i woke up this morning at 4am in a sweat.
it was kinda hot in my apartment,
because the heat been on “hoe in church with no draws on” level.
i went to sleep naked that night.
i had a funny feeling in the pit my stomach.
something didn’t feel “right”.
i get those feelings often.
i got up and went to check the locks.
i walked throughout the crib to make sure no one was hiding in my closets.
(ha ha ha i already hear the jokes now).
i looked at my mail on my coffee table.
no current or overdue bills.
restaurant ads and junk mail.
my apartment was clean.
i gave a quick thanks to god.
he has provided me so much and i am truly grateful.
i laid on my couch.
what was this feeling i was having?
why was i having it?
i wasn’t use to it.
then it hit me!
i was feeling the effects of “my house was in order”.
i had no drama in my life.
i’m not getting fucked on the regular,
but i don’t have to worry about some bullshit ass wolf.
no struggling to pay bills.
food was in my fridge.
but i was still making it.
i cut off all the dead weight.
i erased a ton of useless contacts in my phone.
so why was i feeling like this?
why was i up at 4am,
and still stripping myself down looking for something wrong?
i started to wonder…
if i am so used to things going completely left field…
Was I actually shocked when things are going right?
when you look at your life,
are you satisfied?
do you say to yourself,
“could i be doing more?”
do you look at others and wonder why they are so ahead?
what is it that they are doing that you aren’t?
i often wonder what happens to us?
those who feel stuck,
or completely UN-satisfied.
what will it take for you to be completely happy?
and, are you really working towards that happiness?
have you ever wondered…