i woke up this morning at 4am in a sweat.
it was kinda hot in my apartment,
because the heat been on “hoe in church with no draws on” level.
i went to sleep naked that night.
i had a funny feeling in the pit my stomach.
something didn’t feel “right”.
i get those feelings often.
i got up and went to check the locks.
i walked throughout the crib to make sure no one was hiding in my closets.
(ha ha ha i already hear the jokes now).
i looked at my mail on my coffee table.
no current or overdue bills.
restaurant ads and junk mail.
my apartment was clean.
i gave a quick thanks to god.
he has provided me so much and i am truly grateful.
i laid on my couch.
what was this feeling i was having?
why was i having it?
i wasn’t use to it.
then it hit me!
i was feeling the effects of “my house was in order”.
i had no drama in my life.
i’m not getting fucked on the regular,
but i don’t have to worry about some bullshit ass wolf.
no struggling to pay bills.
food was in my fridge.
but i was still making it.
i cut off all the dead weight.
i erased a ton of useless contacts in my phone.
so why was i feeling like this?
why was i up at 4am,
and still stripping myself down looking for something wrong?
i started to wonder…
if i am so used to things going completely left field…
Was I actually shocked when things are going right?
couple years ago,
when my life was a mess of question marks,
i always expected something to go wrong.
it usually did.
i knew that around the corner,
something was going to get wallop me with some bullshit.
a massive overdue bill.
fake friend drama.
the wolf i liked didn’t like me back.
my job would throw me a curve ball.
as of late,
i have been happy in all the other areas of my life.
reading a ton of self-help books that have me seeing positive.
this site has also contributed to my happiness.
the biggest one?
i wasn’t thirsty to look for a wolf.
yesterday i saw a fine one who was giving me the impression he was interested,
and even though i didn’t get a number to get that “dih”,
i moved on pretty fast.
he vanished from the prison in my mind he would’ve been trapped in.
very odd for me.
is this growth?
am i going crazy?
i had to wonder about life and drama.
is life all about drama?
is it about something always going wrong to challenge us?
i know people who live for the drama.
their always wrapped up in some UN-neccassary shit.
i also know people who only hang with the wrong people.
i guess they keep them in the “know”,
but then their business is always in out there too.
i don’t want “that”.
i just want to be happy and live like “this”.
the only thing bothering me is how to live like this,
without having to work at a job again?
sooner or later,
i will have to find a job.
is it wrong when i say i’m scorned with going back to one?
there it is.
i guess i found it.
i just exhaled.