did you try and “pray the gay away” like lil nas x?

i use to say that i wouldn’t wish being black and gay on anyone.
you gotta be strong to endure the shit most of us deal with.
this can be a very lonely and abusive life to live.
lil nas x admitted that he use to try and pray his gay away.
this is what he said in a clip from “cbs this morningwith gayle king

i feel him so heavy.
i wasn’t that bad,
but i did try to suppress my “gay” to fit in within my forests.
after i started being comfortable with myself,
i just wanted to feel love from another male.
sleeping around wasn’t “me” and i never felt comfortable doing it.
my depression often comes from some parts of my sexuality.
the pain of feeling like i don’t fit in anywhere and i’m not loved like others.
i can go as far as to say no one wanting me and feelings of ugliness.
i was reading an article from lizzo the other day and it struck such a cord with me.
she said in “the sun“:

“I felt like an ‘other’ for a very long time. Nobody liked me, and I just remember feeling so unwanted and unchosen. I remember at one time feeling like I was asexual because no one loved me. I was confused about myself and my identity for a long, long time.”

i can’t express how much i felt that in the deepest parts within my spirit.
i relate with that 200%.
many gays can relate with being in this world,
with all these gorgeous males,
and it feels like no one is looking at you.
even the fellow gays treat you like an outcast.
you get these feelings that one might be interested so you speak,
but it often goes nowhere and it leaves you feeling very alone.

This is how I’ve felt all my life

…and sadly,
i don’t think i’ll get the answers i’ve been looking for until i’m dead.
foxhole…

Let someone know you SEE them

don’t let us feel like we don’t mean anything to anyone.

lowkey: i legit wrote this in tears.
i needed to cry and this was what did it.
this has been a tough week for me.

article cc: the sun

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

17 thoughts on “did you try and “pray the gay away” like lil nas x?

  1. Your circle won’t be big, but it will be filled with Love. Don’t give up, Jamari. A true support system is looking for you right now.

    *hugs*

  2. Not gonna lie. I cam.here to see if you posted anything about the Odell fight but I saw this…

    Hmm, I think I am somewhat like you or were in the same boat. I am for all purposes masculine but not “hard” & Ingot teased a lot for it.

    All, I can tell you is keep loving yourself more than ever. To be honest, everyone leaves this Earth “alone”.

    But anyways, sometimes its good to cry and let whatever is brewing inside out.

    I had grown up fooled by these people in thinking that once you fo straight, you are normal & your life is better, which I found out is not.

    On the subject of love. It’s very important to let out all those feelings within so that when you do meet someone, you can love them properly (and choose the right person).

    Always good to remember how far you’ve come from where you usee to be too. Progress!

      1. My bad about these typos. I be getting on here using my phone and it be going to town.. I need to start paying more attention.

  3. Jamari, I share these exact feelings. Every day is a struggle, but I keep praying and pushing forward to the best of my ability.

  4. I think we’ve all been there, I never tried to pray it away, but In my naive teen years you couldn’t have told me it wasn’t “just a phase” so I felt that part 100% I use to tell myself “I’m jus havin fun now, by 25 I’ll have a wife & kids” 🙄 needless to say…it wasn’t a phase 😂 and we as gay men have GOT to stop holding self-loathing & loneliness so close as if Straight men dnt feel the SAME things, Have you ever heard them talk? They’re down on themselves on everything from how they look, to how much money they have etc. And they get lonely too! they jus run thru women as a temporary fix but never making a real connection, So we have to stop feeling like loneliness is exclusive to us, look around and you’ll see EVERYBODY IS LONELY (not literally but hopefully my point is gotten)

  5. Not meant to derail the topic, but is it just me or does lil’ Nas look incredibly lickable in the first pic? Everytime I see him I just picture myself kissing those full lips of his and playfully nibbling on his bottom lip lol. He’s too young for me though.

    1. @Elvis

      LMAO it’s funny you said that because I’ve been conflicted too regarding Lil Nas X. He’s too young for me but that hasn’t stopped me from having grown man thoughts about his pretty skin, kissable lips, and tight compact waistline. And apparently others online are having similar thoughts based on this fake nude. 😗

      https://m.imgur.com/avRnIzZ

      ** note to Jamari: if this photo is inappropriate please feel free to remove it. I just wanted to share 🙂 **

      1. Thank you @bllackpegasus. I was not expecting that picture. They pasted his face on some gay 70s 80s pornstar. The fantasy is delicious. I might save this for personal use later.

  6. I’m so glad I read your entry and I’m sorry you’re dealing with that and so am I. but reading what you wrote really helps me to understand that I’m not alone in this feeling and that it’s not exclusive to just me.

    Especially the part you wrote about feeling ugly. I thought it had a lot to do with me being so dark and having vitiligo. and it probably does because I am a virgin at 27 and haven’t been approached by many so the oppurtunity is always missed and I always think “well if I can do it at least once I won’t feel so undesired” but to know youve done it and still feel that way let’s me know that’s not the answer at all. Thank you for that. Can’t go many pĺaces and have this discussion thank you for baring your soul so that we can discuss. I love you for being you and giving us your truth.

  7. Love You Jamari. I can definitely relate. I’m feeling like that now living this lifestyle. Love don’t come easy but we have to love ourselves more in order for someone else to see it in us. Let’s go have drinks lol cause feel like your my friend in my head lol.

  8. Of course I’m always late to comment after everyone moves on to the other topics but I binge read when I have the time.
    Its good that Lil Nas is representing or offering another view of the gay black man.

    The gay black man with the African features that many of us possesses and have been made to hate because society doesn’t represent or want to relate to such features.

    The thought that keeps crossing my consciousness is who was the first man who rejected me?

    The answer keeps coming back..my dad…I feel it wouldn’t have nearly taken me as long to find myself if I’d had the support and love from the first man I came in contact with.

    I read about Dwayne Wade..Magic…Sade and others acceptance of their sons and a
    daughters and that makes me cry because I realize now if my dad had just told me once he loved me or was proud of me I would have been over the moon.

    I know there are non-famous folks who support their alphabet kids but we don’t hear about them so once again to the confused little boy or girl growing up hating ourselves because inside we know were different and GOD knows ( crying now) I don’t want to be this way…why can’t I be normal..

    Thanks Lil Nas..you are going to help one of the kids believe or not.
    As for me..I’ve made peace with my self its
    been a journey one I wouldn’t wish on anyone buts its been my journey and I own it!
    I still believe hey maybe one day…until then I’ll keep working on me.

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