The Wheel In The Cage Goes Round and Round (Round and Round)

tumblr_static_a4fcrqd2b7cw0gk80sk8ckoggi’m going through something right now.
my energy level is letting me know that.
i feel so tired,
like i could sleep forever.
i don’t want to do anything.
i know exactly what it is…

i would love to quit my job.
i won’t,
but i would love to.
everyone in my department is unhappy.
we are all being slowly driven crazy.
i dread going there every single day.
my anxiety has been on 1000.
it got worse once liar liar left.

the job i finally got an interview for,
did so well at and they gushed over my resume,
put me on this hold.
like,
wtf?
now i don’t even know if i want to work there if they call me.
i would,
but that came off like a red flag to me.
i am turned off by how much my time was wasted.
i’ve applied to many places and nothing.
i think maybe because it’s summer and no one is hiring right now.
i don’t know.
all i know is this cannot be my life.
as i’ve been laying down,
i’ve been doing a lot of thinking.
i’m at this place in my life where i’m fighting for my happiness.
i feel like an animal in a cage.
i want to break free and roam around in the wild,
but i have no exact plan on what to do and where to go.
so i’m sitting here,
feeling trapped,
waking up to the same repetition daily.
the things that have a mental hold on me:

job
mi
work wolf
chasing this career

…and how at the moment,
those things are the main cause of my break downs.
i just want to say “fuck it” and vanish.

cut contacts
quit my job
erase the foxhole
pack my shit
change my name
leave

i hear there is a small town in the midwest looking for a bartender.
…and wake up.

tumblr_inline_nraafcjSUA1sm1i1x_500as fun as that sounds,
i know that will be temporary.
i’ll be running to escape my problems,
but it seems better than being stuck in quick sand.

lowkey: i feel like i made a wrong turn in life and now i’m lost.
“did i make some mistakes?”
“can i turn my life around?”
“am i doomed to this?”
i’ve been asking myself that.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “The Wheel In The Cage Goes Round and Round (Round and Round)

  1. Depression is something isn’t it? I found this post on Tumblr a few weeks ago and it really spoke to me:

    “Why do people never talk about the part of depression when you just don’t want anything anymore? Everybody talks about when it hurts like hell, when you cry, when you cut, when you take drugs, when you break down. But no one ever talks about when you just lay down in your room, with a hole inside of you that you don’t know how to fill, and you don’t want to do anything even the things you usually like. So you just spend your day kinda waiting for it to end. And it’s horrible because you feel empty and guilty for that at the same time.”

    I go in and out of depression, so I understand how you feel. I can only say what works for me in these moments and that is finding a glimmer of sunshine in the midst of the darkness. Even though you may not feel like doing anything, you HAVE to. You like clothes, so get dressed and go to the mall and put together some outfits–even if you don’t buy them. You have an amazing blog–write about something that will make you happy. Watch a great show, go to the movies. JUST DO SOMETHING.

    It’s easy to think about about all the bad stuff going on, but think about the good things, as hard as that may be. Your job sucks right now, but at least you have one. The job hunt is not kind at all and it’s easy to get discouraged, but don’t. Have faith that it’ll work out when it is supposed to work. Figure out the lesson you need to learn from Mi and Work Wolf and move on. The trick to going through tough times is to go through them. Don’t get stuck.

    1. ^OMG THAT QUOTE IS ME ESPECIALLY ABOUT THE HOLE.
      i often feel like people don’t get it.
      they think everyone should be like them.
      anything outside the norm is “weird” or should be “exiled”.
      in truth,
      it is a lot of hurt within that doesn’t seem to get any better.
      i even wonder if things came to pass,
      would it change things?
      one can only hope.
      i hope it gets better for you hammie as well.

    2. This quote is on point. I can relate 100. He’s right Jamari, I’ve been in the stage where even the things you like to do feel pointless and lack meaning but you HAVE TO keep doing these things. It will help to keep you above the quicksand. I’m trying to practice this as well. It’s one of those things you just have to stay on top of.

      You’re making improvements though J, just hang on!

    3. Exactly! My bed and my 900 thread count sheets are my best friend when I’m going through it. I’ll only move to eat.

      I usually treat myself to a movie when it isn’t crowded. Captain America Civil War and Xmen Apocalypse provided the perfect escape for me. I literally forgot about all the bullshit and got lost in the movie.

  2. I soooo feel you all I do is work, eat, and sleep. I don’t know if its the heat or this depression of my life but I don’t have the energy for anything else. But I have hope things will get better for me and you. Like I always say we go brought the dark to make it to the light.

  3. Jamari I know how you feel in way. I deal with depression and anxiety and it’s not easy. I have my good days and bad days, but you have to keep yourself busy. I live alone so when im home sometimes I let a lot of negative thoughts run through my mind. Working out has been my biggest stress reliever, it might sound vain but when I take off my clothes and see how much my body has changed and booty has gotten bigger from squatting it puts a smile on my face lol. Jamari I know your not a big fan of the gym because yes it can be very intimidating when you have no clue what your doing, but youtube videos on how to work machines and investing in a great pre workout to get you through your workout helps. Also the eye candy in the gym is crazy, I guarantee you Jamari that you get in the gym some of those muscle dudes will not mind helping you operate those machines, and hey maybe you can meet a great friend or boyfriend there.

  4. As I read this blog entry, Mary J. Blige’s “Fade Away” started playing in the background. If I can tell you how many times I’ve had to fail, suffer humiliation, lose friends, and return home to see eviction notices on my front door before the rain ended, you’d probably be amazed or frightened depending on your resolved.

    Listen to this and get your cry on if you must.
    https://youtu.be/evN87tga0Fk

    Then listen to this and get your ass out of bed.
    https://youtu.be/FOP0HvD6E_g

    Come on thru lil brother, come on thru 😀

  5. From the sounds of it, you are clearly frustrated. Trust me when I have told you that I have been there. You feel as if you are stuck in a situation and there is no way out, but as people always say it is temporary. A year from now you may be in a whole different place, you never know.

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