my friend said to me over the weekend:

“life is really testing you right now.
you got a big blessing on the way.”

i need blessing with an s.
it felt good to hear but when you’re in it,
it can feel condescending AF.
last week was utter chaos.

a major blowup at the beginning of the week.
a heavy walking on eggshells the middle of the week.
a 10-person sleepover at the end of the week.
a weekend guest over the weekend.
a no real space to breathe all around.

i had an anxiety attack on friday when i saw 10 people trying to squeeze in here,
and then add on top of that…

a puppy.

and as we all know,
puppies are loving and absolute menaces at the same time.
i didn’t ask for a foster dog,
but it chose me so now i’m:

cleaning up pee and poop
feeding on a schedule
crate training
waking up in the middle of the night because its getting into shit
making sure it doesn’t shit where it sleeps

…and yes,
i made the mistake of letting it get comfortable in my bed.
it will whine if i don’t wake up to let it up and whine even more to get off.

i’m tired today.

not just today.
i’ve been tired for the last 3 years tbh.
it’s one thing after the next.
so when everything finally stopped today and it was just me,
a bed,
the dog,
and a rainy day,
i took that as an opportunity to take a day to myself.

when my friend said what they said,
i had to wonder…

are they right?
am i being tested?
is this some kind of patience training?
learning how to live without control?

or…

is God fuckin’ with me?

…because just like the puppy,
i know He’s loving but right now,
He is being a menace in my life.