being a crackhead is never attractive…
you spend your life fiending to get high.
you will do anything just to get a hit.
once you get that hit,
you realize its only a temporary satisfaction.
that is how i feel about looking for love.
not any ordinary search tho,
but that gut feeling of fiending to be in a relationship.
once you find someone you think is “the one”,
you soon realize it was just a temporary satisfaction.
its not like:
taking it slow
getting to know them
lettting it naturally happen
this kind of “fiend” moves fast and ends just the same.
i was thinking about myself and this new found path i am on.
seeing that all the wolves i was attracted were/are “temporary satisfactions”.
they are always physically what i’m looking for,
…but i’m always doing more of the chasing.
i don’t do “blowing up phones” or “hiding in bushes”.
its more emotional.
i create these fantasies of what i hope they would treat me.
from the dating to the fuckin’.
now its fun to live in the fantasy but…
on the real…
i give these wolves more than they deserve.
99% ain’t really shit.
my source of happiness should ALWAYS come from myself.
i wake up alone and i will die just the same.
in between that time,
why am i not making myself happy?
i can’t expect a wolf to come into my life and bring me what i’m looking for.
that will create a bonafide fiend.
someone who needs another person just to make them feel whole.
the relationship will become clingy on my end.
i won’t trust anything he says.
he leaves for a second and i’ll become anxious.
god forbid he is dickin’ me down to complete stupidity.
he ends it and i’ll become desperate.
next thing you know,
i’m one of these “jackals” outing someone because i feel hurt.
if you share something initimate with someone,
trying to embarrass them should never be a thought.
no matter how it ended.
its just the reality.
i can admit i’m not emotionally strong or confident for a wolf right now.
i don’t think i ever was.
i would be a dependent on “him” when i pride myself on being independent.
i could do with a fwb,
as occasional pipe would keep me satisfied,
but to be in a relationship right now?
especially all i’m trying to accomplish?
it is a hard pill to swallow,
but i had to confront myself in the mirror of truth.
i’m not sad about it so don’t cry for me.
the sooner i can get it together the better it is for me.
now that i recognize this,
everything will piece together as it should.