mental homework: (12)

vain left a comment that literally made the world stop.
he left it under:

I’m Not Suckin’ Your Pipe Until You Tell Me I’m Worth Something To You Muthafucka

peep it…


I feel like there is a big disconnect when it comes to primary and secondary values when it comes to yourself and others. Sure, you may have a good career, few sexual partners, and knowledge of our nation’s political system, that does not mean the men you’re interested in care about those things AT ALL. Society tells us in order to be a good partner, you must look good on paper. We sell ourselves to men like we’re going into a job interview. Imagine if a guy came up to you and said “You should be with me because I don’t drink or smoke, I’m funny, I make X amount of money, I have good hair, I dress well, I can draw, and I get along well with other’s.” What about those things makes him a good life partner for you? Do any of those things speak to his ability to be in a relationship with someone else and BE GOOD AT IT? This is how many of us sound when we list off all of our “great qualities” and what “WE” personally feel “SOMEONE ELSE” S-H-O-U-L-D deem as “valuable.”

I also think the biggest thing we’re missing and what hoes and others we deem as “unworthy” do best: Connect with men E-M-O-T-I-O-N-A-L-L-Y. SO THE FUCK WHAT if you have a nice car, speak 3 languages, live in your own apartment, have a steady gym regimen, buy expensive clothes, and can do a backflip in the bedroom? If you are not connecting with men where it count, they well sleep with you, entertain your small talk, and get an ego stroke, but they will not lock you down. They will look at all those things and say “good for you” and keep it moving. Why? Because he’s not connected to you EMOTIONALLY. He does not place you in the “Mean’s Something To me” box and will easily let you go. When men get emotionally attached, they will tattoo your likeness on themselves, call you all the time, do whatever it takes to see you, remember little things that you like, put up with whatever bullshyt you throw at them, and maybe even kill themselves AND/OR you, if you leave them. None of the things most people list under “Reasons Why You Should Fall In Love With Me” have anything to do with what it takes to make that actually happen. If you do not know how to communicate in ways to make him think you’re worth it, if you do not know how to understand how men communicate their feelings, if you do not know how to behave in ways that make men think you are special, if you do not know how men actually become emotionally attached… you’re swimmer’s build, your resume, your choice in bath soaps, and ability to put finger to keyboard mean absolutely nothing in realm of dating, love, and relationships.


this was a very well put together comment.
i agree with it,
but to an extent.

i feel like…
meeting men these days is luck.
the online world has us brainwashed into thinking:
george hill,
steven beck,
and others are the “standard” wolf.
we start competing with others to get “this kind on wolf” because he is “in”.
it is trendy.
they looking at what is trendy for them.
so they moreso look at the foxes/hybrids/and wolves who are just as popular as them.

i guarantee if you they got down and you met them in an intimate setting,
like a game night or a small get together,
they would probably be interested.
there is no competeion in that room,
you look fuckin fly,
and your personality is on 20,000.
they are seeing you for who you are and what you are about.
it can’t happen online because every bitch with a hole is throwing it in their direction.
this may sound cocky as hell,
but i bet if i met any of those attention whores at a game night,
i’d get their numbers.
we’d probably be friends or talking to get to know each other.

another thing,
it is CORNY to walk up to a man and tell him “your resume“.
who does that?
this isn’t a job.
quite frankly,
what i do is none of his business unless we are trading stories.
i want to get to know him and see what he is about.
does he have a job?
at that point,
we both need to be impressing each other.
i told you guys in that entry because i was making a point,
but guess what?
i take all of what i’ve done and it gives me confidence to know what i’m worth.
fuckin’ around with pookie and jailbird #65 because i decided to drop my worth and go on emotional connection.
deal breaker.
you always go into meeting anyone with connecting with them on a HIGHER emotional level,
but you always know you can do better and deserve better.
if you don’t hold some sort of standard for yourself,
you are nothing but a hole to be fucked.
assholes stretch.
assholes die.

chat sites, clubs, and social networks:
you will not meet a quality man because the priors are not aligned.
how can you?
you are showing your muscles and your ass.
no one cares to get to know you,
they just want a piece.
the connection s built on lust.
unless that is what you want.

the biggest issue is:

you gotta meet people who will put you in those private events
that will allow you to meet wolves/hybrids/and foxes.
…and not talking so fuckin’ much.

that is my issue.
so you better have a worth and know how to play the game in the process.
fuck around and have your ass up on xtube trying to be emotionally connected to some dickhead.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

36 thoughts on “mental homework: (12)”

  1. I love this post and the comments… I am very popular in my social scenes, but trying to meet guys (online) makes me feel desperate and dweeb ish… I agree with Foxi… Walking around I get guys attention and chatting with a guy one on one I get farther than online… But I seem to always have to make the first move in public, and in the sense of not having the best gaydar or even wanting to a chance of hollering to someone that unsure of their own preference, are all of my downfalls… So I am stuck online or going to NY parties in search of a brotherly connection… I know I am a great guy that should be able to bump into a great guy, but that’s quite fairy tale esque… I love Ursovain’s post and I learn that I need to probably put out their more of what I want in building a friendship and / or relationship as oppose to my resume lol

  2. This is a very interesting entry. I like what everyone brought to the table. Made me put my thinking cap on.

  3. I need to have a deep emotional connection with someone before I have a sexual relationship. The emotional connection is built up through conversation and friendship — the other person has to be stimulating and interesting to me, and vice versa. If there is a mutual sexual attraction and we are both available, then a sexual relationship may follow, otherwise we will remain friends.

    I have no real interest in casual sexual relationships or one-night stands, even when a guy is very attractive. I’m VERY monogamous. It doesn’t really matter to me if the other guy has a career, money, a glamorous lifestyle, etc. It’s not like I’m picking the best-looking melon at a supermarket. The only requirement is a deep emotional attachment that is mutual and founded on love, and mutual sexual attraction in order for things to happen.

  4. @Jamari: You basically have to walk that fine line between developing an emotional connection and being flirtatious enough to make sure they still want to hump your leg on site.

  5. Who are these hoes and what are they winning, exactly? Anyone can chime in. Give an example.

    Dudes like Hoe Buddens, Dos-Tres, and any light bright Instagram model are not prizes.

    Trying to figure out exactly what type of men yall are trying emotionally connect with and why, since a lot of people are just trying to reach orgasm or stimulate their bank accounts.

      1. But…but..but…good looking man dick has never been hard to get—especially if you are a hoe. That’s the kinda the point, n’est-ce pas?

        Since when does a person have to be emotionally connected to do some hoe shit or get some penis?

        Yall still in the fairytales and rainbow stage, the main thing in your mind should be “Are we fucking or what AND is he gonna be a problem?” cause that’s what dude is thinking about.

        Everything else you are kidding yourself, getting attached, or ending up frustrated.

        Stop confusing fucking and being in a relationship; hoes get fucked, they are not in stable relationships. Can’t think of one that is.

  6. Fuck it, I’ll be single…as long as I’m the finest single person in the room.

    I mean like “don’t let your dude go in the restroom by himself with me” fine. Lol

  7. All of this making my damn head hurt honestly. I literally want to get in the fetal position and hide under a blanket.

    You have to look appealing to get their attention, then you have to be interesting enough to keep it, but you also have a relatively short window of time to connect emotionally to a rather large population of emotionally unavailable men. If you fail, you’re back at square one. All of this is assuming you’re an outgoing, approachable, open person.

    This shit right here is why I’m awkward around people.

      1. Yep. You have to have the right combination to unlock these guys and a sprinkle of luck. No a spoon full of luck. lol

      2. i think luck takes out the personal element that comes with anything that takes effort. No, there are not a plethora of available, quality men out there. But there still needs to be an understanding of how to go about making connections. Thats something a lot of us are struggling with. We barely speak to each other as it is and then wonder why theres no one around. Telling ourselves that what we believe makes is valuable to someone else without first recognizing what they’re actually looking for is a mistake that most of us continue to make. Focusing on winning the attention of superficial, emotionally unavailable, and overall poor quality is not the way to go either.

    1. I think its a culmination of true loving yourself and being able to open up with others, positivity about life in general, being ready, and patience.

  8. I’m I agree somewhat with this statement except connecting with the man emotional yeah you do an emotional connection but that’s not the end all be all. Emotions change as quick as the weather so being strictly on that is a problem b/c it’s those type of relationship that will have you strung out and making a fool of yourself. I think in order to order to be in a successful relationship you need to have that solid résumé as well as the physical and emotional attachments. Look at couples like Barack and Michelle, Will and Jada, Jay-Z and Beyonce, Courtney and Angela, etc. it works b/c both people in the relationship bring something VALUABLE to the relationship and are able to be independent from the other.

    1. Again, no one said you need to focus on emotional connections alone. You still need to be able to support yourself. However, what i am saying is if you focus on being successful as the reason why you are loveable and worthy of being fallen for, you will continue to make superficial connections and not get to the point where men will put a ring on it. Ask your local successful, single black women if their house, career, job, and car has brought them any closer to marraige and long term commitment.

  9. You missed my point in the first paragraph. Its not about LITERALLY spitting your resume to him, its saying to yourself ‘Quality men should be into me and deem me as worthy because i possess X,Y, and Z and they look good on paper.’ Everytime you repeat to yourself all the things that you believe give you confidence and self worth, that is what you are communicating as reasons to fall in love woth you. We spend so much time looking good on paper that we dont realize that those things mean nothing when it comes to emotional attatchment. We are confusing secondary characterists ‘income, career, monetary assests, interests, etc’ as primary ones with regards to what it takes to make a man want to make a commitment. So what if you are in these private places, meeting corportate or entertainment types and keeping it all a secret… if you do not know how to communicate and behave and understand communication and behavior thats required for a man to make emotional attachments, you’re simply making superficial connections that fade in and out. You’ll continue to be back to square one wondering why you keep repeating this same cycle. Thats something a lot of us are struggling with. We’ve internalized these beliefs that things we list that are largely monetary and superficial are reasons why men should fall in love with us and STAY in involved and then get confused and wonder why the guys we like dont like us… and why they end up with people we deem as being less worthy. Men, from jailbird, to the accountant, to athlete, to the CEO, to the entertainment artist… connect EMOTIONALLY. So that is where the focus needs to be in the realm men, dating, relationships, and love.

      1. When someone is emotionally involved in you. Your actions and words are things that stimulate that part of himself and he enjoys the sensation it causes.You make him feel things. How is that done? For example: instead of talking about sports and facts and things that are largely superficial. Men hear and discuss and work with facts all day. Instead, discuss how you’re stressed out at work or how going to the gym makes you feel or something in your past that really affected you. It puts him in his feelings and takes him places he doesnt explore. Men are often emotionally unavailable because that is their weakness so they guard themselves. Whenever a guy is all ‘we dont love these hoes’ or ‘fuck bitches’ or whatever, you can guarantee that someone he fell for RIPPED his heart out and he vowed to never let it happen again.

        1. ^i thought everyone does this?

          i do this when i meet and talk to guys.
          unless you are completely socially awkward,
          you should be doing that when you meet someone (anyone).

          who is to say a guy even wants you to emotional connect to him?
          sometimes they just want your throat or hole.
          look what happens when females try to emotionally connect and men just want to hit.
          emotional miscommunication.
          i know a couple dudes who were interested in me,
          but every time i tried to get “inside”,
          they would shut me out.
          i have no time for that so i dropped em.
          they liked putting guys through the mental torture.

      2. Actually, not everyone does that. Or does it ways that bring about these connections. Sure, there are men who are emotionally unavailable, commitment phobic, and not interested in being in a relationship. Those are NOT the men you want. Those men in the example you gave most likely communicated that and fysh probably tried to win them over. That comes along with understanding communication and behavior. If you pursue or entertain men who blow hot and cold and only enjoy the chase then of course everytime you communicate that they ‘got you’ that they lose interest and manage down your expectations. It isnt a guarentee that attempting to create emotional connections will work every single time. Its about understanding that in the world of dating men, that is the type connection that keeps them around and not any of the resume building things that we believe make us a good candidate. Because thus far, that has not been the case…

    1. I agree, an emotional attachment is very important. To me an emotional attachment means that a person is connected to you on a mental level, not just a physical. Looks, material objects, and money are not involved in the equation at all. It’s all about what’s on the inside of that person. It’s all about them being there for you, communicating with you on a mental level, making you feel better on your coldest day, and knowing that your are treated differently than anyone one else because you are special. Have y’all ever been with someone that when you see them you full all warm and fuzzy on the inside, that’s the feeling I’m talking about. Someone who makes your heart skip beats and not because they are attractive. You just have to hope that they feel the same too.

    2. I think you explained it best in your relationship guru article Vain…

      I experienced a situation where i was trying to get to know a guy, but I rushed it trying to connect with him on a physical and mental level (going tit-for-tat and shit like that) when he was clearly trying to emotionally connect with me in the beginning (revealing personal info to me that no one would normally reveal to a person they are just getting to know, unless they feel some type of connection with them) but my emotionally unavailable ass blocked that shit out because I wasn’t able to see what ole boy was doing till I done fucked everything up…It was a great life lesson all the same, and I hope the other guys on this site can take what you have said and reflect on it int their respective lives.

      1. That entry was a turning point for me actually, kingpheonix. I had to really reflect on what I had been doing and realized I was making superficial connections with gay men. I didn’t know how to go about getting long lasting connections. I didn’t know that you had to word conversations in ways that would bring about interest. Men connect emotionally so why am I not going about dating in that way? I’ve since switched my tactics and hope to really explore this new way of communicating. It’s worked on straight men so far.

  10. I agree with his comment up until the part about connecting emotionally with men.
    That’s something that’s far easier said than done.

    People who value themselves are less willing to do this because we realize at the end of the, we are all we have and in order for us to survive, we need to survive (marinade on that for a moment).

    Hos don’t have this same care for self-preservation. Taking care of “home” (themselves) is less important to them.

    1. No one said it was easy. That isnt the point. We cannot sit here and say that we posses all of these wondering characteristics (car, career, education, etc) that men should be interested in and then wonder why they arent and continue to believe that they should be because those characterists that we personally deem as reasons to fall for us. If ho’s are ‘winning’ and that is who the men we are interested in are ending up with… we need to stop and pay attention to what they are really looking for and what really keeps them around: emotional attachment. Because it isnt anything we’ve been focusing on thus far. That is my overall point.

      1. I don’t believe hos are winning out here because of any emotional attachment. That’s my point.

        I don’t think that is what’s separating them from everyone else.

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