The Flawless Fur of Ugly Animals

tumblr_static_9gpfa9xs8204sg8wo00cs80cg_640_v2it’s funny how certain situations in our lives work.
you think it’s all bad,
but in reality,
it serves as a purpose to show you who you are.
who you really are.
it’s like a mirror.
one that only shows all the flaws underneath your armor.
we like to cover things up with material shit,
or many different distractions,
but being in a shit storm has a way of uncovering everything you kept hidden.
that could be the reason why most of us hide behind selfies and “likes”.
we don’t want to allow ourselves to get naked and get real.

“beyonce ain’t never been weak!
you know she the queen ‘n’ shit…”

this situation with work wolf has me picking myself apart.
i won’t even lie to you.
the day he put me on that silent treatment,
are the days i have spent asking myself so many questions.

“am i a good person?”
“maybe i shouldn’t have …”
“was he tired of me?”
“what did i do wrong?”

“did he use me?”
“who have i been replaced with?”

“was i even a factor in his life?”

it has stirred up so much ugly.
i’ve been having this one particular thought tho.
i just shared with karaoke via text…

“you know, it’s funny. i have been thinking to myself: ‘if i am going through this now, whats going to happen when the wolf punches me in the face? or throws me across the island in our kitchen? will i have the strength to leave? or will i make up excuses as to why he is a good wolf?… and i can say i’ll be hurt, question why he did it, and try to make it work… and that is sad to admit. i don’t like that. at all.”

“always being strong” is the first thing we grab out our closets.
it goes well with the kicks and the accessories.
we put fronts so other animals know we aren’t to be messed with.
it’s the law of the jungle.

only the strong survive

the problem is that situations can arise that reveal just how weak we can be.
sometimes we experience the same tests,
over and over again,
but defeat them so we can add another victory to our belts.
what we forget is we may encounter that same situation,
or a whole new one,
but with a much tougher opponent(s).

sometimes the opponent is standing right with you
sometimes the opponent is in your family
sometimes the opponent is in charge of your 9-5

sometimes the opponent is laying with you at night
sometimes the opponent is someone we just haven’t met yet
sometimes the opponent is all of the above in a “you vs them” match up

i have a lot to work on.
i know this.
you know this.
i’m proud of myself for not hiding behind a crutch to please the world.
i’m sure my site would be more exciting if i was fuckin’ ’n’ suckin’ randoms.
that is not my journey right now.
i think i’m being humbled or prepared.
i’m not sure which.
hiding behind “strength” can only last but for so long.
it happens to the best of us.

pop star “strong” divas UN-raveling through ain’t shit pineapples
rap star “strong” wolves fallin’ victim to attentionistas(or nistos)
baller “strong” wolves different as they are on the field/court/office

it doesn’t matter how “out” you are,
how “masculine” you act,
how “straight” you look,
or how you take and receive in this life.
money or muscles won’t fix it your shit.
all of us have “something(s)”.
the day will come that you’ll have to look in the mirror,
stand alone with no one in your corner,
really see all your ugly,
and finally have to confront those “somethings”.

That will be the the first step to gettin’ real

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…and for those who have already gotten their “national animal wake up call”,
i give you my entire congratulations.

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…now back to house of cards,
the third episode,
i go.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

11 thoughts on “The Flawless Fur of Ugly Animals

  1. Truth speak on it, I too am really getting to know me better I see so many people with friends and I have none , not real so I stay stacking my bread, being the best Leo I can be . I am worth so much more than what I see and if God has ordered it it will come to pass. I had to cut people out my world who were taking from my spirit, w w I feel was taking from your spirit and when all was gone so would he be gone, learn this lesson and when time has healed your wound, you will feel nothing for him but pity. Stay covered and bless others and the same will happen for you , love you always .

    1. ^thanks joe.
      love you as well.

      i had my moments with him,
      but he tried to turn a lot of things around on me.
      i thought i may have been different with him.
      he made me feel like i was.
      hell he told me he would never do me like he does the vixens.
      i should have paid closer attention and get out of la la land.

  2. It’s good to know how truly ugly one can get, that way when the pretty days happen you can appreciate them much more. Even though you’re going through this and figuring out a lot of things on your own I still think it’s possible you should speak to a therapist or a counselor.

  3. Kudos dude! This shows so much personal growth on your part. I feel that every relationship we attract in our lives, whether romantic or not, is a reflection of what we feel about ourselves. Good or bad, they all speak to an underlying belief we have about who we are. Many of these beliefs are cultivated in childhood through the relationships we have with our parents. Until these issues are addressed head on, we will continue to go through the same patterns; at work, at home, or in your family. Once we acknowledge those issues (get real) and put effort in resolving them, then we can start attracting healthy relationships.

  4. You’re making me re-face an ugly demon of mine; confronting my will to make excuses. Asking questions that have to deal with patterns that I pray about; habits that need breaking, strongholds and yolks that need unbinding. Scarily enough, though I’ve had transformations before, I’m not done, much like you Jamari. I’m glad that you’re unveiling though. Maybe your unraveling and testimony will be an inspiration to others.

    Continue to blossom honey.

    1. ^that is very deep angela.

      i hope someone out here is growing with me.
      this site works as a place for me to vent how im feeling and going through.
      it’s not always going to be pretty.
      we are all not always going to be pretty.

  5. Wooow the silent treatment made you feel all of this? Hmm you weren’t kidding about not liking the silent treatment. But I can somewhat relate to the tougher opponent list which is my mom’s sister. Talking to that woman you have to be tough because she’s a fucking bitch, but she’s a fucking bitch who is nice nasty and she makes you feel lower than scum.

    The best way I can describe her is she is exactly like Veronica from The Have and The Have Not, an uppity ass negro who put others down to make herself feel glorious. What y’all don’t know is my mom is Puerto Rican & African American same as her sister, but my mom is more the Puerto Rican side and her sister is more on the African American side for different reasons. However, I can sense the undertone bias, prejudice and shame from my mom’s sister have for us because we’re Puerto Rican plus she never talks about their mom who is Puerto Rican, but she is obsessed with their father. “My father this, my father that” even tho their father was a fucking bastard who was abusive towards my mom.

    But that woman is so obsessed with African Americans like she has the mammy cookie jar o w/e that is, a lot of black chef statues thingy in the kitchen, she only eats collard greens, black eyes peas, hammock etc. Don’t get me wrong I’m glad she loves her African American side, but you don’t have to be a nasty bitch to your Puerto Rican family

    1. ^like you lin,
      we all have our “something”.
      my struggle is not like your struggle,
      but knowing someone else is going through it is comforting.
      too often we see others and see the good things.
      we never know there is bad until it’s too late or they are far too gone to turn back.

  6. J, we all have a lot to work on. I’m struggling myself to leave a relationship that hasn’t benefitted me. Take heart. We all go through this—-asking those same questions. You’re just man enough to put it out here to help us deal. Thanks.

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