my lips were usually the trap.
they wanted these lips sliding up and down on their hard pipes in secret.
next was the fact that i was different.
“soft“.
“quiet“.
two things i thought were weaknesses were actually what made their dicks hard.
“i think i can explore my curiosity with him”.
lastly: i wasn’t acting like a hoe because i was comfortable in my innocence.
they sniffed out that i liked other males even if i didn’t know it yet.
that is how it begins:

An assumption wrapped in desire and a fantasy they could never say out loud.

they recognized something in me that they saw in themselves,
but when things started getting out of control…

They punished me.

the ideas that made their dicks twitch are what made their insecurities tighten in shame too.
what sucks is when i thought i had a genuine connection:

i didn’t understand this when i was younger tbh.
when i wrote that entry ( x about sexual assault yesterday ) with someone’s father,
it legit opened up a whole can of worms.
it made me realize that i’ve been the object and the enemy at the same time.
it had adults jackals use power plays against me.
it primed me to attract jackals who wanted me in secret but shamed me in public.
when all of those situations ended in heartbreak,
that shit did a lot of damage to me.

How so many of them craved the intimacy,
the intensity,
the me of it all but hated the “me” at the same time.

they projected onto me.
they lusted and then ran when i gave in.
they flirted and then went ghost.
they wanted to eat me without being eaten but with the situation from yesterday:

I was banished for the same thing someone wanted to fuck a young and naive me for.

it was realizing the betrayal from an adult that broke me.
i think that is the part that fucked with me the most.
i’ve accepted how it made me feel tho.
the grown fox in me realized that my inner teenager wasn’t dangerous.

That teenager didn’t realize how truly fucked up males are when they’re carrying secrets.
I can count the moments in my life that my sexuality was weaponized against me.

instead of doing right,
they all decided i should carry the shame for the both of us.

Foxhole,
i know many of you are like me.
we have endured a lot of pain growing up but i want you to know:

It wasn’t your fault some cowardly asshole was fucked up.

try to always remember that.