“you have had a hard life.”

my uncle said that to me during a recent catch-up.
for once,
i felt seen by a grown adult in my family.
some of my other family members ignores their trauma with religion.
i think it’s easier for him because he watched from the outside.
my mother and him were the rebellious ones; they bounced.
they didn’t stay to deal with what we dealt with.
something clicked after he said it because my whole life,
i’ve been yearning for an easier and softer life.
i think i’ve been lucky,
but luck always came wrapped in bullshit.
on top of that:

i had my own hurt slowing me down.

right now,
i’m being forced to process something from when i was 7 or 8.
a moment that unlocked everything…

What do you do when the forests feels too loud,
too fast,
and too unfamiliar to your pain?

for about two and a half years,
maybe three,
i isolated.
i was dealing with…

i’ve said it before but i hated my voice growing up.
along with hating my voice,
i hated my whole being as well.
i was always being picked on for something,
either at home or at school.
i highlighted and enhanced everything i thought was wrong with me.
i wasn’t like the other boys…

Uber-Masculine
Played sports
Playing “20 minutes of heaven inside her coochie”
Fathers being proud of them

i had a high voice,
had feminine mannerisms,
many would consider “soft”,
and my father was slowly evolving into the bitter betty pokemon.
i did love track and field and could run like black beauty.
in an “a-ha” moment today,
i realized something about all the things i “hated” about myself.
all of those things i thought were “wrong” with me…

Continue reading “i’m not my voice” →

i will never forget being a cub and going out with my father one day.
i had to be about 8 or 9.
i was very shy growing up.
i literally only spoke when spoken too.
my father brought me to show me off to one of his friends.
it was some older males and one older vixen.
i remember i was sitting in the front seat of his car.
i was literally just sitting there.
this older male looks at me and says:

“________,
your son is soft.
he real soft.”

i will never forget…

Continue reading “jamari fox is soft” →

the foxhole’s favorite cheek-ologist sent me something to share with the foxhole.
i love him for all that he does.

here is the cheeky goodness he wants you all to enjoy…

Continue reading “WOLF MEAT: F-BI CHEEKS SUBMISSION (163)” →

there is a new magazine about to hit the foxhole news stands.
only for my wolves and hybrids tho.
issue with my foxes, i’m sure.
but it’s a real page turner…
although i feel like the wolves and hybrids won’t get past the magazine cover…

Continue reading “WOLF MEAT (114)” →