Disembodied (adj): separated from or existing without the body.

watching “queer” last night,
i realized i was the main character with a twist.
i never financially paid for another male but i did pay emotionally.
lee (played by daniel craig) had me in my feelings at 12 am.

at first,
i thought the movie was weird but as i watched,
i started to fully understand the story…

A gay man spiraling into obsession with an emotionally unavailable male,
who only exists in his fantasies and barely in reality.

lee was confusing obsession with intimacy,
while clinging to a allerton (played by drew starkey),
who was emotionally vacant.
we all know those types.
the ones that give us the impression of being gay/bi/fluid,
but come off more of a cold question mark than anything else.
so we will do anything,
including buy our way in,
just to be the first to experience.

Haven’t we all been Lee?

this was one of my main story lines on The Foxhole.
we’ve all been drawn to someone who dangled the possibility of something more,
but never quite delivered.
someone who knew just how much to give to keep us emotionally invested,
but always slightly off balance.

They don’t say it but they imply it.
They don’t touch you but they hover close.
They don’t want you but they won’t let you go either.

…and even if they throw you that bone (or hole) you fantasized about,
it feels more like performance rather than passion.
it leaves you emotionally empty because it didn’t hit quite as you expected.
there is nothing sexy about a dissociated male that isn’t into fucking you.

they only doing it for:

Money since the exchange is money for sex
Control even in submission
Survival mode
We wouldn’t leave them alone

…and yes,
there some high key homophobic jackals that will use us for personal gain too.

“You can do this to me,
but only because I allow it.”

that is still having control,
even if they are on the bottom.
how many male HATE the vixens they are with,
married,
and/or have kids but will still fuck them anyway?
those vixens are taking the dick from a male who is using her for convenience.
simply put:
“she is the only thing available and i’m horny“.

Lee isn’t tragic because he desired intimacy and connection.
He’s tragic because he convinced himself that breadcrumbs were a full blown meal.

that shit cuts deep.
these jackals know this and use it to hold power over us.

after watching that movie,
i was left with a lot of thoughts but i learned i don’t want to be “lee” again.

I want to be loved and not just tolerated because nothing is worse than giving more than you’re getting.

queer is currently on hbo max.

lowkey: i’m glad there wasn’t an “being punished with HIV” story line in this movie.