Killing Myself Would Make The World A Much Better Place.

” Suicide is being selfish.”

I always hear people saying that.
But, what is so selfish about it?
Realistically, the person was thinking of a way out of their pain.
Some people suffer alone in this world with no one to speak too.
All this fronting and faking is the new thing to mask very sad people…
But, at what point does one bring themselves to actually kill themselves?
Does it happen when you just feel so low that you can’t look up?
Or, when something happens that may ruin your reputation that the only way is death?
Is it their way of escaping their pain or embarrassment?
Or, is it really selfish?
I had to ask…

Is life really that hard to bring yourself to suicide?

I read about Junior Seau killing himself today.
I did not expect that coming from an NFL Legend.
It really touched me the way how people really cared about him.
They remembered all the good moments he brought to their lives when he was alive.
He had a ton of fans that are hurting today.
What got me was he sent his wife and kids texts saying “Love U” before he took himself out.
It left me wondering if someone didn’t reach out?
What if he got a call before he pulled the trigger?
If someone actually took the time to tell him he was a blessing on Earth, would have tried a little harder to live?

I use to be suicidal HEAVY.
Back in the day: Oh God, yes!
I am not scared to admit that.
It was the past when I was at my worst.
I was looking for anyway to take myself out the game.
I just felt so sad and so low that nothing made me happy.
I was alone, even though I had people around me.
I wanted a Wolf and felt I was invisible.
I felt like the ugliest person in the entire world.
I missed my parents and wanted to be with them.
I saw myself as a life failure that had no future.
I was also dead broke, spending all the inheritance money, and had bills coming in.
It was my entrance into the real world and I was stripped NAKED at that point.
Some gave a shit about me, but I was looking at the ones who didn’t that I wanted to care.
I tried it all: cutting wrists and swallowing pills.
I wanted a painless way out though.
I can’t jump off something or gun in the mouth.
I would imagine that would hurt… bad. lol
I look back at those days and wondered what would have happened if I did succeed?
This site would never have been created and I would not doing half the things I am doing now.
I didn’t stop to think that no pain lasts that long….

It amazes me how people live in a world where you never know who is suffering.
They may be gorgeous, have money, take the greatest pictures, or have many options
but those things are temporary distractions to a permanent constant pain.
You would be surprised how people you think have it all… are almost ready to give it all up.
I had it all when I was suicidal, and I felt like pure shit.
I may not have had the money, but I had a few people who really loved the shit out of me.
But, all I was thinking was that I wanted a way out and a way out NOW.
On my final suicide attempt,
something happened that made me put the pills back in the bottle and simply just sit on the floor and cry.

I sat here, in the dark, and wondered if suicide can be prevented?
Are some people really that hurt and low that they think death is the answer?
And, is it really the question when you have no more answers left?

I gotta ask you…

Have you ever thought about killing yourself?

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

27 thoughts on “Killing Myself Would Make The World A Much Better Place.”

  1. No, I love myself too much. I’m not self absorbed or anything like that, but I value my life, and everyone else should too. If I were to kill myself, I would hurt many people out there because my family and my friends love me and I have had a significant inpact on their lives, they need me. I have had a rough life in the past, and I kept hope alive and my life improved. At this point all I need is a man and I’ll be set. If it’s any readers out there that are currently having suicidal thoughts, don’t do it. As humans we all are gonna through some shit. You either take the easy way out, or you ride that shit until the wheels fall off. Suicide is for suckaz.

    Damn Jamari, I didn’t know that you were suicidal at one point. I’m glad that you didn’t go through with it.

  2. The thought never crossed my mind. I have always, and still do, have an incredible support system. I am blessed to have parents and a huge family that would do anything for me.

  3. Oh my god have I!!?? To share something with everyone as a young man, in my early twenties, I had a super successful career, and I also became a drug addict.. I had the world in a chokehold, more money than I could spend, and a life that other people my age lusted for… And I blew it. And in realizing what I had done, and what I’d destroyed, I was ready for it to be over, I was tired, and depressed, and there was no amount of love that could pull me from the depths of despair. But for the grace of god, I was given another chance to realize trouble don’t last always

    1. It’s always interesting to hear the stories of others ans how they overcame their circumstances.

  4. Really touchy subject jamari the views on suicide are very fickel. some people feel it is wrong and a sin. while some feel that it is their only way out that they cant take life anymore. I have felt this way many times but i never felt the need to take my own life. usually i just find another outlet to relese my anger and frustration but im not everybody. idk what to tell someone except dont give up and it gets better it may not seem that way but it will

  5. I’ve been depressed (possibly clinically – but never diagnosed), but never thought about taking my life. I’ve had (and have) people in my life who love me & care for me; even when I wasn’t focused on them.

    I think the selfish comes in because you leave behind so many people who care about you & are left with the clean-up & questions…about what they did wrong, what they missed, etc. When you couple it with our (meaning Black people) tendency to dismiss mental health issues and therapy – it’s messy.

    Also some feel it’s selfish/cop-out to remove yourself from the equation instead of facing the pain and dealing with it. It’s just using this terminology doesn’t help the suicidal person…

  6. I did. I was once at an all time low in my life…thinking nobody cared for me, nobody loved me, i didnt fit here or there. I have an entire book of “dark” poetry and thoughts which built up to my thoughts of suicide. Though I’ve never went pass the thinking part…this is real, you never know what someone is going through all by themselves, willingly or not. Brings us back to remembering that regardless of how bad somebody’s attitude is toward you, be nice to them because they are actually battling themselves…not you.

  7. First of all Im in shock about Jr. Seau, I have not turned on TV today or been on the internet, I had no idea, OMG just shocking. I have had thoughts when I was younger, but I am way to scary and a little to self-absorbed to kill my wonderful self. I couldnt fathom the pain, I hurt for others when they die from the hands of others, so I know I could never inflict self-pain on myself. I hope I never go to a place were the only way out is suicide.

  8. Of course the thought has crossed my mind plenty of times. I wonder what my funeral would be like. Who would come. I know all the great things people would say about me. I wondered what pictures they’d use and what they’d think of me as they cleaned out my stuff. I’d never go through with it though. I knew people who have. To feel nothing is a pretty attractive option when all you’ve felt is negative.

    As I got older I began to understand why people kill themselves. For some people, pain and suffering does not make them stronger. It does the opposite. You can only hold on for so long and you’d first need something to hold on to. We don’t realize that depression makes you feel like ur drowning. You want to come back up but you don’t know how. Sometimes its life that gets you down. Other times it’s a chemical imbalance that is out of your control. Either way I think it’s important that we understand things from the other side instead of throwing out words like ‘selfish’

  9. Many times. I go through heavy depression spells, even as a child. I remember coming across my dad’s handgun and being fascinated with the way the steel felt against my temple. My sister walked in and had this horrified look on her face and begged me to put it away. My mom sat me down and told me straight up I was going to hell if I killed myself. For some reason I’ve always felt I would die relatively young though. I think I’m more less curious about how my story ends.

    I’m definitely not scared to die though.

    1. I remember the night my mom found some porn on my computer and she literally kicked down the door and came at me with oils trying to cast the “homosexual demon” out of me. I remember that night I prayed that either God or the Devil would take my life in my sleep.

      A part of me really did die that night too. My path in life isn’t about happiness or knowing unconditional love, so much as how much as how much I can endure. I don’t experience pain, I make it apart of me. Every bad experience, every judgement, every unkind word stays with me. So making it through every day is like a victory to me. I do have anger issues though. I am not to be fucked with…at all. lol

  10. I love myself, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t had some dark, dark, dark days lol. I was thinking today on my way home that a lot of people would have been driven insane by all that I’ve been through. There have been times I wanted it to be a wrap, so I know what if feels like to be suffocating under the burden of your own life. However, I thought of my darling mother, my father, my siblings, my friends…how destroyed they would all be. I also thought about the fact that suicide would be such a horrendous betrayal of the self. It didn’t take away my problems, but it taught me that life, even with all its pain and heartache, is a truly precious thing.

  11. I’m sorry I keep posting but this entry has me confessing.

    My mother had this brother that was gay and he caught HIV from this married, dl dude he was fucking. When his HIV turned into AIDS she took care of him but as soon as he died she trashed everything he owned. EVERYTHING! She said she didn’t want any bad spirits lingering.

    This was right around the time I started messing around and I couldn’t help feeling I would end up the same way. I was fucking around raw like I had a death wish. I think that’s one of the reasons even if I came out as gay I wouldn’t admit it to my mother on my death bed.

  12. I’ve had two failed suicide attempts; was depressed for a solid 7 years starting at age 15. Was raped as a child by a family friend’s son; is one of my first memories. Had to drop out of high school, because history almost repeated itself with a couple of football players. Never hated being gay, but I still don’t fully trust men–probably never will…which is problematic since I am a man. Even though I’m partnered sometimes I feel like I’m sleeping with the enemy. When I was a believer, I didn’t feel suicide was sinful nor did I hate god or thought some god was punishing me. As an atheist I do not feel suicide is a solution to solve problems even though I attempted it a couple of times.

    Today I’m in a good place have been for the last couple of years even though life has been on a downward spiral in general lately–parents’ health, deaths in the family etc.. I get down occasionally, but depression hasn’t visited my life like in the past. I feel I got all my crazy out early on so I don’t have time to check out now or ever again. I can’t afford it. I did seek counseling during the latter part of my depression–cognitive therapy mostly–but I encourage those experiencing depression to seek medical attention and not violence against yourself through sex, drugs, weapons, or the police.

    1. ^it is really amazing the things people go through.
      Reading these made me feel that being “perfect” is an unrealistic idea for life.
      No one is because not everyone shares their story for you to understand.

      Thanks everyone for being honest.

  13. Ive felt like I didnt want to exist anymore but I dont have it in me to take my own life, I would feel ungrateful, that so many ppl get their taken unwillingly, ppl fighter to keep their lives and Im trying to take my own… I just couldnt, not saying Ive never felt down, depressed, misunderstood, alone because I have, and still do sometimes… But honestly taking my life is not an option for me, life is good, even-though we have some trials, life is still good… to wake up and see another day is beyond a blessing, even though it may feel like hell…

  14. the word is that he had a potentially debilitating brain injury from playing football. The only way to test for it is during an autopsy. That’s why he shot himself in the chest (and not the head).

    Another pro football player did the same thing 2 months ago….

  15. JAY :
    Every bad experience, every judgement, every unkind word stays with me.

    Same here. I just roll with the punches.

  16. My heart goes out to you guys; thanks for sharing your stories – hopefully it helped someone else…least of all you 🙂

  17. Reading all of the comments really signifies how you can never tell what a person has been or is going through even if you connect with them every day.

    1. Yes. I agree with you. I went to an event about sexual abuse last week, and the lady that was speaking said that 1 of 6 of LGBT community will commit suicide.

  18. BBB :
    Did she say why?

    Yea, because most of them have been sexually abused, and that’s the reason that they are a part of our community. Many people struggle with their sexuality and it becomes too much for them to handle.

  19. Life can be brutal. I’m surprised that suicide isn’t more common than it is.

    Yes, I’ve attempted suicide on 2-3 occasions by swallowing bottles of pills. In the worst incident, I wound up in the intensive care ward of a hospital, where I remained unconscious for a couple days. The withdrawal symptoms from overdosing on antidepressants are quite unpleasant.

    Afterwards, I entered a rather creative, productive, and peaceful period of my life. Still, I am quite certain that another suicide attempt can (and probably will) happen again.

    1. Don’t say that. Just when you think you’re having it bad, always remember that someone else is going through a lot worse. Do you have anyone that you can confide in when you are having suicidal thoughts?

If you wouldn't say it on live TV with all your family and friends watching, without getting canceled or locked up, don't say it on here. Stay on topic, no SPAM, and keep it respectful. Thanks!

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