To Be A Crackhead

tumblr_nd9yyb3O5Q1slccufo1_500being a crackhead is never attractive…

you spend your life fiending to get high.
you will do anything just to get a hit.
once you get that hit,
you realize its only a temporary satisfaction.
that is how i feel about looking for love.
not any ordinary search tho,
but that gut feeling of fiending to be in a relationship.
once you find someone you think is “the one”,
you soon realize it was just a temporary satisfaction.
its not like:

meeting someone
taking it slow
getting to know them
 lettting it naturally happen

this kind of “fiend” moves fast and ends just the same.

i was thinking about myself and this new found path i am on.
seeing that all the wolves i was attracted were/are “temporary satisfactions”.
they are always physically what i’m looking for,
tumblr_nhjhipfkG91rdbbg9o1_400…but i’m always doing more of the chasing.
i don’t do “blowing up phones” or “hiding in bushes”.
its more emotional.
i create these fantasies of what i hope they would treat me.
from the dating to the fuckin’.
now its fun to live in the fantasy but…
on the real…
i give these wolves more than they deserve.
99% ain’t really shit.

 my source of happiness should ALWAYS come from myself.
i wake up alone and i will die just the same.
in between that time,
why am i not making myself happy?
i can’t expect a wolf to come into my life and bring me what i’m looking for.
that will create a bonafide fiend.
someone who needs another person just to make them feel whole.
the relationship will become clingy on my end.
i won’t trust anything he says.
he leaves for a second and i’ll become anxious.
god forbid he is dickin’ me down to complete stupidity.
tumblr_ni8f4fPOOR1tnah4zo7_500he ends it and i’ll become desperate.
next thing you know,
i’m one of these “jackals” outing someone because i feel hurt.
if you share something initimate with someone,
trying to embarrass them should never be a thought.
no matter how it ended.

its just the reality.

i can admit i’m not emotionally strong or confident for a wolf right now.
i don’t think i ever was.
i would be a dependent on “him” when i pride myself on being independent.
i could do with a fwb,
as occasional pipe would keep me satisfied,
but to be in a relationship right now?
especially all i’m trying to accomplish?
it is a hard pill to swallow,
but i had to confront myself in the mirror of truth.
i’m not sad about it so don’t cry for me.
the sooner i can get it together the better it is for me.
now that i recognize this,
everything will piece together as it should.

Author: jamari fox

the fox invited to the blogging table.

14 thoughts on “To Be A Crackhead”

  1. Great writing as usual. Seeing as how no one wants a “ain’t shit nigga” would it be OK to use them for sex? Like the mailroom wolf for example. He’s not good for a relationship, but could be good for occasional sex. Plus I doubt he would start mess like he did with “her”. He wouldn’t want to out himself.

    1. ^ya know…

      I would be open to a sexual relationship with him,
      but I had to ask myself if I’m too far gone to achieve that?
      when I see him,
      he turns me on so heavy,
      but then there is that “something” that sees more.
      good question tho.

  2. Jamari. Don’t mess with people at work. It always ends up messy. No matter how unique you may think the situation is. And focus on yourself. You can play every now and then but getting too invested will side track you. Trust me. I’ve done all that.

  3. Stick to your guns, Jamari. Once you’re happy in your new gig, you’ll be amazed at the folk making advances. We exude positive vibrations when we’re content and happy, whether it’s in a relationship or just being happy with our lives. I’m speaking from experience. Your mission until you’ve landed the next job is to focus on Jamari. Trust me on that.

  4. Yea man, this lifestyle is crazy, and you have to have a strong mind to handle the ins and outs.You will get yourself together soon man. Then, the Wolf you have been yearning for will come man.

  5. Awe I feel the same way on that. I mean I like this country but I feel like it might end in disaster. I hope not because he has good penis and he is an awesome guy. I am in the same boat Jamari that is why I said I was going back to school to preoccupied my mind to keep it off these wolves in sheep clothing.

  6. Can I high five you, same wave length. I look around at my friends and other in relationships and see the good but I don’t think I could deal the bad the fear or losing him, thing he downgraded bring me, or worse. Besides at this point in my life there are things I want to have accomplished before I look for someone to share it with, so I can look for the same in him

  7. Its tough because we aren’t exposed to the same experiences as our straight counterparts. Relationships for us are different in nature, and tack on the fact that many of us are Black on top of it? So were dealing with gay/bisexual issues and black issues on top of it?

    Often times, we don’t get to date around because we can never be in an “open” relationship, as in an official “holding-hands, PDA” type of shit like the straights do. (not saying that I want that, but its just to explain). Its just a different experience that we have to deal with, which leaves many of us feeling lonely and depressed. I know I do.
    We’re used to being treated like a dirty secret or just a fuck-buddy on the side while he goes back to his wife and kids.
    I’m no one’s side-dude. If I’m with you, I’m with you, and if you’re with me, you’re with me, end of fucking story. #R.E.S.P.E.C.T can I get some!?
    I like being discreet because I’m just a private person and dont feel like i owe people an explanation, but at the same time, how can we ever find happiness when we can never find that happy balance of having a connection with someone and keeping our discrete dignity?
    Oh wait, having a connection is too “emotional” or “feminine” or “too much work” *sigh*
    Its one thing to be down low, but its another to be treated like complete garbage, which is rampant in our community.
    Is respect too much to ask for?
    I’ll remain a virgin until I get some,
    yeah I said it. lol
    Jamari, I think you’re looking for something that mainly exists in the straight world, gay/bi love is different and still has yet to be defined.
    I hope this made some sense, I’m a little tired. LOL

  8. I skipped my usual comment section feast to say “I’m glade you came to this conclusion.” I agree with allot of things you say, this is a prime statement tho.

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