Jamari’s Almighty Church Guide To Foolishness

Has anyone grown up in the church like I have?

Although I can’t front: I was the rebellious church Fox.
It’s like I had ADHD when it came to sitting there and paying attention.
I do love God and he loves me,
but his “people” in there need more Jesus than 20 Bibles.

Look, Ima keep it real…

Church holds the biggest whores and contradictory people than a set in Hollywood or the political arena.
I am always weary of someone who is a full tilt boogie bougie bible.
Something is never clean in the milk.
I have been around ENOUGH to know what the real deal is.
And the real deal is… some of them ain’t shit.

Please have a seat and testify if you have encountered the following types.

The Flaming Choir Fox

He is the queen “honey”.
He is the bigger queen than the First Lady.
You know his loud ass when he walks in the door.
It is always this dramatic show of hair flipping, bright colors, and rainbow testimonies.
He is usually the choir director or sings lead.
Either way, YOU KNOW HIM when you spot him.
How couldn’t you?

The Un-Saved Wolf

He is a “devout” Christian.
He is barely there to even consider himself an active member.
(See: all these baller Wolves on Twitter)
He probably only comes to church when somethings in his life goes wrong.
He lost his job, lost his wife, or lost his mind.
He will be the first to fuck the holy ghost out you…
…and then run to the altar to testify for his sins.
Always check his resume before believing his “stories”.

The “Sanctified” Vixen

She is the loudest one at the altar.
She is falling out, wig flying off, rolling around on the ground.
“Ooohhh Fah la la la laaa” is all you hear out of her mouth.
But outside of the church, she is the biggest ho on the chopping block.
She is fucking someone’s husband and think’s God told her it was okay.
You know her type because she is trying to hard to PROVE she is a member.

The Pastor’s Cubs

They look innocent.
That is until you get some drugs or a dick in them.
They are like Disney kids.
Pastor’s Cubs rebel because they have to play a role for the public.
In reality, they seek adventure and rebellion.
In front of the members, they are smiling and being extra “goody-goody”.
They are praying for you all while being bright eyed and bushy tailed.
Outside in the real world, they can be found in any un-holy position that requires fucking, sucking, and smoking.


She is a special case because secretly she is crazy.
She is praying EVERY NIGHT for God to bring her a husband.
She is at the altar with long crocodile tears because she hopes God is hearing her pleas for salvation.
She is in every ministry group known to man….
…because she is fucking every new man who walks through the doors.
She has fucked so many men in the church that they could all form one bible study group at her house.

The Wolf Everyone Wants

He is the pedestal of FIONENESS.
His mystery is what is so intriguing.
He has the Vixens and Bunnies wetter than Niagara Falls.
They are all desperate to get a piece but see, he doesn’t want none of them.
This Wolf is secretly fucking Foxes.
He has mastered the art of keeping his business to himself with Vixens, because he is too busy giving the holy business to Foxholes.
The way to find him is merely by observation and his eagerness to befriend any Fox within.


This is a two parter.

The Wolf

He is anti-gay.
He will the first to let you know that gay people are nasty and how they must die because the Bible says so.
That muthafucka isn’t as innocent as he looks.
See he will be the first one to fuck a Fox and then beat himself/or the Fox up for what he just did afterwards.
He secretly hates himself because he really likes something he is supposedly supposed to be against.
He will play masculine to the world,
but as soon as he comes to his senses and accepts who he is…
… he will be what we call, “The Flaming Choir Fox“.

The Vixen

She is a bible belle who will let you know gay people are disgusting.
She has a bible in one hand and a pointed finger in the other.
She will befriend a queen to do her hair, gossip, or even dress her but will condemn his lifestyle to anyone who also holds a bible.
The problem with her is that she is so busy judging everyone else…
BUT her husband or even her son are the real suspects.
They are so scared by her judgement that they live their lives in secrecy.
(See: most gay chat sites)



9 thoughts on “Jamari’s Almighty Church Guide To Foolishness

  1. Jamari! I love this! You really told the T! I guess I shouldn’t encourage it, but I’m sitting here in my room so so so so so weak! I love church, but I always focus on relationship. There is so much I could say; I just hope things get better. Sigh… Really can’t stop laughing at this one as memories flood through my head and I’m identifying people ! lol 🙂
    The fox is back on his grind! You go Jamari!

  2. I’m glad you put this up. I have a friend on facebook that is always talking about how god told her this or that. The usual suspects come clucking just as soon as she posts…. The other day was a new level for her. She said that GOD was ministering to her through a message out of her fortune cookie!!!

  3. It looks like Bishop Eddie Long has put the big bucks on the table to keep his mediation talks under wraps!

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