I was sitting on the phone speaking to a good friend of mine last week.
You know those kind of friends that you know by the time you hang up,
you will feel inspired and ready to go climb a fuckin’ mountain?
like Oprah usually says,
I had an A-HA moment during said conversation and I got the Epiphany of my life.
One of which made me feel worst.
It is no surprise that gay men can be very insecure.
People, in general, can have fluctuating self esteem issues.
No one is perfect.
But gay/discreet/and DL folks seem to have it worse.
for whatever reason,
I didn’t feel as sexy as I usually do.
I felt SO insecure.
I did not want to leave the house.
I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and wallow in self pity.
Said friend called and had to get up in my ass but,
as we were talking,
I got it….
….and here it goes.
Gay men can suffer from low esteem because this lifestyle is a gigantic guessing game,
especially when you like/want a particular type of man.
You have to ask yourself, ‘Will be like me? Will he want to fuck me? Will he even want to talk to me?”
Discreet men like myself have it worst because we have to decipher signs and all this garbage just to get a clue if the man is gay.
Then you gotta worry if he takes dick, while you are a bottom.
You go on these online sites and you send your picture to a dude you may think is your type and he ends up rejecting you.
Blow to your self esteem and your loneliness.
Then you see some of the ugliest, weeniest, bitchiest niggas with the type niggas YOU WANT!?
What part of the handbook did I miss when I entered this lifestyle?
It is easy for people to say, “Have confidence! Walk with your head up high! Be yourself!”….
But sad to say,
I think that advice only works for straight people.
You can tell a girl to go get her some confidence because when she walks out the door,
a man (whether ugly or fione) will try to holla at her.
Straight men and TOPS are already a step ahead because they are the most dominant and practically the most wanted.
We do that stand tall shit and we come off intimidating.
So, what do we do?
Be fantastic and alone?
Be successful and bitter?
Settle and be unhappy?
or play depressed and try to catch some bait?
Or do we just wait?
I had to ask myself that if Devin Thomas or Trey Songz were to meet me tomorrow,
would they even want me? Like I do them?
Are they straight?
Would they want me to slang this dick of mine?
Granted I am not buff like LL Cool J.
I am not basketball player/super hero masculine.
I am just a bottom.
Or a softer type masculine man that knows his worth…. but does that mutha fucka I want, want to cash me in?