i wrote something earlier today.
i was frustrated with how wolves were treating me.
i was going to let me he(bitch) raise hell.
well instead of it making me bitter,
i wanted to be better.
i was talking to one of the foxholers last night about this same issue.
“how i go from 0 to 1000 with the goal of your head on the floor”.
i was taking a nice warm bath earlier,
compliments of dr bronners “peppermint” liquid soap,
and something else washed over me.
something inside said to close my eyes and imagine this…
i was in a house.
my dream home.
i held my he(bitch) in both of my hands.
it was squirming and snarling.
do i really want to be “that”?
it didn’t look pleasant.
i didn’t understand how i could let this take over me.
it had to go.
in this new season i’m trying,
i don’t want to be “this” anymore.
“this” is making me lose potential friends and alienate people.
everything doesn’t need an argument or “put someone in check”.
you know i loathe stupid animals.
…but like my foxholer said,
sometimes ignoring a muthafucka is more than effective.
see i couldn’t control my inner he(bitch).
i realized i’m not that fox as i once was.
i was hurt by many people before,
being “nice” and “open”,
so my defense mechanism was to be cold and ready for battle.
some people deserved it,
but i was also doing it to the wrong people.
my past with people is the culprit.
i was still holding onto resentment towards people that have hurt me.
i was using them as the example to others in my future.
i noticed when work wolf did something i didn’t like,
i was ready to cut him out of my life.
no fucks to give.
i didn’t want to be hurt by him like others have.
to look like i was stupid and have the “i told you so” speech.
bad enough he has done so much for me.
he isn’t perfect,
but neither am i.
neither are a lot of other people.
i am ready to cut people out for the smallest things.
i need more patience.
funny enough i played liar liar perfectly without using it.
so i had to lock it back up in the attic.
as i imagined myself walking up to the door of my attic,
i said “goodbye” to what was holding me back.
this angry spirit that was manifesting under me
the person i didn’t like i was becoming.
it was getting bad.
if i continued to do this,
i know i would end up being alone.
i don’t want to be alone.
so once i put my (he)bitch back,
i felt this “peace”.
things won’t be perfect,
but its a start.
plus he(bitch) and phoenix fur don’t go well together.
so i urge everyone to examine why they do the things they do.
you don’t have to be angry anymore.
the people who hurt you are gone.
if they are still there,
you need to let them go.
don’t let some asshole make you this nasty person.
it’s time for a fresh start for all of us.