I woke up with an Epiphany this morning.
Before I could wipe the cold out my eyes and pop a toothbrush in my mouth,
I was awoken by the sound of my inner voice screaming.
Sounds psycho, I know.
But, I have been feeling somewhat… down and disgusted these last few days.
I have been feeling “tired”, “worried”, and “over it”.
It has been making me sick and throwing up.
Somehow and somewhere, I picked up bad acid reflux or something.
I would rather be in bed sleep than actively doing anything.
And when I had to go somewhere, I wasn’t fully invested.
I must have been hit with some kind of depression that crept on me like a vine.
But, where THE FUCK did it come from?…
I’m actually not sad that I got fired.
Everything happens for a reason.
It happened, it sucked monkey balls, and I started to move on when I entered into the industry.
I got so busy that I really had no time to be “sad”.
I am falling into what I like to call: “Excuses and Re-Exclusive’s Negro Fox” category.
Simple def: I got an excuse for everything and slowly become mentally stagnant.
Even though I go out to great events and meet various people who have pull,
giving my all with connecting with them and being professional,
I am disconnected somewhere within my inner being.
I feel like I am not 100% giving my all.
Things that are due, I procrastinate HEAVY.
I hate it because this isn’t me.
But I will say that lately, I have been feeling my point in the world has a “?” mark.
(I think this is where the disconnect was).
So, when I woke up this morning, I had to recognize all my excuses and slap myself.
This new world I have entered is so different and causes me to always be “on”.
I have never had to do this before.
My life consisted of working a regular 9-5 and then home.
Now, it seems every other night, I am “somewhere“.
Then, the fun part of meeting them and building a solid connection has been a bit hard for me.
My shyness has been holding me back (especially when I do not WANT to be shy).
WELP!
Two tears in a bucket; fuck it.
I have been making a constant effort lately to wake up and smell my own bullshit.
Do you know how much it stinks?
I am always open to change my trifling ways when I feel it is bringing me down, rather than up.
Fuck “The Emancipation of Mimi”.
It is the “The Emancipation of The Werewolf“.
I have been holding myself back in real life AND somewhat on here.
I haven’t been honest.
I really haven’t been speaking up.
I have been edited.
I have been sinking into a role of what I think myself and people will like.
Just falling victim to the “Why and Why Not?” and being it’s simple idiot bitch.
FUCK IT!
FUCK IT RIGHT NOW TO HELL!
I am making a conscious effort to re-invent myself.
Slowly, but progressive.
Best part is, I know a handful in my life changing for the better so I’m not alone.
They are going to be there for me; as I am with them.
PLUS, you all reading will be coming with me on this new journey.
All expenses paid.
I feel like an artist who is coming out with an album and it being “their most honest album/era to date“.
Often followed by an interview with Sway from MTV, surrounded by candles and a baptism.
But I often think: “What was so different than the last?“
I don’t want to ask myself that this go round.
So I’m telling everyone right now:
Go Jamari, doing my self examination period which by the way I have been having for a whole year. I realize that being Gay and Black, I have always hid who I really am to appease others. Str8 people can be lazy, sorry, dirty, and a whole list of negative adjectives which goes on and on, and no one questions their being. I on the other hand, have always had to be better, smarter, polite, hide my true nature and feelings, because I didn’t want the negative hate that comes along with being gay. I have always been the one to turn too in the family and with str8 friends when their is a crisis, or someone needs monetary help. The mysterious one who never revealed their love life or real friends, always ambiguous. You finally hit the wall and say fuck it, I don’t give a fuck what nobody says anymore. I am sad that I can not get none of the time back I have wasted living and pleasing others so they would not be uncomfortable in my gayness. I regret I cant back the relationships I have sabotaged because I didn’t want to get close an someone know my secret. I have gone missing with friends and family who need help because I am tired, and a little resentful of them because I haven’t been able to turn to them to fulfill any of my needs.
Jamari just be your real self and the rest will take care of itself. You might lose some people in the process, but you will gain new ones who respect the real you. This is good advice when dealing with foxes, wolves etc as well, just start out showing them the real you so it wont be no surprises, we have hid so much of ourselves for so long that we often hide who we are to our potential mates; being who they want us to be, instead of who we really are and that’s why we keep failing in love as well.
Free your mind- Free Yourself!!!!!!!
Sometimes we lose ourselves through life and we have find ourselves again, it happens to everybody not just you Jamari. We all have been hurt and depressed at some point, and the people who havent will find out what it’s like to be in that situation eventually. Nothing stays perfect forever. I think I’m going to like this new un-edited Jamari Fox.
Me too!
You make me proud to be a young man of color in this world!! I JUST, had this conversation with a friend last night and questioned them, “when are you gonna give yourself a chance”? I’ve come to believe that I’m my biggest hold back, my biggest hater, my biggest obstacle and stumbling block… I pray on this, I ask god to keep me encouraged, and to give me the strength to live in his will… I’m praying for ya’!!