f0x asks… (9)

I was going to type up an entry, but I had a sudden question pop over me.
I had so many directions that I said “fuck it” and kept it short…

I notice that with lesbians, they are quick to hop into a relationship.
They practically meet Monday and by Wednesday, they have house keys.
By Sunday, they are married with some sort of animal they call their child.

But is it different for men?..
Can a Wolf and a Fox meet and just know they were meant for each other?
Or, are we just doomed to a life of one night stands and one woman men?
And do we have to sow our wild oats before we want to settle down?
Does that “meant to be with each other” have a look?
Or, is it sex first and we will discuss future plans later?

When it comes to men and relationships…
Like that new Rihanna song…

Can we find love in a hopeless place?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

38 thoughts on “f0x asks… (9)”

  1. its posible jamari you just have to look in the right places. nine times out of ten we are looking for that next nutt but when we meet someone we worry if thats all they want. if you notice older foxes and wolves dont go through all this just our generation.

  2. I don’t know the answer to your question. This one dude told me that all the steady long term couples move to the suburbs. I live in the suburbs and I see nothing of the sort, just the occasional two blk dudes who look too close to be just friends in the grocery store at midnight.

    I see a whole lot of dudes older than us doing the same shit we do now,the only difference is they become more selective and have to balance a more demanding career.

  3. JAY :
    I see a whole lot of dudes older than us doing the same shit we do now,the only difference is they become more selective and have to balance a more demanding career.

    That’s pretty much what i was going to say.

    But we keep trying and hoping. One of us has to reach that point with someone, right?

    1. What? We agree on something? Wow! lol

      Im just saying I want to at least see an successful instance of guys moving in together w/o it ending like an episode of Cheaters.

      1. Lol yes, we agree on a few things.

        For me, i just want to see more honesty and holding more of these men at their word at least. I don’t see too much of that so we’re left with a bunch of cheaters, liars, and men who will drag you along or come in and out of your life when it suits them. I see a ton of older men still going through what we’re going through. The extent to which that has to do with their poor dating habits or emotional unavailability or commitment phobia.. or all three… is debatable.

  4. UrSoVain :
    Lol yes, we agree on a few things.
    For me, i just want to see more honesty and holding more of these men at their word at least. I don’t see too much of that so we’re left with a bunch of cheaters, liars, and men who will drag you along or come in and out of your life when it suits them. I see a ton of older men still going through what we’re going through. The extent to which that has to do with their poor dating habits or emotional unavailability or commitment phobia.. or all three… is debatable.

    I’ll say it. A lotmore of older dudes are more desperate and likely to be clingy
    . Im currently screening calls from a dude that is way too old to be calling me 10x a day. Take a hint.

      1. Hmmm. My theory is as we get older, regardless of how confident we are, our stock appearance wise goes down and we become the victims of the superficial values we let dictate our lives when we’re young . I think of it as life’s way of evening the playing field because you have men who look better in their 30’s than they did in their 20’s and men who have grown into their looks.

        Basically, the shit hits the fan later on in life because the possibility you could die alone is right there.

        Just imagine being in your 40s and seeing a dude equivalent to Devin Thomas. You could’ve pulled him easily 15 years ago but now you really don’t have anything to offer him but money.

  5. JAY :
    Just imagine being in your 40s and seeing a dude equivalent to Devin Thomas. You could’ve pulled him easily 15 years ago but now you really don’t have anything to offer him but money.

    I think we tell ourselves that without looking back at that time and accurately remembering that the Devin Thomas’ of the world weren’t checking for us back then either. Always assuming that things were better, or will get better, than what they are presently.

    1. Well most people tend to have an inflated view of themselves in their youth. Usually if someone is young and hoping they’ll be able to pull a 10 dude someday they are/ will take some steps to improve themselves in the immediate future, not in a new decade or so.

      1. So should we be seeking out these older men who are eager instead of these emotionally distant and unavailable youngin’s who don’t know what they want who minds we try to change?

        The answer seems obvious.

  6. Well well another topic I’m passionate about. Yes men do the same thing actually. You’d always hear two gay guys have meeting on Monday, moved together by Wednesday and arguing over who gets the yorkshire terrier they’ve adopted on the following Monday once they’ve broken up.

    I had to stop and ask myself when I recently started (and again deleted) a profile on ONE OF “THOSE” sites; “why are ALL of the same dudes from three years ago still on here?! Even the fine ones. Does no one end up happily in a relationship? Do they WANT to be?”

    I think gay me have very few examples of what a healthy relationship looks like. What a gay relationship can be, that there are just as many possibilities as one of hetero nature. Then again I see a lot of male gay couples in open relationships and wonder if commitment is something the general gay population is interested in. In a lifestlye dominated and driven by sex and vanity, maybe its not?

    women naturally I think have the desire to “nest” and want stability (which is why they usually drive the direction of a hetero relationship and the guy just decides whether he’s ok with ging for the ride) so it doesn’t surprise me to see more women boo’d up. We’re too busy looking for the next best thing. BUT there are exceptions to every rule, I’m finding as I’ve been meeting a lot more level headed guys lately and I think its totally possible but maybe not the most popular for two men to be in a healthy LTR. It just takes two of the right type of men and we’re rare.

    1. I don’t know if not having good examples of what gay relationships look like is the issue. I think we have a general idea of what they look like. I think we don’t know ourselves enough to recognize our dating patterns as well as being able to articulate what we really want. These open-relationship couples, to me, are not a good example of what it is to be in a relationship. This need to continue to sleep with others outside of someone whom you’re committed with speaks to something deeper to me.

      I can’t say for sure if I’m looking for ‘the next best thing’ though. I have an idea of what i want and I’m just waiting until i find it (or it finds me). If you engage with men in the right way you’ll discover that we’re all essentially looking for the same things. At least in theory. But do these words match their actions? I’m not sure but we give them a chance to prove us right or wrong.

      I don’t want to believe that me wanting to be committed to someone i’m attracted to who also shares the same values… puts me in the extreme minority.

  7. JAY :
    FATC makes a point, a lot of men don’t even see a relationship as being possible so why even try or desire one?

    Because when people say they don’t believe a relationships atr possible, what they really mean is they dont believe a relationship is possible FOR THEM. So they seek out men who confirm these beliefs and bypass ones who would challenge this belief.

    1. Ill challenge that. So you’re saying being thein eternal optimist will some how repel the men who perpetuate the idea men can’t be monogamous?

      1. I’m saying that if you believe that you are worthy of a monogamous relationship and have healthy dating habits will lead you to recognizing the behaviors of men who are prone to cheating and thus avoiding getting serious with them in the first place. You can’t necessarily repel them but you can keep from allowing them into your life.

  8. Having dating habits suggests dating takes place.

    Meeting a dude online and meeting him for the firt time at his place or vice versa isn’t a date..more of a hookup that never came to fruition at best.

  9. When you have a lifestyle that tends to focus on the superficial (apperance) & sex, it’s not surprising that gay men aren’t as quick to settle down…and that those that do often play around or have an open relationship. I think it parallels het boys too, because they’re just as flighty – unless the woman puts her foot down.

    Women are naturally nuturing, so if you put two women together it multiplies – just like two guys together can multiply the good (or bad) in us. Yes, there are dudes out there in monogamous relationships, so of course it’s possible.

  10. I agree with YBW, Jay, and FATC. I believe that the lifestyle is sooo lost in what reality is. And like Jamari says, the wolves always want you to come over, but that’s kool too. I believe building something is about give and take. I don’t mind coming over, but I won’t be sleeping with you and no funny business. I mean it been working for me, and I’ve meet some nice wolves but what always stop us from making it official is what Vain said you don’t know how to communicate what they want, or are looking for or like you all said fear the commitment.

  11. #whoisjamarifox :
    ^but Wolves never want to “go out” Jay.
    they always want to come over or you go to them…

    I don’t know why but im realizing more and more how true that is. It’s usually “come to my place or i can go to yours” as opposed to wanting to go out somewhere. Like Nerd I’ve come to understand this and will compromise. Typically they tend to wanna get touchy and i’m left wondering if i made a mistake by coming over?

    1. Probably because they’re not out or comfortable being on a ‘date’ with another dude. Especially if they feel the dude is a little fem or don’t know how he carries himself. And they may want to be affectionate (not sex), and don’t wanna do it in public. ‘Butch queen’ wolves are likely out so they don’t care.

      And honestly, i don’t know if people really know how to date & court today anyway…

      1. I do believe they wanna be affectionate. That’s usually the case, sex isn’t always on the agenda. But i dont feel as though they don’t know how to date when there are so many examples of it on television. I think we’ve normalized the “come over and chill” and now that has become the “dinner and a movie” date. I would like to spend time with someone, we don’t have to go out to some fancy restaurant.. I just don’t want dates 1 through 5 to be on your couch.

        So what do we do?

  12. UrSoVain :I do believe they wanna be affectionate. That’s usually the case, sex isn’t always on the agenda. But i dont feel as though they don’t know how to date when there are so many examples of it on television. I think we’ve normalized the “come over and chill” and now that has become the “dinner and a movie” date. I would like to spend time with someone, we don’t have to go out to some fancy restaurant.. I just don’t want dates 1 through 5 to be on your couch.
    So what do we do?

    lol – How bout just tell him what you just said? In whatever way you need to paraphrase. Babe, let’s go out tonight, there’s this place over in _____ that I’ve been dying to try. How about it?

    No one says you can’t make suggestions or even take the lead every now & then *shrug*

    1. I’ve tried that though. And often times they go cold. Its like once more is expected of them they sort of turn off. I realize this means they weren’t that interested and they should be let go and so on. But this “couch date” has pretty much become the standard. Mostly with the younger crowd. Older men won’t hesitate to take you out I’m noticing. I tell myself that its finances. That perhaps they don’t have enough disposable income with which to take someone on a date. That’s cool. But please communicate that if its the case. Otherwise it just comes off like you’re lazy…

      1. That’s true cuz I don’t mind taking someone out, and I can get creative when need be during times when my funds are low. Pack a picnic lunch and chill in the park. Go watch the planes land & talk. Play mini-golf. Shoot, use a groupon/livingsocial/etc. It doesn’t take a lot of money if you put some effort into it. But then they’re either lazy or uninterested in anything beyond sex…usually

    1. I’m not his type, but appreciate the thought lol. If it does, I’ll be sure to let you live vicariously through me 🙂

  13. Lol I’m definitely not his type and I don’t date.
    I’m too awkward for that.
    How do you know you’re not his type?
    You’re a wolf and you go on dates.
    I’d say that’s a pretty good start.
    I wouldn’t have to live vicariously through you, I’d just wait for some cleverly named blog entry to pop up on Vain’s blog with every. single. detail.
    Lmao.

    1. Lolol – yeah, he would. But primarily cuz i’m bisexual. I already offered to give him some tips on his new city & he never contacted me, so…guess he thought I was tryna fugg *shrug* lol

      1. He would’ve broken your heart anyway. You’d be sitting on the subway looking sad singing Trey Songz “Can’t Be Friends” lol j/k

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