i use to carry the burden of always being on all the time.
even when i didn’t,
i did it out of insecurity tbh.
i wanted people in my real to know i was poppin’ too.
i wanted the wolves i liked to know i was still here.
you know what always annoyed me?

When I was on,
people in my real life would neglect my shit.
When I’m off,
those same people were wondering why I’m not posting.
I had people in group chats discussing WHY I wasn’t posting.
Oh he’s probably depressed again,” they said.
They had my number tho…

that use to fuck me up because they were never shy to support others.
people they talked about like trash got a like.
all of those same people are always and still “on” tho.
they have to let everyone know what cool shit they’re getting into.
it use to make me feel like i wasn’t enough but in reality…

They don’t think they’re enough.

the thought of not being “on” literally drives them insane.
they are so caught up in the likes and the applause on their social media.
i admired and even envied them in my past life,
but those are the ones who carry the most burdens tbh.

The ones who don’t want to leave their teens and 20s
The ones who hide behind innocence when they’re really hoes
The ones who are evil but playing “America’s Next Top Christian”

The ones who hate the relationship but keep up with the #relationshipgoals
The ones who have to be filtered with the perfect shot
The ones with the muscles and the #bodygoals
The ones who have to be at every party and on the scene
The ones who let it be known they have money
The ones who have to be with all the celebs and have to say YES to them
The ones who sold their souls for fame and they’re haunted by what they did
The ones who have to make a better sex video than the last on Onlyfans
The ones who are gay but have to maintain “straight” at all times

i know all their burdens because with that life comes the gossip as well.
i’ve always been the f-bi foxhole.
all of those types of people need the most prayers.

They don’t have peace

…and thats sad to me.
i’m out of that rat race and i feel more peaceful now than i’ve ever been.
therapy has me in a whole new bag too.
i’ve made a lane with the foxhole where i don’t have to be on all the time.
i use to be so concerned with the competition and being “the best”,
but i would do my best and it wouldn’t matter to those i wanted to impress.
there is nothing to win except a moment and having to top that moment.
God forbid that no one likes the next moment tho…

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.


  1. I remember right before the pandemic I had so many friends

    Like I went out that March and it was like 20 of us deep walking around the city and hit like 3 bars

    When the pandemic happened and they were asking me to come out and I said nah I’m good bc I wasn’t trying To get sick it’s like they moved on without me .

    Now I don’t even interact with half those people

    It’s because people don’t know how to be friends they want to use u . People use me as a problem solver I’m the one who gives the “fuck that nigga” advice and offers comedic relived but wheres my calming Voice throughout the bs

    That’s why I prefer to be alone it’s sad but you have to be ok with letting go of fake friends especially once you reach 28+

    Bc societally we’re now in a phase where most our female friends have biological clocks and are going to want to breed and now have responsibilities of a family

    Our sisters and female cousins, too.

    I wanna date but I feel out of practice and the fuckery on social media pertaining to gay men has me with an emotional wall up

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