How Can I Tell My Mama I Seen More Penis Than Fruit of the Loom?

Huxtables-2“you know our child said he likes the sweet taste of penis?
i slapped him into next week.
he should be be back on thursday.”

we all love our parent’s right?
they raised us to be who we are today.
their teachings and guidance effects how we do things now.
yes there are some who raised themselves.
some who are not as close.
you know i feel you heavy,
but this entry goes out to the foxhole whose parents are in their lives.
who they can call up and say, “mom or dad… guess what?…”
the ones who don’t want to disappoint them.
the ones who are scared of them.
i had to ask…

Will you ever tell your parents you are gay?

i got the question from watching this weeks episode of haves and have nots.
yes i am hooked on it and no i don’t care.
on the episode called “angry sex”,
one of the parents found out that her son maybe gay.
in complete and utter shock,
she immediately goes to wherever he is and passive aggressively asks him.
before he could admit it,
she basically told him he is,
no WILL,
get a vixen in his life.
her words:

natural looking black…

that’s what he will like.
that’s what he will find.
that is all her and his father will ever accept.
nothing else.

she came off damn near scary.
possessed even.
i was honestly terrified for him.
she reminded me of those intimidating black mothers.
they almost remind me of “show” mothers.
the ones who expect their child to grow up a certain way.
they plan out every last details of their lives.
funny they never do it…
…or rebel until their private parts fall off.
i had to wonder what would the scene be like if it was his father instead?

tumblr_lnu1dyMh011qb3bwto1_500in this lifestyle,
many of us are living in private,
many don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks,
some are scared of what society thinks,
while others are even more petrified by what our parent’s think.
when being raised christian and hearing “gay is wrong”,
you start to conform yourself into trying to play up what will be acceptable.
don’t even get me started on the carribean families and their culture.
you start to think:

“well if they think this…
society will always think this as well…”

even though some of you are brave and ready to stand on the front line,
many are not and that is okay.
i try not to judge.
i’m sure even if my parents were alive today,
i wouldn’t have told them.
i was raised in a very… judgmental household.
loved them dearly,
but they were.
my mother was the type to check internet caches,
snoop through my things,
and had a million and one questions about damn near everything:

…and how ima smack the caps off yo knees.”

tumblr_llkwux6Rel1qbjav8o1_500i was intimidated.
i can admit.
so i had to ask you…

Is your reasoning for being d/l or discreet based on your upbringing?

don’t be shy.
no judgement here.

x watch the last episode of the havesandhavenots

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

34 thoughts on “How Can I Tell My Mama I Seen More Penis Than Fruit of the Loom?”

  1. So this particular entry struck a nerve with me. Where do I begin?

    I was born and raised in the Caribbean and moved to New York just under two years ago to live with my dad after my mother had died. I lived with my mother for most of my life while my father was abroad. I’m out to just three of my coworkers but I’m not out to any of my family members (on both sides) except my sister. I came out to her September of last year. She already knew that I was gay (even though we spent most of our lives apart) and honestly didn’t treat me any different. I even introduced her to this blog. Now my father and his side of the family is another story.

    Being the eldest son to my father, I think that me coming out to him would bring about a sense of disappointment and shame as it were. He may think that him not being in my life for a significant period of my life probably led to me being gay, which we know that’s not the case. Also, majority of his friends here are from the same country we’re from so the homophobic culture is still very much present. My paternal aunts and uncles are all immigrants as well and very religious. The thought of having a family member that is gay is inconceivable to them. It’s sometimes hurtful to hear the homophobic things that they say not being aware that there is one in their midst.My mother’s side also doesn’t know but they are equally homophobic.

    But I honestly don’t want to hide anymore nor do I intend to. When I visit home in the near future, I will let my family on my mother’s side know. However, if my father or any of my family members asks me outright, I will let them know the truth. My one regret, is that I didn’t get the chance to tell my mother before she died even though she probably had an idea that I am. But, no use crying over spilled milk. I do intend to let my family know eventually.

    Sorry for going on a spiel, but this post really touched me somewhat.

    1. ^this was so deep jake.
      i hope when you do this,
      it leads to a positive outcome.
      please keep us posted.

      to everyone else,
      thank you for sharing your stories.
      they were all really inspirational.
      i couldn’t sleep,
      but i loved reading the comments.
      you never know who else is reading and needs to know they can relate to someone else’s testimony.
      this can be a very lonely lifestyle.
      im glad people can come together in this little tiny realm and just vibe
      and release.

      1. I will be Davon and I know that the climate in the Caribbean can be hostile towards gays but the closet can be a lonely place and I long want to be there. I would much rather them hearing it from me than a news story.

  2. Yet another topic that has touched my heart especially seeing that many of us have such similar stories. I never came out to my family directly, but in a round about way it was brought up when one of my close friends was getting near death with AIDS and my family had been wondering what was going on, so I thought I should tell them so it would not come as a big shock when the end was near. My mom came out and directly asked me and I was too afraid at the time to answer, I just stared into space and said I cant answer that right now, but it was like a burden was lifted and I felt that at least the door was open and it was the beginning on a new relationship and we were going to be ok, she told me that she loved me regardless and we both just cried and didnt say anything. Well my mom died exactly 30 days after we had open up the dialogue to start this conversation. We never brought it up again in those 30 days because I was dealing with my friends situation. I still to this day often wondered what our new relationship would have been like I still regret not coming out sooner and letting my mom get to know the gay me. I was always so afraid of disappointing my parents and I thought the gay son who was the good student and never got into any trouble would bring great shame on the family. I never discussed it with my father after this, but after my mom died we became really close, I knew he knew but I think he didnt want to push me away or make me feel uncomfortable, I had a old boyfriend who unbeknownst to me went to visit him in the hospital when he was sick without telling me, he was a little flamboyant so my nerves were on edge when I found out, my dad never mention a word about it and neither did I. Now both of my parents are gone and I do regret not really opening up to either one. My remaining family never mentions my dating life and I am comfortable with this arrangement. I can blend in and give you man with the best of em, so most of my family either whispers about me or think Im a pussy magnet who gets with many females, I have a couple of hot vixen friends who come to things with me and the family just assumes Im dating them. Its easy in black families because so many of my male cousins are not married, divorced, players etc so as long as you are not flaming its never really brought up.

  3. Hey Jamari,

    After submitting a fox-mail a while ago I told myself I’d contribute more, and it didn’t happen (though…I’m on your blog daily. I’m gonna change that.)

    As far as my family, my parents are divorced. I’m not close with my father, so coming out to him was a bit easier. The only thing we have in common is being apart of the same fraternity. I told him when I was 17, and he seemed indifferent about it, which is okay since he’s not apart of my life.

    My mother? I don’t know, I’m gonna be 24 in a few months and I haven’t built up the courage to tell her. I think she suspects it, but hasn’t ever mentioned it. Se hates that I spent all my waking time with my ex bf/best friend but I think she doesn’t like the idea of me potentially being gay.

    One personal milestone I made last month was telling my sandz/line-brothers about me being gay. My entire chapter doesn’t know (I trust them to keep this to themselves until I feel comfortable) but I feel like that’s a major step. For four years, they’ve been my brothers and confidants and I had to be real with all three of them. My ace took it the hardest, not understanding my preference but my tre and my tail were understanding and weren’t shocked. I’m blessed to have friends who are understanding and didn’t cast that stone. Hopefuly I can get the same from my mom.

    1. you told your sandz you fucked with dudes????????????????????

      *Blank death stare* You can excuse it for the “wild deuce” card. Seriously, your area must be really “understanding”. How do you know your chapter won’t know?People talk…and by extension alum, next thing you are topic at regionals, strolls, agp, conclave.. etc.. You are bold.

      1. Whether my area is understanding or not doesn’t matter to me at this point. I love my chapter and my organization but I also have to be honest with myself and the people in my life. Plus we both know there are DL and Gay people in BGLO’s.

        If my chapter finds out, I’ll be upfront since I’ve made that first step. If people reject it, so be it, but power to those that attempt to understand me or embrace me. I’m an alumni at this point so I have to live for myself while contributing to the chapter and organization in the ways that I can. But I have to be happy man. That comes first.

      2. Oh.. Good luck to u… I know “we” find alum that are openly gay – zesty and yeah act ignorant towards them, I inclusive (as well as a number that’s got a kid, baby mama and gets down) .. I would weigh the costs, frankly only old heads (depends on where you are IMO) might not give a fuck.. Idk if chapters would want to host you in chapter houses .. i know silly, but you should know how ignorant BGLOs can get. Best.

  4. My parents actually have questioned me about it before. My mom is somewhat like who your mom was. I basically can’t do anything without her finding out eventually…lol. I’m a very private person so I really don’t discuss my personal life at all with anyone.

    I actually told my mom about my bisexuality along with some other events from my past (ugh…flashbacks…) she told my dad who then called me and set up a “meeting”. The meeting basically consisted of them sitting me down in a public restaurant asking me, point blank “Are you gay?” along with other intimidating interrogating questions. One of the most nerve wrecking experiences of my life! They said that if I was they’ll still love me (my dad said he would pray for me) and they wouldn’t disown me, etc. etc. I gave them some reason about how I wasn’t talking about me and I was talking about one of my friends (which was somewhat the truth). This was during a real hectic time in my life, so I basically was a wreck. Nonetheless, they bought it (well at least I think my dad did, mothers know everything so I will never know I guess..I don’t know).

    Fast forward to now, I am in a relationship (with a girl) and I’m happy now. I have a few friends who are homophobic, only one of my good friends (who is a female) knows about me, and I hang with mostly straight friends. So will I ever tell them I’m bi I don’t know. Why would I maybe ruin my life and relationships over that? If they find out *shrugs* it is what it is….

  5. I have very religious caribbean parents. Coming out is not an option. At all. Ever. Never. With that said, I don’t think they would disown me or hurt me if I came out. They love me to death. TOO DEATH. They wouldn’t do that. Now this would make you think I’m in the clear………but I’m not.

    Me coming out to them would be DEVASTATING. So much of their own identity is dependent on who I am and who I become. I have working class parents, who didn’t go to college, and have worked their asses off to provide for me. It would literally kill them. I’m certain. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if this happened. I could say I should live for myself and who cares what they think…..but it would be wrong and selfish. The guilt would be overwhelming. So to make them proud I focus entirely on school. Get my degrees. Keep them happy. I enjoy school so its no big deal. When they ask me about women, I tell them I’m just focused on school…..they actually encourage me to stay away from women while in school. No distractions. Win/Win. In fact, I’m not “out” to anyone. Everything I put out is calculated and strategic….It gets tiring.

    With that said, here’s a little secret. In the process of hiding, and lying……I’ve pretty much repressed myself. Nvr had a girlfriend (Well 1 in high school, but that doesn’t really count). Or a boyfriend. lol. I’m 25+
    (less than 30) and still a virgin. Seriously. So there you have it.

    This reads slightly stream of consciousness… I apologize.

    1. Hey you still a yute .. lol I agree with the selfish part, it’s being considerate and letting your parents be proud in who their children are, it probably just differs by culture or how you were raised

  6. Now I’m older than most of you all here and I’ve never had the talk with my fam. But at 23 I moved in with a date and lived there 8 years not only was my father cool but him and his best buddy helped us move. My sis and I never talk about it but she refers to an ex of mine ( who we remain close to) as her other brother.

    IMO family if they truly love you want you to be happy and no I don’t sashay or wave a flag announcing it but if you ask I will tell I’ve grown to not give a f*** what any else think I pay my own bills and don’t care if you support my lifestyle.

  7. Hello Jamari,

    Long time lurker here.

    I’ve been visiting your site daily for the past year and a half. I love the “MEAT” of course, but I truly appreciate the wisdom and wit you impart upon your readers through your posts. You’re an awesome writer.

    Now to the subject at hand, I haven’t came out to my parents nor anyone in my family. I believe I’ve been outed at work, since my gay co-worker private messaged me asking if I’ve ever been called a fag in casual conversation. I’m not concerned about knowing I’m gay since I work from home and will more than likely never meet them in person.

    I wish I had the strength to come out, but I’m fearful of my father’s reaction.

    He’s representative of the typical black, religious, homophobic archetype (I guess I used that term correctly, forgive me if I did not). He’s a great farther and we have a great relationship, but if he knew this one this thing about me, it would nearly destroy our relationship, other messy, ignorant family members would get involved and it would just be a grand mess. I love my father and I do not want to disappoint him.

    My mom is quite religious and it would shock her, but I think she’ll be more accepting than my dad. Hell, she might already know. I’ve never had a girlfriend and don’t really express much interest in women in that way.

    When others question why I don’t have a girlfriend, kids or married, I use my nerdiness or say I’m too busy with work and school to mask my gayness. Surprisingly, that has worked.

    I never had any relations with another guy. I did befriend one guy, we went to the movies together and after that, I lost contact with him. I wasn’t a creep or anything and we left the movies on good terms. He was pursing a master’s degree and working a full time, demanding job at the time or I just wasn’t good enough for him. He was a nice guy and I hope he’s well.

    Perhaps I’ll come out if I meet the right person, but right now I just don’t want to deal with the mess that it would cause within my family. I haven’t found a guy so I just don’t see the point in coming out now.

    So that’s my long winded, boring narrative.


    1. ^that was not long winded or boring at all dat.
      thank you for coming out of lurk mode to join.
      i feel like lurk mode is kinda like staying in the closet for some.

      ya know,
      i feel like how you feel.
      surprisingly similar backgrounds.
      the way how i see it is this…

      you know how your life is.
      you know what the people in your life maybe respond.
      if you want to come out,
      come out.
      you don’t.
      people have to do what makes them feel comfortable.
      don’t let these nosy females and freedom fighter gays tell you how you should live.
      many people just like being private.
      others don’t want to face the world alone once things go south.
      when you are ready and you feel comfortable,
      it will come naturally.
      right now concentrate on the most important things:

      your education.
      you money.

      thank you for sharing your story with us.

  8. Yes my upbringing did have a huge impact on why I stayed in the closet so long. I come from a religious family so I never thought that I would ever come out. My mom, in particular, is a deacon and literally reads the bible everyday and tries to live her life in the most Christ like fashion. I was afraid of her reaction the most.

    But eventually it stopped being about what my family or anyone else on earth thought and it became about me. I was tired of the lies to cover up every single lie I was telling. I just wanted to be free and be me. On my birthday last year, I gave myself the best present every and told my immediate family the absolute truth. My mother was the last person I told and her reaction wasn’t what I expected at all. Of course she already had a feeling I was gay. I still remember her exact words. She said, “Every time the thought of you being gay crossed my mind I prayed to God that it wasn’t true”. That did hurt my feelings but I appreciated her honesty. She gave me the biggest hug and told me that even though she doesnt necessarily agree with the lifestyle, she would always love me and just wanted me to be happy. I didn’t expect that at all. Especially since just a few months prior to that, she was on Facebook liking tons of posts about Chic-fil-a and their lack of support for homosexuality.

    My coming out completely changed my family, but in a good way. It’s opened up room for growth and its been fun seeing my family fall in love with my boyfriend the same way I did. Watching that episode of the Tyler Perry show made me so glad my family embraced me the way they did. But it also made me sad for all the gays who probably won’t ever come out because their family will react like Jeffrey’s mom did.

  9. I would come out to my parents if I was in a serious long term relationship or getting married and wanted to include my partner in my family life but I’m pretty sure everyone in my life already knows even though I’ve never said it. A couple of weeks ago I turned 25 and in my 25 years on this earth I’ve never had a girlfriend or pretended to be interested in females. Growing up my dad and uncles would ask me and male cousins about what girls we liked at school or if we have girlfriends and I always said “I haven’t found a girl I like enough to be my girlfriend.” Nowadays they just ask my cousins about their love lives and no one asks me anything about mine. I have the same situation with my friends so unless they all think I’m asexual they know I’m gay.

  10. I guess my parents would be an easy scapegoat, but how I choose to handle my personal life is based much more on how I feel about it than them.

  11. I’m that one who doesn’t give a fuck lol. Neither of my parents are in my life. My father is out of my life and my mom is deceased. Now the fam. members I live with now might not like it are against homosexuality, so I have decided not to tell them. Now I could, but I chose not too. If I wanted to tell them it would create a rift.They would just have to deal with it or lose me, that would be the ultimatum. I don’t play that shit. I’m an adult almost 20, and I will not let anyone tell me what to do. I’m pretty much been unstoppable since I’ve been above age anyway lol. It not like I’m bad or anything, I know right from wrong. My rebellious phase is over. I have to turn back the hands of time every now and then tho.

    Now, if my mom was still living I prob. would have told her, like I told her everything else that was happening in my life. Shit, when I was 14 I told her that I was kickin it with a bi girl. I remember when she asked me wheat bi meant lol. I had to explain what it to her. I was like mom she is so fine and I really like her. Yes I could talk that way around my mom lol. We had that type of relationship. My mom told me as long as she doesn’t turn me out then it was cool. However, if she didn’t like it I still wouldn’t have stopped seeing her. I fought other guys for her it was no way I was about to give her up lol. Anyway, when a person gets of age they should be able to do what they want, and their parents need to acknowledge the fact that they cannot stop their children from living their lives, period.

    Jeffrey was stupid cause I would have told her about herself on spot. I would have been I’m grown, and I can be attracted to whoever and sleep with whoever it is I want. Deal with it or lose your son. It’s that simple. All rich people are worried about is image anyway.

  12. My mother and I are very close and so am i with my three siblings, however i feel if my father was alive it would have been a different outcome once i “came out” so to speak. My dad was from West Africa, sierra leone, and we ALL know how homophobic some countries are within the continent of Mother Africa, but i digress. I struggled with it, even contemplated suicide in 2010 because for so many years, from my 16th birthday to almost 23, i thought i could pray it away and that it was just a phase, because in ,my mind i thought my family were going to hate me and turn their backs on me but i came out to my mother right before Christmas last year, she told me she knew already because she carried me for nine months lol, and ironically my bday is two days after hers, and i told my brothers and sister and they all said they began to wonder about me a few years ago BUT nothing really changed…my eldest brother still asks me questions and etc out of curiosity but overall I’m blessed. And my brothers were both popular in our Philly neighborhood and are ladies men and have “street cred” however me being the youngest they always look out for me and ultimately people are accepting it, or at least still being respectful to me. i know every black gay man out here isn’t always fortunate to have a family receive them with open arms, so i don’t judge d/l or discreet men…however if one is going to be discreet all i ask is that they don’t endanger other people’s lives by sleeping around unprotected and taking diseases back home or bashing openly gay men in the streets when they engage in the same behavior behind closed doors. thanks for this entry it made me feel good to reminisce

    1. ^i really loved reading this malcolm.
      thank god you didn’t kill yourself.
      you have been a blessing in the foxhole.

      i want to hear from a complete stranger.
      a lurker.
      c’mon out!
      no judgments with how you live (unless you are harming people being reckless)
      and if you have been living reckless,
      let’s hear it.
      we can help…

  13. don’t even get me started on the carribean families and their culture.

    Pretty much sums it for me

    *clears throat* so I’ve loved girls from since i was a teeny weeny baby – i remember telling my class mate to put her head down on her locker so we could kiss – in class – don’t judge me – i was in what 2nd grade or what….anyway after I got “turned out” (long story) and ‘enjoying’ some menz I thought to myself long and hard (no pun int.) to see what I was. And I came to an answer – I am NOT gay. I DO find men attractive (some enough I might wanna poke em or rub swords with em) I have had very sweet people. I would not hide that in a beat from someone (especially if i want to fuck u) I don’t feel it’s anybody’s business though. I am that blunt that I will call u baby boy, baby, and play joke call you my wifey to your face to COMPLETELY straight boys and sometimes tell their girlfirends to leave my “baby mama” alone, all sounds like a joke but those are actual shit i’ve used to get niggas in my bedd.. I got turned out, i did likewise i guess…anyway I WILL get married to a nice pretty girl, have babies, I want a family. At one point I stopped being attracted to men, i guess that’s why i have what seems like an “impossible” standard to fulfill? I have high expectations for looks etc in men. Not everything turns me on. I don’t know all the sly shit my folks did in college, our mums may have had her “college days” so may have our dads, but to us they are perfect and saints, you don’t introduce every chick u fuck to your mum just the one you want to marry – to them u were a virgin till the girl u married, so they don’t need to know who rides my dick.

    1. ^so…..


      why are you on here?
      you clearly are the pink elephant in the room.
      if you stopped being attracted to men,
      you have never been in a relationship with a man,
      and it’s clear only use men as methods of turning them out…

      …so why are you here?

      1. I enjoy reading your shit. You have vixens and the ‘straight boy’ from yesterday et al reading your blog so your point? Don’t you enjoy the viewership hits and counts?

        I have enjoyed the COMPANIONSHIP of men, but then again we were FRIENDS and the sex just came after .. I dont want to say I USE men per say ..I mean If i find John attractive i’m gonna go get john. Straight, bent or gay.

        I’ve never UNDERSTOOD the gay lifestyle..Hell I just recently learned about guys dancing and voguing from youtube…my connection to “GAY WORLD” is this blog, myvidster, and anything that pops up in the news. again i did not say i dont find men attractive….maybe you will turn me off?

      2. and I think I’ve had a “relationship” with a guy, hell I dint even know it was one till I met him last year and in describing how he missed me he said “when we were in a relationship” .. a few other dudes Iguess u could say we dated? We went out to a movie and I hung out in his house and he came to mine? Does that count?

      3. that gif.

        I have wondered why you are here too, but I have got my answer. I personally don’t care, especially after that talk we had a little while back. I kinda understand your situation now. However, Terron Beckham came here to clear his name. I’m sure he doesn’t visit here on the reg. By the way women love gay men, so it’s normal for them to hand around here.They still come to look at men too.

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