anxiety keeps my head in a toilet

i never use to have anxiety before.
crazy,
but i remember when it all started.
it was with this one demon boss that i had back in like 2009.
before,
i’d go to life with regular butterflies in my stomach.
after her crazy ass,
once my anxiety would reach it’s maximum…

I’d find myself throwing up

i would be throwing up in train platforms and behind allies if i got stressed.
once they fired me,
and i returned the favor by getting her fired,
it went away.

it was minor during that time,
but over the years and many other stressful eras of my life,
it started developing into something more powerful.
in 2019,
even with the slightest nerves,
my entire stomach gets fucked up.
i’ll have to go throw up just go i can feel “settled”,
if that makes any sense.

my current boss has been raising my anxiety 1000%.
last week,
i thought i was sick with a stomach virus or something.
if i ate any of the foods that i enjoy,
i would be in the toilet throwing it all up.
i noticed it was:

“anticipating something she would say”
“mentally planning my day in my head”
“the after-effects of dealing with her”

bad enough,
she reminds me of my late mother.
like,
a spot on version sent from a lab to fuck with me.
the nit picking,
micro-managing,
and her own anxieties are the worst to deal with.
unlike a regular ass human i can dismiss…


…i can’t “never speak to her again” since she signs my checks.
when i don’t see or hear from her,
my day is almost like floating on a cloud.

i like my job and i enjoy my co-workers.
there is no need in my spirit to find something new.
unless they fire me,
I’m pretty much there for a couple more years.

Her though?

 i’m getting anxiety meeting new wolves or people.
if i’m nervous then forget it.
Lord knows how i’ll be when the fine wolf comes in my life.

when i’m in my crib tho,
i can eat/do whatever i want without even throwing up.
when i’m outside tho,
i feel like i need to find the nearest toilet.

It’s buggin me TF out

i’m shocked i wasn’t like this when i was on tmz.
i felt like i was gonna throw up,
i won’t even lie to you,
but i kept calm and it went amazingly.
i want to conquer this so i can be normal again.

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Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

4 thoughts on “anxiety keeps my head in a toilet

  1. Try to see her as someone who is getting the exact same treatment from someone above her. So don’t pity her. Deal with her. Whatever she complains about, have it done before she gets there. That thing she always complains about that’s not your job..do it. When she starts ranting, do the thing that finally seems to calm her down or offer to schedule a meeting so she can have someone to yell at. Pay attention to her patterns and use that Jamari ingenuity to manage her. It won’t be easy, but if you see her less as a looming threat and a child that needs to be handled, you might be able to predict her mess and have her shook with your “It’s handled” Kerry Washington professional finesse.

    Do it the way she wants it, even if it goes slower. Don’t expect praise. Everytime she ridiculously raises the bar, raise it higher. She wants 5 presentations done. Do 8 so when she randomly wants one with no prep time, you’re calm and ready to go. Predict her nonsense and prepare for it.

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