“you have had a hard life.”

my uncle said that to me during a recent catch-up.
for once,
i felt seen by a grown adult in my family.
some of my other family members ignores their trauma with religion.
i think it’s easier for him because he watched from the outside.
my mother and him were the rebellious ones; they bounced.
they didn’t stay to deal with what we dealt with.
something clicked after he said it because my whole life,
i’ve been yearning for an easier and softer life.
i think i’ve been lucky,
but luck always came wrapped in bullshit.
on top of that:

i had my own hurt slowing me down.

right now,
i’m being forced to process something from when i was 7 or 8.
a moment that unlocked everything…

unworthiness
abandonment
comparison
bullying
struggling with my sexuality

i was a kid carrying heavy burdens,
while watching other kids be treated gently including those in my family,
even going as to be compared to them.
when i finally said how much it affected me,
i was told:

“i get it but they loved you.
they were only treating you the way they were raised.
just know,
they loved you tremendously!”

yeah,
and that kind of love fucked me up.
it shaped how i saw love,
how i wanted love,
and how i learned what love is not.
i was attracted to wolves who reminded me of that kind of love.
now i’m in a whole new forest,
trying to figure myself out,
and somehow i feel more emotionally scrambled than ever.
i’m tired of living with the voice that says:

“you should’ve done more.
you could’ve been further.
you wasted time just surviving.”

like i wasn’t busy carrying shit most people never had to touch.
so it makes me wonder:

who am i without survival mode?

…and will i ever get to be held by life instead of wrestling with it?