after a long dry spell,
and a few people who came in too fast and disappeared just as quickly,
i’m re-learning how to open up again while being emotionally sore.

on super bowl sunday,
i was invited to a party at this new place i’m in.
i’ve been here about a month now and i’ve started mingling.
well tbh,
people started mingling with me.
one thing about me is:

people want access to me and get comfortable fast.

i don’t know if it’s my energy,
my softness,
or the way i make people feel safe but it happens.

so i met a straight couple downstairs last week,
and after about an hour of talking,
they told me to come through to this party they were having.
honestly?
it was so much fun.
being around new people reminded me of who i am,
how easily i connect,
and how much i enjoy meeting new wolves…
uh,
people.
meeting new people.

after the high has come down,
i find myself paused on all of it at 411am…

i’m feeling cautious about giving myself again.
as much as i make people comfortable,
i’ve learned the hard way that some people take.
people can look good,
shiny,
and face fuckable on the outside:

“until“.

…and yes,
i know this next part sounds unhinged:

what if these people are murderous hyenas,
waiting to set me up?

see?
i can admit my crazy.

that’s what trauma does.
it turns curiosity into caution; connection into calculation.
so now i wonder:

when you’ve been hurt enough times,
are you more guarded…
or just wiser?

life is built on connecting with others,
but when so many of yours have fallen apart lately,
you start questioning who deserves access to you.
i’ve been:

the good worker.
the good friend.
the good gay someone wanted to explore their curiosity with...
“until“.

…i’m tired of that “until” shit.
they moved on and i’m left wondering if i was ever “the good one”.

when does caution stop being protection and start being a wall?