Monstrous Balls

i had an interesting conversation with my cousin hybrid today.
i’m telling you,
when we get together: epic.
we go IN and i wanted to share a little what we were talking about.
i have been talking in emails with a young cub who ONLY likes down low wolves.
he says that people make him feel bad for his choice….


 i will say it before and i will say it again.
people in this lifestyle can be bullies to one another.
we like abuse.

not the abuse of a plump pipe beating up butt cheeks or the back of our throats.
but the abuse of our opinions and choices in dating, even fucking.
it can be a wear and tear on the self esteem, to be honest.
one that leaves you feeling like you went 20 rounds in the ring and ending in a “tie“.
bad enough straights do it to us every chance they get.
are we too hard on each other?
or, is this just the way “love” goes?
i had to ask…

Can we all just get along?

there is so much squabbling between all sides of the lifestyle.
downlow, discreet, and out.
wolves, hybrids, and foxes.
masculine, in-between, and feminine.
we are all pretty much angry with one another.
we all do not try to understand each other.
we use our “past experiences” to condemn the various clean slates that come into our lives.
as much as we try, we can’t.
people bring their insecurities and lay them down on everyone else like it is some religious code.
but little do they know,
we are all eating at the same table and ordering the same course.
i’ll take the sausage.

i like to compare the lifestyle to a ruler.
on one end there is the down-low section.
the mysterious realm of men who fuck men secretly in araliya’s basement and jack’d accounts.
in the middle is the discreet,
men who are private… enough.
and on the other end are the outs, queens, and feminine men.
no holds barred gay fun!
but if the outs and the down lows only knew how they both were the same.
how much they send their hate filled darts to each other and everyone else…
they would probably shut up next time they judge someone else.
if you hold a mirror up to them, you would see the same reflection.
let’s start with…

the downlows who deliver the most abuse.
they happen to be what all parties want.
a masculine man.
no bells or whistles.
just a shirt and pants.
but, they are stuck in a rut of wanting to be in control.
they want you to bend over twenty times to be what they want you to be.
they call you over for sex and then treat you like some back alley hoe.
the unlucky parties who fall for them become trapped in a vicious verbal tongue lashing.
no one wants to feel like they are “less than” just to be in your presence.
the same presence that could be subject to judgement if it ever got out.
remember: you are still fucking men.
deep down inside,
they are abusing themselves.
insecurity rages on like a wild fire in the california hills.
they want to be looked at as straight,
but their weakness for the same sex is like a scent they cannot avoid.
it leaves them bitter and sometimes evil.
they have no one to talk to,
so they just fuck and fuck until they are all out of fucks.

the queens and trannies never cared because either way,
they got the dick from all parties and went about their merry way to a friday night in chelsea.
the “hold no punches” feminine men and outs… oh, they care.
they try to tell everyone how they should be.
they tell you that you “hate” yourself.
you are less than if you aren’t like them.
to the point they can spend their waking minute outing everyone in their path of destruction.
they are hurt and angry.
no one cares to pay attention to them.
in reality,
and as much as people try to not admit it,
they are regarded to be at the bottom of the totem pole in gay and wider culture.
everyone looks at them like cartoon characters.
vixens use them for their secrets.
straight men are petrified of them.
they end up turning into live cartoon characters and wendy williams.
some become blow up dolls for the same abusers:
secretly, they won’t turn down a fuck from the opposite end of that ruler.
who would?

discreets started becoming insecure because down lows made them hate themselves.
they told them how to carry themselves in public and made them feel less than a man.
the outs and fems tell them they ain’t shit because they won’t pick a side.
if they pick down low, they are liars.
that’s two lethal uppercuts.
after the abuse,
they start to find themselves and become bitter.
they think the down lows, fems, and outs are the the demons of the devil.
they end up alone; searching for someone to love them for them.

it turns out to be a stupid class war.
one because the main issue is everyone is insecure and don’t have the balls to do what they want.
they are also dealing with another person who maybe just as insecure.
everything is either walking on egg shells or not walking bold enough.
we got so much stress outside the lifestyle,
especially if we are black men,
why are we so hard to each other on the inside?
we are all so different and come in so many various packages,
why can’t we all do who and what we want?
if you are attracted to a certain something,
why does it need to be picked apart with mental abuse?
there goes that “a” word again.
then we got people calling each other fags in arguments.
it is all so confusing…

we are all very different on this site.
but this is a silent prejudice in the lifestyle that it got me wondering…

Why does everyone seem to be at war?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

9 thoughts on “Monstrous Balls”

  1. Don’t know about this war thing, but I will say, maybe those that are experiencing this need to stop living a “gay lifestyle” or rejecting a “gay lifestyle” and simply live their best life–without any outside examples for comparison. People tend to compare themselves into a defeated position based on someone else’s assumed life situation. Stop doing that, and play your position.

    Knowing that there is no one else in the known world/universe like you should give you hope, but too many people view this as a negative and cringe with this knowledge.

    If you have been brainwashed to restrict your thoughts, opinions, and actions based on someone else’s reactions to you—commence the brain rinse and get on with your life.

    Really the only reasons why someone wastes time in hating (truly hating, not simply criticizing) you is because they want to be you or they want to do you, literally, raw without a condom. Why else would they waste time on you, when they have a life?

    1. ^the day i had was absolutely hell.
      mentally, i’m drained.
      life is definitely throwing me a bone.

      … but i read this comment,
      sip my green tea in my living room,
      and just smile.
      thank you.

  2. For one, this lifestyle is filled with so many insecure men that’s where most of the hate comes from. I don’t understand why gay and bisexual men are just not comfortable in their own skin. Some of us have been in this lifestyle for years and are still having the same issues that they had since they started participating in this life and that’s sickening and disgusting, I can’t respect a person like that. How is a man going to be gay for 10 years and still hate himself? I feel that this life is not only about fucking men, but I also feel that it’s about loving yourself and growing in the process, and self acceptance is apart of the growth. Yea I understand that a majority of men might be in denial at first, but after a couple of years that denial should turn in to acceptance and it’s no excuse. Face the true fact that your sexuality will never change. We will always be gay or bisexual. Bisexuals may eventually pick a side, but that does not make them straight or gay because the feelings for both sexes will always remain. You can’t go to church and pray it away it doesn’t work like that. The people who said they are healed are lying and should be ashamed of themselves.

    Now when it comes down to the type of men one prefers, I just don’t care. Personally I don’t like down low dudes because I think they are no good and just trouble all the way around, but I can knock men who like them because that is what they like and want and it doesn’t have shit to do with me. No I don’t want to see a man get hurt because he’s messing with the wrong dude, but after I told him not to mess around with the guy and he still goes on and does it then it’s out of my hands. I will just sit back and so my own thing. As long as nobody is putting me through some shit I don’t care.

    1. ^and man comes through with something real and touching.
      great comments guys.
      people are reading this and finding comfort in your words.
      one of them being me.

  3. I started writing something, then I realized I don’t see myself as apart of whatever caste system that exists in gay or heterosexual lifestyles. I don’t mean that in an “I’m above it” or “I’m so unique” kind of way either. Sure I have views similar to both, but I have yet to encounter anyone similar to me.

    I’m sure some will disagree, but I feel like a spectator most of the time.

    Sometimes I wish I fit neatly into some kind of label, just to know what my place is. Being in a grey area all the time sucks.

  4. Jamari, you have wrote many things on your blog that have touched me in some type of way. But I think this may be the best entry you have ever written IMO on this blog. So much truth in what you say. Some days I feel so defeated, and so tired of dealing with all that comes with this lifestyle that I cant anymore, I find myself not even wanting to be around other gay dudes in social settings because of the constant drama, and the ugly way in which we treat one another. Most gay dudes I encounter are so toxic and negative against other gay dudes of color. Its so bad that I have gone missing from the scene and most people I usually keep in contact with. Thank God for this blog and the support I receive from it, in form of the great post you share and the commentary that follows. This blog actually gives me encouragement that there are some progressive brothers who care about their brothers and their well being.

  5. yawn. why are yall heavy on us dl dudes? why do i gotta fuck and give a fuck? too much , plus yall are always after dick after dick, so what’s the phony

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