i fought to go back and succeeded and now i am left asking my self why did i want to go back to such a evil institution. But i have come to understand and love myself in the process so i say sometimes you need to go back to get it out your system.

    1. ^they let you go for what?!?!?
      that is ODee.
      you shoulda sue the judgement out their asses.
      ignorant ass mofos.

      but yeah.
      i got my closer and I’m ready to move on.
      going back only made me realize how miserable I was.
      then my old boss was trying to put his work load on me too?
      nawwwww my dude.

  2. Damn Jamari you couldn’t atleast wait until you find another job? It’s kinda hard out there in the Job market especially finding something your skilled/interested in. I wish you the best tho

  3. Jamari, I can say I was shocked you even went back but something in my spirit told me that you would not stay long. I almost went back to a situation were I was so miserable, but I was desperate so I reapplied at my old job after being out of work for awhile. Well it was some mishap that got my application in the wrong pile and it was not processed. I was upset at first, but then I started thinking of all the reasons I left and I realize that God is pushing me in a different direction to step outside of my box and really do something I love, and not take the easy route of something familiar. I have not found out what that is, but somehow I continue to pay my bills an survive until something thats a good fit comes along.

    I think you realize when you were at your lowest point that you can make it and survive, you may not live like you once did but you didnt perish either. Its hard to go back to something that is toxic even if someone promises you its going to get better, because it rarely does. So many of us are scared to step out of the miserable box and find out what we really want to do because we like the security if nothing else these shitty jobs give us, not realizing that they are slowly killing us. I already know that you are going to be fine in whatever you do because at the end of the day you are a survivor. I think its in our Gay genes, we have some extra DNA for stumbles and mishaps, we have to, in order to deal with all these damn men. Glad you got out of there before you were stuck in a worse rut, and Im sure some of your enemies could not wait to pull the rug off from under you a second time around, so happy you did not give them the satisfaction.

  4. Well at least you know, you can never go back to that job. Plus, you walked away knowing what you actually want to do and you are going to focus on that now. I completely understand the whole situation because I’m a very loyal person and I always feel like I’m obligated to do something for friends, family, and work. I feel like loyalty now and days is going to leave you burned because everybody is about themselves and screwing over the next one. I’m trying to get in my Rihanna mindset and give no fucks about anything or anyone.

    1. ^you just explained my new mindset and the concrete forest.
      time to be a little bad this season.
      that means no fucks PERIOD.
      i learned a lot about myself in just a month and a 1/2.

      once you get into that mindset,
      you can grab the world by the balls and achieve ANYTHING.
      fear is adrenaline that wasn’t used correctly.

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