a-ha (lower case)

I was sitting on the phone speaking to a good friend of mine last week.
You know those kind of friends that you know by the time you hang up,
you will feel inspired and ready to go climb a fuckin’ mountain?

Well,
like Oprah usually says,
I had an A-HA moment during said conversation and I got the Epiphany of my life.

One of which made me feel worst.


It is no surprise that gay men can be very insecure.
People, in general, can have fluctuating self esteem issues.
No one is perfect.
But gay/discreet/and DL folks seem to have it worse.

This week,
for whatever reason,
I didn’t feel as sexy as I usually do.
I felt SO insecure.
I did not want to leave the house.
I just wanted to crawl up in a ball and wallow in self pity.

Said friend called and had to get up in my ass but,
as we were talking,
I got it….

….and here it goes.

Gay men can suffer from low esteem because this lifestyle is a gigantic guessing game,
especially when you like/want a particular type of man.
You have to ask yourself, ‘Will be like me? Will he want to fuck me? Will he even want to talk to me?”

Discreet men like myself have it worst because we have to decipher signs and all this garbage just to get a clue if the man is gay.
Then you gotta worry if he takes dick, while you are a bottom.
You go on these online sites and you send your picture to a dude you may think is your type and he ends up rejecting you.
Blow to your self esteem and your loneliness.

Then you see some of the ugliest, weeniest, bitchiest niggas with the type niggas YOU WANT!?
What part of the handbook did I miss when I entered this lifestyle?

It is easy for people to say, “Have confidence! Walk with your head up high! Be yourself!”….
But sad to say,
I think that advice only works for straight people.
You can tell a girl to go get her some confidence because when she walks out the door,
a man (whether ugly or fione) will try to holla at her.


Straight men and TOPS are already a step ahead because they are the most dominant and practically the most wanted.

We do that stand tall shit and we come off intimidating.

So, what do we do?
Be fantastic and alone?
Be successful and bitter?
Settle and be unhappy?
or play depressed and try to catch some bait?

Or do we just wait?

I had to ask myself that if Devin Thomas or Trey Songz were to meet me tomorrow,
would they even want me? Like I do them?
Are they straight?
Would they want me to slang this dick of mine?

Granted I am not buff like LL Cool J.
I am not basketball player/super hero masculine.
I am just a bottom.
Pretty boy.
Or a softer type masculine man that knows his worth…. but does that mutha fucka I want, want to cash me in?

Someone tell me something.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “a-ha (lower case)”

  1. “I think that advice only works for straight people.” Lol hahaha!! That made me laugh. Please believe I know EXACTLY how you feel. Fysh have it a lot easier than we do. I firmly believe that. But i suppose when your self worth gets measured by the amount of men who are trying to get at you… life is going to be hard. We are in a lifestyle where many don’t feel comfortable with themselves so its reflected in our relationships with each other. A lot of men declaring that they’re going to be single forever… when their age still have a 2 in front of it. So what do we do? That’s the big question. They’ll tell you that you’ll find the right person once you stop looking. But at the same time they’ll say that you can’t expect the things you want to fall into your lap. I don’t really know what the right thing to do is. Maybe its to stop chasing after after a certain kind of man? Broadening you’re options as to not rule out something you could possibly find forever with. Or go out and search for him and be the one who does the approaching. But essentially if what you’ve been doing isn’t working… then it would only make sense to try something else.

      1. Haha!! Not necessarily but it would be a change. If you’re unhappy doing w/e it is your doing, switch things up. Try someone who isn’t D/L. Trying find a man in different public places. OR!!! You can just wait…

  2. You’re exactly right, Jamari. This whole lifestyle is a game…and Tops definitely have the advantage. There are four million Bottoms for every Top and Tops rarely want the Long Term Relationship type. I’m screaming “I have a lot more to offer than just ass” and it’s falling on deaf ears.

  3. Ok why everytime I hear you young gay black men speak about other races…you never want to date white men? They like you all just fine. I dont get it. Its not like ure having the best luck in the world with the negroes ….U should be everywhere and learning different cultures and giving a man a chance regardless of his race or nationality. Im not saying you are closed like that Jamari but If you have luck in that area….take ur piece of the pie and run. It’s not often you get a good slice in this life.

  4. J. Fox,

    I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and find it very enjoyable. This is what I wanted to say. When one has a specific type of person they are looking for, they have already dwindled their chances of meeting someone who fits every criteria of that type. With those specifications, there comes longer periods of loneliness, more frustrations and more anger. The previous commenter, UrSoVain, is one that I agree with. Broadening your horizons, as cliche’ as it sounds, is true. Your want and many others for a particular kind of man, with a particular kind of job, making particular kind of money and having a particular kind of body and swagger are hard to come by. Try someone who isn’t DL. Meet someone at the museum. How about someone who isn’t in the industry or an athlete. The “Trey Songz” and “Devin Thomases” of the world are few and far between. A decent man who wants you, cares for you and longs for you are easier to come by than the basketball and music industry types we salivate over. Look for decency in a man. You may be surprised at what you find. I remember the pic of the Best Buy employee you posted. Would you date him? If he provided and gave you all the things your heart truly longs for, would you remain with him and not try to sabotage the possibility? I’ve known people who have sabotaged the possibility of a relationship simply because the man didn’t have a horse dick, 8 feet tall, an ass like a pumpkin, make 6 figures, wash board abs and the like but they complain about not having a relationship or meeting quality people. I am not by an stretch of the imagination saying to settle but don’t turn a brother away because he may not have a 6 pack abs, a big piece or conventionally sexy. The one you least expect could be the one who knows how to sex you into oblivion, rub your feet after you’ve had a long day, kiss you in places you never expected, challenge you in unimaginable ways, hold you when you need it, tell you the truth when you don’t want to hear it, be by your side when you are sick, miss you when you are gone and be even more proud of you and being with you. Brother Fox, that’s what you and all of us deserve!

    1. See this is why I love my Foxes!

      You guys help open my eyes and tell me the truth. Maybe a hard pill to swallow at times, BUT it does get one together. I woke up today feeling open to change and the comments I have received made me think clearly.

  5. J,

    I feel the exact same way at times. And to change that is not so easy to do but “UrSoVain” “DovieLee” n “stormmystique” read it too us plain and simple.

    Nobodies perfect in this life. Sometimes we search far n long for things that we suspect will make us warm inside wen all awhile it was right next too us or inside of us. I’m glad for this post because like you, it opened my eyes as well.

    OH! and niggah yhu need to BBM me!

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